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A secret letter to My Valentine

Photo by Atharva Dharmadhikari on Unsplash

Seeing his face in the morning was the best blessing I ever had. All I ever wanted was to see that face over and over again. Every goddamn day I prayed to see his face like this. Calm, Peaceful, and the smile that always took my breath away. Every single day….. We had our odds, we fight, we forgive and we moved on. At least I did. We had a pact that none will propose to each other. YEAH….. OUR pact. I don't know. Somehow it doesn't matter how much we love the person, we just are too scared to get committed. Maybe I am scared to love. Or is it I am scared about him taking me for granted after committing? But I always stayed loyal even after he cheated on me with multiples.

Until one day he asked me if I am sad because he didn't propose. Little did I know, I am scared for the very first time. Then the tension built up till he asked if the problem could solve itself if we get married. I don't know how it effected me but the reflex just reflexed. I didn't tell how much I am scared to get married, rather I busted “Really!!! This anger, Your mouth is an unflushed toilet when you are angry; This unloyalty, You even cheated me with another when all my friends were watching it; This immaturity, You do things just to showoff to others. And you think I am gonna marry you??” I understood three simple things that day. First, I am in a toxic relationship and the toxicity was ME. Second, I am in an unhealthy relationship and the junk was ME. Third, I am in an abusive relationship and it was all ME. Else who would talk like this when someone wanna marry you. But deep inside the little girl (in early 30’s) knew what exactly she was running from.

I always have boys as friends. I literally have girl friends I could count in a finger, I repeat ‘a finger’. I literally thought I couldn't handle the girls attitude. That I hate dramatic backstabbing bitches, that is why I was always had boy friends. Except one. I will always except that one because she is gonna read this. My girl is emotionally drunkard cute.

So, I flipped because I had developed Love without Trust. And I haven't even grown a ball to tell the truth that I always want him by my side but still staying officially single. Rather, I started running away from all these truths. I even managed to get him hate me because I was scared of commitments. After these six months, let me confess that it was all me who put you through those hazards. Thank me later when you understand it was my way of making it easier hating me than to deal with an emotional breakup.

I am happy that he married the girl I once picked for him. Let him not say he married her out of anger, rather in love. Being able to see him happy rather than to cry for years over his Ex (Disclaimer: that time I was his friend)was little peaceful to me. I had promised him I wont hurt him ever or put him down. But he really thinks I had. Its ok, he is little too cute to understand that I prefer my loved one happy with someone else than to keep them with me suffocated. Yes I had fought a lot for him cheating on me, because in love its not allowed. But in marriage………….. its freaking SIN, so don't do it.

Its not sin to apologize, its not sin to love, Its all fair in Love and War.

Happy Valentines Day Every one…….

Happy Valentines Day My Love……….



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Amuta Sivadas

Amuta Sivadas


A late bloomer, But A good friend for known and a good psychologist for unknown