Social Media is Destroying Your Relationships
If you need a movie to realise it, it might already be too late.
When it comes to social media, lately I’ve relied more on observation than participation. I still see a lot of my friends posting mid-week selfies and videos of their weekend adventures, hooked onto the likes chain, but I simply can’t force myself to post any more.
I’m not sure exactly what happened to me, but every next picture on social media suddenly feels so pointless and devoid of meaning in the grand scheme of things.
Maybe it had something to do with the COVID-19 months we all experienced that put things into perspective.
Maybe it’s related to the socio-political systems aimed to persuade us that everything’s okay while millionaires and those on top of the food chain are earning money on our predictable behaviour.
Maybe I just got fed up with all the filters.
We’re not curators, just a bunch of imperfect human beings.
Social media feeds on one of the hardest lessons we all struggle to learn throughout our brief existence — the pursuit of perfection is futile.
The pursuit of a perfect life is ruining our lives. It’s dissolving the needed communication for sustainable relationships and bringing us down to the level of guessing and stressing over things we could simply acknowledge, discuss and accept.
We can’t predict or create the perfect life. We are not perfect, perfection was never made to be obtained by humans.
Sure, we come up with perfect creations every now and then, but soon enough either the advanced world changes the requirements or we discover new exciting possibilities that surpass what we initially conceived as ‘perfect’.
While we can appreciate art and learn lessons from the art world, we can never fully be curators of our own inner gallery. We are full of errors and mistakes that we must celebrate, instead of constantly trying to hide them in an attempt to portray an impeccable consciousness. Equally important we must keep off limits the parts of us that are reserved only for a select group of people we trust enough to let in.
We’re not puppets in the hands of an almighty man, or are we?
The last few months of following bloggers who devotedly shared their outfits, homemade recipes, beauty products — and everything else that could be used for promotion — on a daily basis, only reminded me that they are part of a vicious eco-system designed to make others rich. Namely, the creators of those social media platforms.
Nearly 85% of the so-called Instagram influencers in 2019 were female. This should hardly come as a surprise to if you were indeed paying attention to the developing world of social media as it is right now.
Men create the tools for women to use, giving them a false sense of control and empowerment, while they are thriving in all the power. But we each play a part in the social media culture dynamics.
Let’s go back to 2003 for a moment. Mark Zuckerberg started FaceMash to get his fellow Harvard elite students to rate each other on the basis of “hot or not”, that is, the women on campus. He wanted to initiate the conversation, but he was not interested in connecting people — and he certainly didn’t see them as equal, otherwise the contest would have included the male students too.
One major side effect of spending too much time scrolling down social media posts is FOMO, or the feeling of missing out, which leads to comparing your life to those of others. This, of course, could lead to a sense of alienation from one’s community or worse: contribute to mental health issues, like anxiety, stress and depression.
Let’s not forget that the lives we see online are often nothing more than a lie.
You see a picture of a smiling mother who’s, in fact, struggling with a postpartum depression or a diminished self-esteem, since her husband is not giving her the needed attention, yet she doesn’t communicate her needs, but instead post selfies day after day, so as to create a ripple effect. If her friends and neighbours can see her worth, then surely her husband will too.
In another profile, there’s a man who’s posing with a couple of attractive women and suddenly he’s a role model for the shy, inexperienced guys hiding behind their video game avatars. He presents himself as the successful hustler who’s got it all — you can become one, too, if you follow his teachings. Plot twist: he’s a compulsive liar with a narcissistic disorder.
Mark Zuckerberg created a platform to measure the hotness of women. A wildly misogynistic story, yet one so widely accepted by now that we don’t even bat an eye. Two of the most used social media platforms today — Facebook and Instagram — are owned by Zuckerberg. He might have created FaceMash as a prank at university, but its purpose to divide and compare persists on his platforms, while he gets richer by the day.
We’re not entitled to anything beyond what we give, but I’ll be damned if I don’t get my like.
We get so obsessed with planning our social media feed, that we forget to live in the moment and there are long-lasting consequences.
The more time we spend on social media, the more every choice we make becomes entangled in the social butterfly effect mentality. Should I buy this outfit, will it make a great addition to my feed? Is this milk frothy enough for a morning Boomerang of my amateur latte art? If I post a snap of this book, will I get some extra likes for my thoughtfulness?
The feelings of self-entitlement slowly but gradually rise up to burn us when we get disappointed that Sarah or John got more likes for “their life choices”.
The clothes we wear are not the end game, they are the means to get there. Clothes are just one of the many commodities that allow us to unleash our full potential by keeping us warm, safe and relaxed.
The books we read are not the end game, they are the means to get there. Books allow us to grow our mindset, to explore different points of view, to travel through the minds of extraordinary people.
As for your coffee — or tea, if you’re not a coffee lover — it should fill you up with love for life and if it doesn’t, you need to re-think how you perceive and practice gratitude, because that’s a key ingredient to a fulfilling existence.
The “Social Dilemma” effect: To share or not to share
To share or not to share: for some this question equals the affirmation of existing. If you didn’t share where you last ate lunch or the latest purchase you made from shop X or Z, are you even part of the community? But what community is that?
Your local community needs you as much as your online followers.
I know I’ve destroyed some relationships myself simply on the basis of being distressed that I didn’t look a certain way or be in possession of certain items that would prevent me from fitting in.
Or worse — I’ve destroyed some relationships because I focused on creating the memorable pictures rather than the connection with the people I was with, once or twice, or perhaps a lot more than that.
If you ask me who were those pictures for, I wouldn’t have an answer today. They certainly weren’t for me — I’m smiling on them, but I want to cry now as I remember the memory with bittersweet fondness and I wish I could have been just a little bit more present in it, so that I can relive those days with the people that now remain in the past.
No, these pictures were for me. As I look at them now, I am fond of the memories, full of gratitude for every person in my life.
I know better now — to not let the future moments go to waste.
The last few months have reminded me of the importance of one’s support bubble, of one’s community. I started reaching out to the people from the photos. I asked them about their life, I didn’t just assume. I learned, I shared, I connected — beyond likes, comments and tagging. Sure, I still share the occasional meme or tag a friend in a ridiculous video, but that’s just on top of the meaningful engagements.
The core of my relationships now is all about reaching out, calling, messaging, video chatting, rather than just watching social media feed for hours, thinking it gave me answers.
There was a point in my life where I thought when my friends were smiling on the photos they posted, everything was going well & when they stopped posting, there must have been some terrible tragedy. I know better now, at least I think I do.
Is it time to get yourself off social media?
Once you get hooked into the game of scrolling and likes, it’s tough to get out without some losses, but it’s the only way to actually being present in your life and nourishing all of your relationships.
When we create to inspire or educate or share the truth in a meaningful way, it could make a difference for many people in the world.
But when we’re stealing from the little time we have to share our days with people we don’t know or care about in order to impress them, then it’s time to reconsider our priorities.
You don’t need the big gender reveal party — don’t look at the camera, look at the eyes of your partner during this intimate moment.
Save yourself the trip to the local restaurant if you’re only going for a picture of their new dessert — if you go, really taste it and savour the moment, or better yet, go back home and recreate the recipe together with your family, friends or neighbours.
Life could feel like the holiest place when you’re enjoying your own company or the company of your loved ones doing nothing special in particular.
That’s the purpose of life I think — to find your inner joy with the people you love around you and social media won’t give that to you, even if it gives you a shortcut to reaching out to a global audience.
