Normalizing failure
Winning is not the norm in life
We live in a society that glorifies success and hides failure.
However, only when we fail do we analyze where we can improve and only when we disappoint others do we reflect on our actions. Every failure holds a lesson, and those who finally achieve their goals see these moments as valuable opportunities, not punishments.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t make the learning process any less painful.
There are lessons that are only learned after falling down, getting hurt and then getting back up.
The relativity of failure
Failure is often seen as a sign of weakness or incompetence.
From an early age we are taught to avoid failure at all costs, creating a fear of failure and anxiety about taking risks. However, failures are a way of discarding possibilities and gathering information along the way (González, 2020).
In sports only one team can win and the best are so used to winning that having a bad season feels like a hard blow. However, those who never win feel it as a resounding success to reach the finals one year; for them not winning is the norm.
Why do these teams give their best even though they know they won’t win?
Because they don’t compare themselves to the best in the competition, they compare themselves and their peers in the past and know that this season will be a new and excellent opportunity to progress a little bit more.
Life is all about perspective and the way you look at it will either make you grow or stagnate.
We only know the one who survived
A common mistake is to confuse the part and the whole.
During World War II, engineers analyzed damaged aircraft returning from missions. At first, they reinforced the damaged areas of these aircraft to improve future models, however, Abraham Wald, a mathematician, pointed out that this was a mistake, as they were only looking at the aircraft that survived, i.e., the success stories.
The planes that did not make it back were hit in critical areas that are unknown and are just the areas to look at to improve the next planes.
Social media is the perfect place for survivor bias.
On Instagram people only share the most positive aspects of their lives. Which creates a distorted perception, it seems like everyone but us has perfect lives. It’s absurd to compare your virtues and flaws only with someone else’s virtues, you will always be worse because it’s not a real comparison.
Instead, learn from others and compare yourself to yourself in the past.
Let failure lead you to success
Failure can be your mentor or your worst enemy, you decide.
Here we will take 2 different but complementary points of view. The first one to change the mindset towards mistakes and the second one to turn failures into the engine towards improvement. Take inspiration from both and put into practice what works for you.
1. Cognitive reframing technique: Change your perspective.
You can’t change events, but you can change the way you experience them.
Aaron Beck (1976) saw that by changing the interpretation of events and emotions we can change our behavior. Imagine that you have encouraged yourself to experiment, you have failed in your attempt and this has generated a deep discouragement.
- Identify your distorted thoughts: We punish ourselves with phrases such as “I’m not worth it” or “I’ll never make it”. Recognize these thoughts and reframe them.
- Reframe: Is there objective data to support your thoughts; are there alternative interpretations that are more realistic and less destructive? Seek out information that challenges your negative thoughts, review your past accomplishments, and talk it over with supportive people. You can move from mentally punishing yourself with “I’m not good enough” to “I’m not good at it, but if I work hard I’ll get there”.
- Look for the lesson: What could we do to respond differently to this situation in the future? It is common to punish ourselves through this distorted reality.
This seems absurd and worthless, but thoughts can hurt you.
The reframing technique has shown efficacy in reducing depression (Hofmann et al., 2012; King, 1979), reducing anxiety (Dugas et al., 2003; Hofmann and Asmundson 2008), and increasing overall well-being.
I heard this technique from a psychologist who claimed to have received a person with depression who said things like “I’m worthless” or “I’d better not try, I can’t,” etc. As the psychologist questioned him, he always found positive qualities and remarkable abilities. “Yes you are worth something, there are many things you know how to do”. “Maybe you can’t today, but if you try, you can tomorrow.” Repetitive negative thoughts end up distorting your reality.
For someone with depression, simply getting cleaned up in the morning can be an ordeal. Reframing your thoughts is the first step to getting out of that hole.
2. Kaizen’s 5 S Method: Turning failure into progress
After Japan’s failure in World War II, their country was devastated.
Why am I telling you this?
Because there is no bigger problem than this misfortune. To deal with it, Toyota created the 5 S method, which quickly became popular in Japan and succeeded in increasing efficiency and minimizing failures. Let’s look at it with a personal example to clarify this.
Imagine you are learning a new language:
- Seiri (Sort): Sort out the useful items and discard the useless ones. Imagine that you have used many apps, books and resources. Some will have been effective and some not. You learned which things worked for you and which didn’t; eliminate the ones that didn’t work.
- Seiton (Order): Organize what you saw was useful so that it is accessible. Use folders, sort your notes by topic (grammar, vocabulary, pronunciation, etc.), and set up a study schedule. Try different arrangements and routines until you find the one that works best for you. Trial and error.
- Seiso (Cleanliness): Keep the work area clean and tidy to prevent problems, absent-mindedness and save time. Create the ideal environment, you can see this point in detail in this publication.
- Seiketsu (Standardization): Standardize processes so that you flow from one task to the next and don’t need to stop and think about what to do next. Establish a routine that includes times to practice each aspect and always plan your next steps.
- Shitsuke (Discipline): Make the effort to follow the previous 4 steps and evaluate them over time to see if you can do even better. If you have given up your studies in the past, identify the reasons and prevent it from happening again. At first it is hard to follow a habit, then it becomes second nature.
After following these steps you will have gone from making mistakes and not knowing how to study a language well to studying efficiently and effortlessly.
See you soon in another letter, that’s all for today 👋.
✍️ It’s your turn: Were you afraid of failing at something but in the end you proved yourself capable?
💭 Quote of the day: “The biggest mistake you can make in life is always to have the fear of making one” Elbert Hubbard.
Share it and don’t make the mistake of not learning from your mistakes.
References 📚
- Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders.
- Dugas, M. J., Gagnon, F., Ladouceur, R., & Freeston, M. H. (1998). Generalized anxiety disorder: a preliminary test of a conceptual model. Behaviour Research And Therapy, 36(2), 215–226. https://doi.org/10.1016/s0005-7967(97)00070-3
- Gonzalez, A. (2020). Lo bueno de tener un mal día: Cómo cuidar de nuestras emociones para estar mejor. Editorial Planeta.
- King, R. (2002). Book Review: Cognitive Therapy of Depression. Australian And New Zealand Journal Of Psychiatry, 36(2), 272–275. https://doi.org/10.1046/j.1440-1614.2002.t01-4-01015.x
- Hofmann, S. G., & Asmundson, G. J. (2008). Acceptance and mindfulness-based therapy: New wave or old hat? Clinical Psychology Review, 28(1), 1–16. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2007.09.003
- Hofmann, S. G., Asnaani, A., Vonk, I. J. J., Sawyer, A. T., & Fang, A. (2012). The Efficacy of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: A Review of Meta-analyses. Cognitive Therapy And Research, 36(5), 427–440. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10608-012-9476-1
