Sasha, Why’d You Do It?
How and why my abuser did what she did
This post contains highly triggering topics including childhood SA and is for 18+.
I was around 5 years old, sitting at the kitchen table. Sasha was talking about how fun it would be to go with the kids to Coney Island, more to my mother than to me or my younger brother. “Let me take Aliyah to Coney Island!” Sasha said enthusiastically, confident this was a good idea, that it would be fun.
I wasn’t too excited, but mildly curious. I wasn’t very happy in life to begin with. I didn’t feel connected with my mother and as a cherry on top, felt replaced by my younger brother. There was a bit of love from my father but I didn’t feel he understood me at all. When Sasha, the nanny, showed up in my life the was a bit of hope. She was alive, present and paid attention. I really liked her, or at least that’s how I always remembered it.
My brother wanted to come with us as Sasha and I stood in the doorway about to leave. I heard my mother say “This is Aliyah’s special time with Sasha. You’ll get your turn soon.” And we were off.
Going to Coney Island was too abstract for me to be excited about beforehand but sitting next to Sasha on the subway I remember swinging my feet, thinking, “wow, she really loves me! She really wants to spend time with me…
