Trying to Build Trust When You Fear Abandonment Is a Nightmare
But, do not run away
Trust is difficult.
Especially when your history is full of people who never showed up for you.
Every shift in behaviour or change of tone triggers a deep-seated fear of loss. And you wonder if this is the end.
For a long time, I have struggled with trusting people. I have had good friendships, but there was always a boundary on how much of my true self I reveal to them.
Emotional intimacy is terrifying
Thinking about expressing vulnerability is unnerving.
There’s a constant suspicion of rejection if you get too close. It is terrifying to depend on others. So, you build walls to protect yourself.
A few years back, I noticed that in conversations I made sure to keep the focus on the other person. I didn’t like talking about my life with them. The possibility made me uncomfortable.
Being self-sufficient was a necessity.
And the paradox?
It felt lonely, yet safe.
The mind doesn’t allow you to trust. Like an overprotective parent who doesn’t let you ride a bike because you fell the last time.
But, the thing is:
You cannot grow by avoiding pain.
Yes, there’s no guarantee that others accept you for who you are. But, the leap of faith can create an opportunity for finding someone who does.
It doesn’t mean you need to throw away your boundaries. Rather, listen to your intuition. Share your struggles with people who make you feel good.
You aren’t meant to do life alone.
Emotional intimacy is one of the primary needs. And having someone to share your sorrows, and stories is incredible for your mental health.
A healthy connection drives you towards healing.
You dwell on worst-case scenarios
Leaning into trust in a relationship comes with a lot of doubts.
You fixate on different ways it can go wrong. Sometimes to the point that you push people away even when there’s no reason to worry.
The rigid assumption that you are going to get hurt forces you into self-sabotaging behaviour.
Fear takes the driving seat.
I am a chronic over-thinker. Until I started working on challenging my thoughts, I spent hours dissecting situations. Every conversation replayed in my head a million times. The what-ifs and negative outcomes made me miserable.
When I met my husband, I realised how it was stopping me from creating a meaningful connection.
The self-limiting beliefs were destroying the future I wanted to have. I decided then that if I was thinking about worst-case scenarios, it’s only fair that I also think about best-case scenarios.
What if everything works out?
No one knows what will happen tomorrow. You cannot control the obstacles you face. But, you can control how you deal with them.
Over-analysing situations make you create circumstances that aren’t true. And your mind cannot differentiate between a real experience and a created one.
Tor Wager, director of the Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience Laboratory at CU Boulder says:
“Imagination is a neurological reality that can impact our brains and bodies in ways that matter for our wellbeing.”
For instance: if you are imagining that someone breaks your trust, your body produces stress hormones like cortisol. The fight/flight hormone like adrenaline is released irrespective of the fact that it hasn’t happened. And you feel just as upset as if it were an actual incident.
So, be mindful of your thoughts.
Remember, you have control over your actions. And it is all that matters.
The conflict between wanting to be alone and building a connection intensifies
Solitude feels safe. But, a part of you fears being alone.
There’s a desire to connect with someone who accepts your flaws and insecurities. But, you suppress the need by convincing yourself that it’s not possible. These conflicting emotions leave you depressed and exhausted.
The journey of taking the risk and trying to build a bond isn’t easy.
As you move further, the struggle increases. It’s like your heart and mind are working against each other. No matter who wins, you bear the loss.
But, within this battle lies the opportunity for self-discovery and progress.
Easier said than done, right?
Here’s what to do instead of running away:
Introspect on your fear of abandonment
By knowing yourself better, you can build better relationships.
Your fear is telling you that there’s a part of you that needs healing. It is emotionally turbulent to dive into your past. But, in doing so, you will discover the scars that still hurt.
Ask yourself:
- When was the first time I felt abandoned?
- How has it impacted my relationships afterwards?
- What triggers increase my fear of abandonment?
- What coping mechanisms do I use to protect myself?
- What steps can I take to confront my fear with compassion and empathy?
While you reflect on these, know that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed.
Respect your boundaries and stop when it gets unbearable. You don’t have to process everything at once.
There’s no rush to have all the answers. The intention is to uncover emotional wounds so that you can tend to them, one courage at a time.
And you don’t have to go through this alone.
Seeking support from a professional therapist will be a huge help. Their assistance and understanding will give you guidance to navigate through the experience.
Focus on the actions when emotions are confusing
Actions do not lie.
During moments of uncertainty, take a step back. Redirect your attention to the good things your close ones do for you. In their efforts, care, and love, you will find the reassurance you need to move forward.
These tangible reminders will help you feel stable and safe.
“Time fixes everything” is a lie
Shocked?
My intention is not to disappoint you. It is to draw your attention to the fact that when you choose to deal with your issues, only then do they get fixed.
“Time fixes everything” is a wishful thinking. Hope isn’t enough to build trust. It requires actions too.
You’ll have to be intentional about facing your fears.
Understand the root of your doubts. Reflect on how it impacts your life. Challenge overthinking. Focus on the support of your close ones. Have empathy for your journey. Remind yourself that growth takes time.
If you take these steps of courage, you’ll feel less anxious about your relationships.
The journey is tough, and so are you.
You’ve got this!
This article is for informational purposes only, it should not be considered counselling advice. Consult a professional counsellor before making any major decisions.
Thank you for reading.
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