Platonic Friendships Do Not Substitute for Romantic Relationships
In the wake of grieving my new friend relocating to end-of-the-world Russia, I re-downloaded the X app after weeks of detoxing. The conversation was no different from the cycle before I deleted the app. Someone had just tweeted (I won’t stop referring to it as a tweet) that they were yearning for a romantic relationship. And in the usual lack of nuance characterized by interactions on the app, quotes were popping up about how women need to decenter romantic relationships and fill their lives with friends and community.
I have had more successful and fulfilling friendships than I have romantic relationships. Uche and I met most organically. I knew instantly that God had sent us to each other to buffer the hardships Tinubu was putting us through. We shared great moments together, supported each other, had fun together, and made the journey lighter until she decided to relocate to Russia. Now, where do I find a new buddy?
The tweet and quotes wouldn’t stop tugging at me, where did the idea that friendships can substitute for romantic relationships come from?
There is no doubt that women have been conditioned to look to romantic relationships for validation and to feel complete. The cultural conditioning that tells women their value lies in being desirable and married is deeply ingrained. However, the need for a romantic relationship is as biological as the need for food. Platonic friendships can make our lives feel full, make us feel less lonely, and make us truly happy. According to the American Journal of Psychiatry, ‘People who have friends and close confidants are more satisfied with their lives and less likely to suffer from depression’.
However, it doesn’t fulfill everyone’s need for closeness, physical intimacy, and the release of hormones that come with romantic relationships.
It is disingenuous to say that platonic friendships can substitute for the need to be held in a way that releases oxytocin and dopamine in our bodies. The need for romantic love is quite different from friendship bonds because of its connection with sexual desire and reproduction.
In biology, it’s believed that love is driven by three main factors: libido (sexual desire), attachment, and partner preference. Key neurochemicals, including testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin, influence these drives. These neurochemicals play a significant role in creating partner preference — making certain people feel special to us, forming attachment and deep emotional bonds, and sexual desire.
The idea that casual sex can satisfy one’s sexual urges is misguided. Casual encounters do not fulfill the deeper need for connection. Being intimate with someone who doesn’t care about your well-being or whether you’ve taken care of yourself the next day isn’t sustainable in the long term. The longing for a partner who truly cares for and values you is as natural and essential as the need for food.
“Our boyfriends, our significant others, and our husbands are supposed to be №1, our worlds are backward,” said Kami West in an Atlantic article by Rhaina Cohen. Women have been known to find partnerships or romantic relationships at any cost. History and everyday experiences are filled with women who would take disrespect, abuse, and even sacrifice themselves and their happiness just to be partnered with a man or be in a romantic relationship. Ultimately, women need to be provided with alternative ways of forming bonds and doing life differently from the norm.
But we should not lose focus of the fight, it is not to tell women to kill their desire for companionship or to deny their desire but to be able to hold it up and demand for what they truly deserve. To be able to ask for better accountability and in the absence of that be willing to take alternatives that might not quite fit but are reached with the awareness of what is given up.