ONE THING I WILL ADVISE A TWENTY-SOMETHING-YEAR-OLD SHWETA
Dare to say no when you don’t want to do it.
Dare to say no when you don’t want to do it.
It could be to anybody. Even your parent, sibling, or a friend.
What I mean is don’t agree to something or do something only because you don’t want to hurt them or disappoint them or because you want to keep their mood happy or simply because you want them to like (or continue to like) or accept you. Don’t say ‘yes’ if it is against your inner voice only out of sheer feeling of guilt, or being duty-bound (not to decline).
The other person, who received your ‘no’ may be upset, angry, disappointed, or sad. If possible, attempt to explain your reasons clearly and honestly. I mean IF POSSIBLE. Because not every time, you can comfortably tell your reasons for the ‘no’.
And sometimes, they may not or (may) fail to understand you. That is fine too. It is not in your hands or control to make everyone understand. Everybody is different and has their own nature, level of maturity, and understanding capability. But as I said, if possible, attempt. If they fail to appreciate (your situation or position), let it be.
Sometimes, a ‘no’ may feel like a potential end (of the relation) and it may, actually, result in the end. But think and tell me, what good is that relationship if they don’t like you as you are and have been (or are) with you solely because of your ‘yes’? Trying to save such relations is meaningless and ultimately (nothing other than) harmful to YOU.
Yes, this will also mean some of them will tag you as ‘rude’ or ‘selfish’. That is okay. It is nothing more than their opinion based on the mere fact that you disappointed them or refused their offer. Remember! Their opinions don’t define who you are. Nobody’s opinions do.
It is also possible that your ‘no’ sometimes, may indeed affect them in some or the other way. For instance, it may actually hurt their genuine feelings or leave them helpless (if they wanted your support to deal with something). But you are not always able to protect or support others. There are times when it becomes essential (for other genuinely compelling reasons) to choose a ‘no’. Because you cannot always do and have everything. You have to choose (one) based on what is more essential.
There could be times, you may not have a reason to justify why you decline something. It could be as simple as that you don’t WANT to do it. That is absolutely fine. Let it be. Don’t force yourself only to please other person or not to disappoint them because you respect or like them or you want to be helpful.
I know you hate to disappoint some — those you love or respect. But what about your desires and requirements? Aren’t they important? They are. Very much.
You must (learn to) value and take care of yourself. You need to (learn to) prioritize yourself and your preferences, wishes, and requirements. You must (learn to) maintain healthy boundaries with EVERYONE. Those who truly like you, respect and value you, or want you, will do it anyway.
You need not please or obtain validation from others. It’s all nonsense. Yes, you read it right. Depending on others’ validation or acceptance will always keep you unhappy, disappointed, guilty, and sad. Because you cannot and won’t be able to, trust me, keep EVERYONE happy or keep them happy ALWAYS. Doing things according to the wishes of others does not guarantee their happiness. At some point in time, they will have complaints.
So, don’t do this to yourself. Such an approach is self-damaging.
Additionally, it’s not your duty to keep others happy and satisfied. You can be kind, helpful, or do it out of love. That is different. But it is not your DUTY. Each is responsible for his / her /their own bliss. (because happiness is a state of mind. We will delve into it some other time).
You deserve to be happy and (you) have the right to have your own preferences, ways, and desires. Everybody does and has. Hence, learn, practice, and develop the skill to honestly express ‘no’ when your inner voice says ‘no’. Don’t choose to agree or accept ONLY BECAUSE you don’t want to hurt or disappoint the other person, or because you want to keep their mood happy, or simply because you want them to like (or continue to like) or accept you. Instead, stop and listen to your inner voice.
I know it is not easy. You have been the ‘Yes’ girl from the time you can remember. That is alright and normal. Humans are inclined to say yes to save relationships because humans are social beings by nature.
I believe saying ‘no’ is an art you need to invest your energy into, to learn because it (this skill) is crucial for improving the quality of your life and ultimately living a happy life. It is a sign of strength and self-respect. And self-respect is absolutely important.
It is definitely going to be a tough ride for you. It may leave you guilty. Regretful. But that is only going to be the initial and temporary phase once you start. Don’t give up. It is crucial to muster the courage to say ‘no’ when required, to be able to live your life with gusto and no regrets.
The art lies in saying it without offending, and the secret weapon is tactfulness.
(Yes, there are also circumstances, when you don’t want to do something which someone has requested you to but there are other valid reasons why you still need to accept to do it. That is a different scenario).
