In-house Philosophy Professor
This is a piece I have contemplated for too long but kept shelving it as I wasn’t sure if I would be able to express my feelings and thoughts accurately. I have finally mustered the courage, and more importantly, tuned my mind in the right direction to convert my thoughts into words. I have tried to turn off my head-to-mouth filter so that whoever is reading gets the idea in its raw form.
It is about my grandfather.
I wanted to write about him because there is so much that he has taught me over the last few months. I can’t even equate it to any of the materials that I have read online about life and philosophy.
Even before I give a glimpse of what I have learned from him, it is important to give some background about my grandfather.
Raised in a traditional background, growing up, he ticked almost all the boxes that society asked him to check.
Positioned in a government job, he ensured that his wife and kids got more than what they could ever ask for, and he always provided for them in abundance. Always someone who played by the rules, and a true epitome of peak discipline. Discipline came with the cost of him being excessively aggressive.
He certainly qualifies for the expression “dam of anger”.
Always ready to open the shutters at whoever he felt needed an ounce of it. Sometimes, it was more than an ounce. That being said, even after retiring from government service, he worked to keep his spirits of independence alive. I’m yet to find another persevering soul like him in my family.
And, Boom! Cancer struck him.
Fortunately, the crab was removed from his body, but never from his mind. This was the beginning of his downhill ride, and without a doubt, his mind started crippling his healthy body.
For someone who had a loudspeaker in his throat, throat cancer was a cruel joke. I’m certain he felt the suffocation considering he expressed himself so loudly- literally and metaphorically.
Fast forward to his current state, every single time I see him, I ask myself if this is the grandfather I knew. I feel life is that way- it will take you through so many transitions, you will reach a point where you will be radically different from who you were- both physically and mentally.
I am not sure how much of his ego has been hurt, but for someone who loved being independent, the idea of needing help just to recline in the chair is simply difficult to accept. Appupan(grandfather in Malayalam) was someone who competed with the sun when it came to rising. Now, he has to wait for someone to raise him from the bed. Another nail in the coffin.
Even though I notice anger lingering in his speech often, I sense a new found love & compassion he has developed for people around. I guess, when you have to rely on people even for bathroom rituals, emotions like anger & pride, which stems from your ego, begins to fade.
I have changed his diaper a couple of times, and I’m certain he must have felt embarrassed. But, I will always remember the love with which he held onto me all those times, considering he was never a fan of pampering his grandkids and hated all kinds of gestures pertaining to love.
Without a doubt, he was a dominating husband, but the tables have evidently turned. Appupan has complete realization of how important his wife is, and I see love coupled with respect towards his wife. His wife is the head nurse of the geriatric care in his house, and she knows a thing or two about dominance now!
Despite the hardships I see him go through, the stoic in me tries to see the positives that have happened because of old age. The agnostic in me will never understand, but I hope his faith in God and his relentless prayers give him hope & solace. I am completely aware of the difficulties that he faces on a daily basis, but it has certainly taught me to be more appreciative of my life.
Thank you for being my philosophy professor, Appupa!
Thank you for reading!
