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Relationships role-reversals and Projection

Chances are that if you have had relationship issues and suffered from heartbreak and break-ups, you have encountered the situation where everything you say and are is twisted against you, or where everything that you perceive about the other person is being channeled against you before you have the chance to articulate it. We have all been in a situation where everything we feel is invalidated to the emotional storm of the other person who now is bothered by the exact things that you were noticing about them in fact, and we all know where this rollercoaster of projections is leading us…

Duality, personal drawing

No reprobation, no excuses, no reconciliation: the 3 noes of a doomed relationship or interaction. And what follows is silence. You are now the scapegoat of the other and the other is your scapegoat.

Now, of course, we can dig deeper into the psycho-analytical reasons of why this happens, of how trauma from childhood was being played out, and how we were all victims of our unacknowledged impressions. This can’t be at all wrong if you want to have the mental exercise of introspection and of human psychology. But somehow this fails us when we want to solve the conflict. We are almost always sugar-coating the conflict with newly acquired psychological terms of “narcissist”, “toxic personality”, “BPD”, “CPTSD”, and by all means, these are necessary, but as much necessary as they are, almost in the same amount they don’t help you take your power back. And almost always if you use them you end up being the Villain in the end. The victim only begs for mercy and isn’t hurt in reality. At least from what the whole situation is showing you.

If we understand something about human behavior and cognitive science, that is the fact that emotions shape our brains and that the same areas of the brain are firing up when we are dealing with real or imagined danger. So it is of no wonder that we get triggered in conflicts and that even if something doesn’t take place for real, what our emotions are signaling about the other becomes our reality. If these emotional signals are in fact reality and if we communicate with one another on an entirely different “ethereal” level of emotions, that is another debate, but the reality is that emotions participate a lot, possibly more than reason does and that they shape our relationships more than logic and reason. One necessary idea, that is deducible here, is that the one who has more emotional freedom in interaction is the one who wins in a conflict, regardless if he or she is wrong.

So, by reflecting on this exact idea, that emotional freedom implies some form of Justice in a conflict, or at least if the roles keep reversing, one who has more emotional freedom is also the one who is more individualized, we can understand why sometimes you end up scapegoated more, or more Vilified, or less right, or you just can “catch” the other even if he or she is blatantly wrongdoing you. You just can’t seem to really grasp the situation and end up to blame. Right? We’ve all been there. And the big mystery is that you are offered less space for expression in the relationship from the get-go.

It’s like feeling hot on a summer day and sweating and having only the other person complaining about how hot it is, even if maybe they are cold. They end up channeling you in advance, they flip and turn against you, they know better, you are in the wrong. Unless you admit how wrong you are. Unless you practice some form of humility for the sake of the interaction itself, because they don’t need your apology anyways. Let alone you forgiving them, cause that would be an insult.

Gurdjieff once said that man is asleep. Followed by other spiritual teachers. This must be a reason why we fail in relationships. Besides trauma. Besides the fact that we orbit each other emotionally and exercise an emotional and energetic influence upon each other to the point of reversing each others’ “poles”(psychologically reversing each other).

This must be also a reason for our emotional hypnosis, for our fake approval of others when we only need self-calming, and for our lack of true compatibility, or true desire to find real Soul compatibility. And for certain, our sleep is the cause of incessant cycles of blaming and shaming others for what we don’t want to see about ourselves. But in this zealotry of “owning your trauma” and your shadow, of the 21st century WOKE spirituality, where if you blame or victimize yourself you are crucified and “unaware”, there must be something giving to this excessive martyrdom: You become a teacher for others. If you swallow up your pride. Except you cannot swallow it up when you are really wrong. And you are only owning what isn’t actually yours while discarding what you actually should own. And the cycle of blaming continues.

How do we know what we need to own in interactions? Almost always is something that we aren’t seeing and isn’t blatantly thrown into our face, while this could be actually the issue of another. And personally, I am not saying this for the sake of martyrdom here, or to be more precise, for the purpose of manipulating you into believing some newer spiritual technique, but in most cases where you try to own what you are blamed of, you end up being blamed more or you end up dismissing what your real issues are and are faced with even more problems(or at least, the issue at hand not being solved by you “owning it”). So here we have the trap of the century: We “own it”, while dismissing our real issues, while scratching each others backs for those unacknowledged issues while reversing roles with each other in order to carry on in life with those issues not even imagined let alone perceived or allowed to correct.

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