PARENTING HACK: Yelling ISN’T the Best Option…What Is?
As the title suggests, you will be enlightened on why yelling ISN’T the way handling a situation with a child. As parents, we all have our patience tested and sometimes we reach our limits. Why don’t our children just understand the point we are trying to get across before it gets to the point that we are losing our tempers? I am here to tell you wonderful parents out there…they understand! The children are just not responding to the way we are handling the situations prior to the yelling and temper loss. What do we do then? What are our options?
ALL CHILDREN ARE DIFFERENT
First, we need to understand that one child will NOT react the same way for anything that your other child does. A spanking for “Bobby” won’t have the same results that “Angela” received; maybe the action was stopped, but what is going through their head and the way they perceived the punishment isn’t the same. This was just an example, as if one child gets a spanking for the same behavior the other did then both should get the same punishment. What?! You just contradicted yourself! Let me explain…
If “Bobby” and “Angela” broke a window and your punishment is a spanking, then give them both spankings but explain to them why their actions were wrong and why they got the whipping as their punishment in a way that each child will comprehend. A way that won’t cause them to rebel and gives them an understanding for future events of the same likelihood. So, they received the same punishment and was explained everything in a way that best works with each child.
NO parents! This is not you having to justify your actions to your children. Explaining why something is wrong and why they got the discipline they received is teaching your children. Just doing an action without the breakdown of the reasoning and a lesson to be learned is only wasting your time in trying to teach them a lesson to begin with.
Why Raising Your Voice Isn’t Always the Best Solution
I will start by saying that I have little girl that doesn’t require much discipline, as I have been very lucky to have a child that doesn’t do many things that require her to be in trouble. That’s not to say that she hasn’t gotten in trouble and even yelled at every now and then. Raising my voice is my last option, aside from spanking. I do believe, every now and then, raising your voice is necessary to get your point across. Also, spare the rod and spoil the child is a phrase I 110% agree with; meaning that certain actions does require a spanking and if one never occurs then the child will not fear consequences for actions of that magnitude to deserve a spanking to begin with. There are just several other steps that should occur before these measures are taken.
Yelling, being your “go to,” is having a negative effect on what you’re trying to accomplish. Yes, the action may have stopped, but what is going through your child’s mind. If it was anything like I was growing up, you are probably being tuned out and/ or looked at as the enemy instead of the parent. If you are being tuned out and seen as the enemy, then the lesson was never learned. Someone that yells only as a final option will catch their child’s attention instantly and they will know that you are seeing their action as wrong and with reason. When a person does something as a constant, they become numb to it and sometimes they actually take on that action as part of their actions and habits. When a person isn’t used to an action as the “norm,” they react in a completely different way. Makes sense, right.
What is Our Other Options
You know you child better than anyone! You know the actions that they respond to best. Whatever that action is, make sure it is explained to them why their action was wrong and why they got that type of discipline.
For parents with older children, try giving the explanations first and then asking them what they think the fair punishment should be. Make this a serious conversation so they know you will NOT take any joking around or being lighthearted about their answer. This is a calm way to teach them that their actions were wrong and how to handle it themselves. Them punishing themselves also keeps you away from being the bad guy. Being calm about the situation teaches patience, class, people tend to be more afraid of the person that is calm during a bad situation that the person reacting harshly to it.
Parents that have younger children need to remember that explanations will be the number 1 key to preventing the same behavior later on. “Because I said so,” is NOT a phrase that should ever be used. What are you teaching by saying that? The answer is, nothing of value. Time-outs, corner, or whatever your child hates doing the most just needs to be explained and then let them tell you why they got in trouble after they have received their punishment. TEACH and not just reacting is the best way to prevent further actions of the same kind.
My favorite way to teach a child a lesson for an action that is in the wrong is not only to teach, but with a mindset that I think speaks volumes…”some things are said best when you say nothing at all.” Remember when I said that the calm is more feared that the person reacting harshly? Let me give you an example. “Susy” decided to take a friend’s personal item without permission and that friend is awful sad and upset from this action. You have questioned “Susy” and found out that indeed she stole that item. She is instructed to return that item and she does this. You and “Susy” are sitting in the living room in silence for a while. This is what I am talking about. The 15 minutes of silence is torture and she is thinking hard on what may happen, contemplating her decisions, and is thinking about what to say to you. These are powerful thoughts she is having. Calmly talk about the situation and explain everything and, at this point, let her talk about it, and give the punishment or let her give her own punishment (if you agree with her choice).
As parents, teaching our children the difference in right and wrong is our main goal after providing for them. What better way to teach our kids than to allow them to teach themselves or explaining to them everything before and after the action they took to get in trouble to begin with. Please, do not have them start tuning you out or view you as the enemy because they will no choose to learn from this outcome. Children are moldable, take advantage of that.
