Pride and Prejudice Taught Me Everything I Needed to Know About Marriage
The 5 marriage lessons of Pride and Prejudice
“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”
Most people know this first line of Pride and Prejudice to be ironic.
After all, in the time of Jane Austen’s late 18th century England, the main character Elizabeth Bennet, and her sisters are the ones who purposefully seek out single, rich men. Not the other way around.
It is under these circumstances that Elizabeth meets the infamous Mr. Darcy. Two very intrigued, but prideful, characters follow a path littered with blunders and tumults alongside the women in Elizabeth’s life who follow their own paths towards marriage. Though marriage for the gentry, at the time, was more formal than we understand marriage to be today, the way marriage was conducted in the past was not all that bad. Maybe there are things in the past we could use in our modern-day marriages.
Here are five lessons I learned from Pride and Prejudice.
Truth #1: Marriage Is More Than Just Romance
Romance is an illusion. The fact of the matter is: when we go on that first date or enter into a modern-day courtship, we are all presenting an image of ourselves– an illusion.
Now don’t get me wrong, romance is still an important part of marriage. But romance is a shallow pillar of marriage. Building a marriage upon the romance that sweetened your dating period is shortsighted.
As such, perhaps a marriage should not be entered into with thoughts of passion, but rather with thoughts of prudence.
When Charlotte Lucas, Elizabeth’s best friend, marries Mr. Collins, she displays a thought process that seems to have been forgotten in today’s dating scene. Elizabeth, understandably upset that her best friend is marrying someone she perceives to be immeasurably dull and miserable, has nothing to say when Charlotte replies:
“I am not romantic, you know. I never was. I ask only a comfortable home; and considering Mr. Collins’s character, connections, and situation in life, I am convinced that my chance of happiness with him is as fair as most people can boast on entering the marriage state.”
Charlotte’s thoughts, though a little extreme for our time, understand marriage for what it fundamentally was, and what it still is: a transaction that couples two individuals in order to maximize their happiness through the action of life, such as having children and pursuing greater wealth. Yes, romance and love fit in very nicely to that life, but marrying because of romance and love in spite of the warnings that marrying such a person would be unsuited for your prosperity is… rash.
Truth #2: Love Is Forgiveness
For the first half of the book, Elizabeth is deceived by misconceptions about Mr. Darcy. She later learns that she was wrong about her preconceived notions and is filled with embarrassment and shame about the negativity she displayed towards him. However, her humility during this time did not make her suddenly fall in love with Mr. Darcy. It was his forgiveness that sparked the possibility of love towards Mr. Darcy for Elizabeth. Forgiveness revealed a strength in character that Elizabeth fell in love with.
After Elizabeth confronted Mr. Darcy with accusations of what she had heard about his downfalls, Mr. Darcy wrote a letter to Elizabeth to clear his name and share his side of the story. When Elizabeth unwittingly finds herself in his company again, Mr. Darcy treats her with genuine civility and respect. Mortified to be in his company again after being so wrong about him, and expectant of cold disregard for her presence, Elizabeth does not know what to do with herself when Mr. Darcy treats her with keen gentility.
And at the conclusion of their meeting, Elizabeth realizes, “It was gratitude;– gratitude, not merely for having once loved her, but for loving her still well enough to forgive all the petulance and acrimony of her manner… and all the unjust accusations…”
Mr. Darcy understood and forgave her. In doing so, he earned Elizabeth’s gratitude, the foundation that later gave way for her love.
Truth #3: Sacrifice Is the Cornerstone of Marriage
Towards the end of the Pride and Prejudice, Lydia, Elizabeth’s younger and wilder sister, ends up eloping with Mr. Wickham before marriage, a heinous act for its time that ruins both the virtue of the woman and the reputation of her sisters. Elizabeth receives this news in the presence of Mr. Darcy and immediately bursts into tears with the realization of what this means for her family. Mr. Darcy, in his typical aloof manner, leaves the room, and it is only after Lydia returns home, married, that Elizabeth learns that it was Mr. Darcy who tracked Lydia and induced Mr. Wickham to marry Lyda, thus saving the Bennet family from social disgrace.
In doing so, Mr. Darcy cost himself nearly a year’s worth of income, 10,000 pounds, to induce Mr. Wickham to take Lydia with otherwise no money. This sacrifice is precisely what has caused millions of women throughout the last three centuries to swoon over Mr. Darcy. In today’s time, 10,000 pounds is worth nearly $13,000,000, which is a considerable amount, to put it lightly. Even more, Mr. Darcy did not do this to win over Elizabeth; he insisted on those involved that his name not be mentioned in these dealings. It is only by chance the true nature of Mr. Darcy’s role ever comes to Elizabeth’s knowledge.
It is this kind of gesture that falls under true sacrifice, and in doing this, Mr. Darcy irrevocably captured the heart of Elizabeth and the hearts of millions of readers. Understand the magnitude of this; the act of sacrifice speaks volumes, and it is through sacrifice that marriage is sustained. When one spouse feels that the other has done nothing for them, marriages are ruined.
Truth #4: Missed Communication Is a Tragedy
Miscommunication is unfortunate. Missed communication is a tragedy.
In the novel, this wisdom is continuously hinted at. The lovely marriage between Elizabeth’s older sister, Jane, and Mr. Bingely nearly doesn’t happen, in large part, because of missed communication. Charlotte foreshadows this when she tells Elizabeth:
“If a woman conceals her affection with the same skill from the object of it, she may lose the opportunity of fixing him… In nine cases out of ten, a woman had better show more affection than she feels.”
Because Jane was shy and reserved in manner, she did little to communicate her interest, which led Mr. Bingley to misjudge her affections towards him.
The same thing happens when Elizabeth’s prejudices toward Mr. Darcy are formed. Believing Mr. Wickham’s testimony that Mr. Darcy was a wicked man, Elizabeth did not ask Mr. Darcy’s for his side of the story. Elizabeth missed her shot and prejudices were formed. It is the very title of Jane Austen’s masterpiece that slyly urges the reader to consider the crucial nature of communication.
The best relationships involve those who seize the opportunity to communicate with each other.
Truth #5: First Appearances Can Be Deceiving
Alas, this entire book is about the burden of pride and prejudice. Elizabeth shoulders this weight the most, first having accidentally overheard Mr. Darcy’s comment on Elizabeth’s beauty, “She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me…” and consequently holding onto a wounded pride. Then, Elizabeth lets herself become swayed by rumors of Mr. Darcy’s poor character, without getting to know him. Similarly, Mr. Darcy is both prideful and swayed by prejudices he was raised with, interacting with Elizabeth and her family in a different manner because of her social class. It was only after their confrontation when both parties communicated and laid all of their prejudices against each other out on the table, that they were able to see each other in different lights.
First appearances can be deceiving. There is a reason we have the saying, “Everyone deserves a second chance.”
In Conclusion
For the sake of wasted time and missed communication in your future, take a page from Pride and Prejudice. Understand the need to rationally, in addition to romantically, accepting marriage proposals. Understand the love languages of forgiveness and sacrifice. Implement effective communication in your marriage. And most of all, avoid possessing pride and prejudices we have the retrospective wisdom to recognize the fault of.
