Respect: the Lifeblood of Social Life
A new way to understand and earn respect
John Lord Couper, Ph.D.
Some people have the essential, rare — but learnable — ability to attract respect.
Of course, the soil of respect is self-respect, which involves both giving yourself credit and recognizing your limitations… even as you are expanding them. One fruit of respect is accomplishment because, when others respect and trust us, their efforts complement and strengthen ours.
Respect is complex, yet deeply natural. It draws on and integrates all our strengths: understanding, connection, empathy, desire for leadership, ambition, symbolism, and more.
People truly want and need to feel respect but don’t lightly offer this deep connection. It isn’t a commodity: once we have respect, it withers unless we sustain it.
It’s possible to briefly trick people into giving it, but not for long.
Respect is the flip side of leadership. Ironically, one of the best ways to earn respect, and be seen as a leader, is to also be a good follower of anyone whose abilities or responsibilities deserve it.
We are all students and all teachers.
A Path to Respect
How can anyone deserve and earn greater respect? Consider this list and an inside-out system for increasing respect:
Create five columns: 1) categories, 2) qualities, then (on a scale of 1–10), 3) how important each is to you, 4) how completely you embody and display it, and 5) some way you will change number 4) to be closer to number 3).
I propose these characteristics as sources of respect:
1. Steady
Believe in your actions and values yet be ready to improve them
Be consistent and sincere
Be reliable and trustworthy
Be direct, Focused, solid, and clear
Display an ethical, responsible, moral center
2. Interactive
Listen and show interest in others — both professionally and personally
Compliment when possible, criticize (neutrally and helpfully) when necessary
Collaborate and release the strengths of others
Understand and act on new ideas and information
3. Leaderly
Express a vision and greater purpose
Link details to priorities and vice-versa
Think situations through, then be spontaneous
Be proactive and ensure momentum
Solve problems instead of over-apologizing
Be constructive and optimistic
Develop alert, realistic confidence
4. Centered
Find the simple meaning and direction within every action
Respond thoughtfully, don’t react automatically
Balance independence with collaboration
Relax and laugh easily
Emphasize your inside-out capacities and passions
Admit and correct mistakes and limitations
5. Communicative
Show quiet conviction in what you say, as well as why and how you say it
Ask good questions and seriously consider good answers
Be authentic and appropriately open
Be cheerfully clear about your limitations and weaknesses
Giving and gaining respect is a precious, basic human desire that’s as important as ever. Unfortunately, it’s increasingly difficult in today’s fragmenting, demanding, cynical world.
I hope this exercise helps you earn a little more respect every day.
“Venture Up”: info@johnlordcouper.com
