Self-Help Is Not Just About Yourself

The contradictions I had when practicing self-help

Sparkling Annabel

Published in

ILLUMINATION

5 min readApr 16, 2024

Not everyone has someone to lean on or know exactly what to do when life gets hard.

I wasn’t exactly sure what I was looking for but I needed to get out of the rut.

Self-help came to me when I was desperate.

Step by step, I found power and faith in myself again.

Self-help is one of the best decisions I made for myself and it has changed my life ever since.

But looking back, there are also misinterpretations of self-help that could go too far. Here are the major problems I had when practicing self-help.

Self-Help Only Shows Snapshot of Who You Are

“I don't know myself anymore.”

“No one knows me more than I do.”

Those are the statements I often use before.

I said the first when I was lost in life and didn’t know what to do.

I said the second after I thought I’d learned enough to build a new stabilized self.

Both are extreme and untrue.

With all kinds of self-help videos, articles and books, we can learn how to be more productive, how to get out of the rut and make a to-do list to get motivated daily, or how to have a positive mindset and build a stronger self-image.

Those are indeed inspiring and helpful, but just because we have learned to do so doesn't necessarily mean we know who we are.

We are not painted pictures. Our lives are not written script. We change all the time.

Self-help is a chance for us to look deeply into ourselves, but that image in the mirror is only a snapshot, a fragment, a glimpse of who you are.

What I have done is to accept the fact that I am and will always be constantly changing and growing. I don’t label myself or accept the tags given to me, I don’t focus on the definitions, I focus on who I want to be and that changes as I go.

Self-Help Can Overemphasis the Role of Individuals

When there was no one for me to lean on, it was right to turn to myself because I trusted myself the most.

But the constant self-reflection and conversations can be very mentally draining. Especially when you aim for the long run, looking-at-yourself-in-the-mirror type of practice can be too much if you are still trying to get yourself together.

I know I can be very tough and mean when I get upset about myself. I criticize my every behavior, I judge my every thought, I am concerned about how people see me. Am I too much? Am I too little? Why would I do that? Why didn’t I do that? I blame it all on myself, the one in the mirror too.

When the attention goes mostly inside, you have to be careful not to drown yourself in it.

I finally realized that I took on too much unnecessary burden on my shoulders, I ignored my strength and capabilities, I forgot to be grateful for what I have and who I am, I forgot to celebrate the small wins and progress.

I was such a dick to myself.

Self-Help Doesn’t Mean to Exclude People From Your Life

At first, I eliminated some toxic people from my life because I knew they were no good for me.

Then after the cleanse, there are also some vacancies in roles appeared.

When I remove some of the responsibilities from myself, I can be able to see how others could play in my life.

You don’t have to live like a monk for growth and clarity.

You don’t have to isolate yourself for self-help to work.

Sometimes, all you need to do is let people in and ask.

Asking people for favors or a helping hand can activate the dynamic and also relieve you from extra weight.

When you ask, you assign a role to the person in a scene called “Your life”. It would help if you simply accepted the fact that it is impossible to play every role at a time. Asking people to contribute is not that hard. Those who helped will also feel a sense of fulfillment, which can also deepen your relationships.

Asking for help was not a sign of incompetence or weakness. Admitting your limitations is a power move in self-help, which means you let go of wanting to control. Then you’ll become more powerful by letting people play their part.

Self-Help Won’t Make You Superior Than Others

I thought I knew more.

I thought I knew better.

I had a recap of the old me vs the new me and witnessed the progress I made along the way, I was astonished and excited about how much my mindset has upgraded in the back of the change.

I have changed so much that I want people around me to know how and keep up with me as well. But when they showed indifference or confusion, I felt they were ‘falling behind’.

I didn’t realize I had the urge to control how others live or respond. I wanted them to also ‘know more and know better’ and if I found out they didn’t, I’d secretly blame them for not wanting to progress.

My ego was too big and too obsessed.

Hindsight is that people have their own way of living and their wisdom in life. You can influence them with your own words and doing, but you can’t change their mind or tell them what/how to do. I call that a self-help manipulator.

That is not who self-help has taught me to be. The key to not going to the extreme is being aware of how your ego thinks and always being an observer.

Final Thoughts

Self-help can be the salvation for those who didn’t have access to other resources of help like I used to. If you are on this journey with me, it takes courage and dedication to better ourselves. But when navigating while learning, we need to be careful of what we take into our mind and remember: