The 5 Big Lessons I Learnt From Apologies I Never Received
Use these to turn hurt into healing
I have waited for many unheard apologies.
The hope that people I trusted would take accountability for their actions has long held me back. And when it didn’t happen, it left me heartbroken.
Then, the moment came when I could no longer remain stuck. Expectations without noticing the reality set you up for more hurt. And I decided, I would move on, even without the closure.
The journey has been tough. Sometimes, I still feel the pain of the past. But, it no longer has power over me.
Today, I want to share a few lessons I have learned along the way.
1. Self-blame is not the solution
When trust breaks, it is natural to look for reasons.
The need for answers forces you to replay conversations and dissect actions. And in the absence of one, you blame yourself.
“Did I do something wrong?”. “Was I too naive?”. Or “Should I have seen the signs earlier?”.
When you start questioning your worth, it convinces you that you are not enough.
It shouldn’t be surprising, that the guilt makes you more anxious and stressed. Your mental health deteriorates, worsening your self-esteem.
Studies show that those who report higher levels of self-blame at baseline are more likely to develop symptoms of depression later on.
It may look like accusing yourself will give the answers you seek. But, self-blame is not the solution.
No matter how better, or more deserving you think you could have been, there is no guarantee that the situation would have been different.
So, stop accusing yourself. Even if you believe you played a role in the circumstances, you are not solely responsible. Recognise that people’s behaviour is a reflection of who they are. And you deserve accountability.
It is challenging to reframe the mindset of blaming yourself but, without it, there’s no growth.
2. Forgiveness is confusing, and that’s okay
Moving from hurt to forgiveness is a long and messy journey.
You do not wake up one day with the resentment gone. There remain highs and lows of conflicting emotions.
A moment of acceptance turns into anger. Relief and feelings of betrayal coexist and confuse you. You understand you have to let go, but your mind refuses to.
And you know what? That’s okay.
Forgiveness is complex.
You don’t have to pretend everything’s okay. Instead, give yourself time to process.
It isn’t about forgetting the wrong done to you. It’s about reclaiming your control. It’s about not allowing others’ behaviour to define your worth.
Above all, it’s a journey that is unique to everyone.
So, take space to understand what forgiveness means to you.
Allow yourself to feel angry, hurt and confused. There’s no rush to let go. Show yourself kindness as you heal.
Forgiveness isn’t a weakness. Instead, it is an act of courage.
As Mahatma Gandhi has said:
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
3. Respect trumps love, always
Without honour, everything collapses.
Think about it — you can love someone with all your heart. But, without respect, you will not feel safe and secure with them.
And any relationship which asks to compromise your self-respect is not worth it. Not now. Not ever.
Without regard for each others’ boundaries and autonomy, love dies.
Here are a few ways, respect finds its place in building meaningful connections:
- Not forcing your opinions.
- Making an effort to resolve conflicts.
- Listening to concerns without getting defensive.
- Giving space.
- Making important decisions together.
So, next time, you justify the disrespectful behaviour of people you love, ask yourself:
Would I tolerate this from someone else?
Because, while love is a beautiful feeling. It’s respect that sustains a bond in the long run. It’s respect that allows you to face challenges together.
4. Emotional detachment from toxic people isn’t selfish
To dissociate yourself emotionally from people who drain you is self-care.
Many of us are conditioned to prioritise others’ needs before us. We experience guilt while establishing boundaries or taking what we need.
Remember, you are your #1 priority.
Getting rid of toxic people is necessary for your well-being.
It doesn’t mean you stop caring about others. It means you understand the damaging effect their behaviour has on you. It’s about bringing yourself out of the situation that ruins your peace of mind.
Say, ‘no’. Do not endure circumstances that make you miserable.
Take responsibility for your happiness. Show up for yourself. Let go of relationships that do not serve you. Create a space to heal and grow. Respect yourself by standing up for your emotions.
You only have one life. Do not waste it on people who don’t see your worth.
5. New beginnings are more important than happy endings
We love happy endings, don’t we?
The perfect stories and the happily ever afters. I wish life was more consistent like that. But, it isn’t.
The harsh truth is: there are no guarantees.
Even if you crave the hour to stay forever. The phase of life to go on. Or never have to say goodbye. In reality, moments come to an end.
But, the good news is you have a choice to start afresh.
I have realised that new beginnings give you back your power. It allows you to learn and discover more about yourself.
Yes, it isn’t easy. To lose a version of you.
It requires you to step out of your comfort zone. But, transitions like this make the most difference in your life.
A new start empowers you to turn hurt into growth.
So, go on. Step into the uncertainty. Invest in yourself. Face your regrets head-on. And let your courage surprise you.
There you have it.
The lessons I have learnt from the apologies I never received. They guide me to become more resilient and make better decisions in my life.
Now, it’s your turn. Take a moment to reflect on how these learnings resonate with your experiences.
What has been your biggest takeaway from unsaid sorries?
