Society’s Bitter Pill
Buried deep beneath the insecurities of the person that they wanted me to be, is the truth of who I actually am.
As the darkness set upon my soul, my withered body shrunk in the darkness of its own destruction. The parties, the drugs, the self-abuse and toxification. Forever yearning, searching, wanting, needing. Running from myself, from the truth of who I really was.
For what was the truth? Who was I really? Battered and bruised, insignificant and insecure. Succumbing to society’s idea of who I was meant to be. Torturing myself with the pain of who I was not. Always trying, forcing, pretending. Wanting to be the person that they told me I should be.
Society’s moneymaker — that’s who I was. A stockbroker with all my wealth. The fast cars, the designer clothes, the city pads and big nights out.
Popular — forever popular. I had to be popular. Deprived of my energy in order to maintain my status of popularity. Pleasing people even when I myself was left unpleased. Pleasing men even when it meant that I was left feeling degraded and unsatisfied. Even when they were not men that I even wanted to please.
Insecurities that ran so deep that my self-worth and value came scantily clad in provocative clothing that served only to further attract the kind of attention that left me feeling further waylaid and worthless. That led me further into the darkness of my own wrath and destruction. That saw me push away love as I did not deem myself worthy of such a thing.
Insecurities buried deep, hidden well by my permanent state of intoxication. By the job that swept my mind away from any realisation of truth within me. That kept me well distracted and well within the remit of what society had wanted for me.
A job that gave me everything I could have ever wanted — at least that is what society told me. Yet all that I could have ever wanted left me feeling dissatisfied and cold. That bitter taste that swirled up through my gut, blackening my heart with the wretched stench of dis-ease and disgust. Disgust for myself and who I had become. For the lengths that I would go to to sell my soul to society’s will. To allow my body to be ravaged by drugs, alcohol and abuse. To find my self-worth at the bottom of a bottle or in the arms of another whose charms relieved me of my insecurities, if only for a few blessed hours.
But who am I now? Worthy and whole. Beautiful and joyous. Powerful and loved. Knowing myself fully and working to release all of the shame, guilt, fear and disempowerment that once wracked my bones and engulfed my dreams.
For what is the truth of me? Buried deep beneath the insecurities of the person that they wanted me to be, is the truth of who I actually am. That powerful being that saw the light. That saw through the destruction and darkness that tore at the very essence of my soul. That fell deep into the clutches of despair but then used that darkest moment to rise like the phoenix from the ashes of my own destruction.
Powerful beings we all are, battered and torn, fallen from grace, disconnected from the source of our own soul, our own knowing. Forgetting who we really are and from whence we came. Forgetting the power of our own light to shine our way through the darkness.
That is the truth of me. I am light. I am power. I am beauty and I am grace. I am no one thing. I can not be put into society’s brackets and norms. I can not be caged by society’s beliefs. I can no longer be held in the tight grips of society’s shackles.
I am me, and you are you! I am forever changing and growing and being and flowing. No longer yearning or searching or wanting. Simply expanding into the greater consciousness of who I have always been.
I am free. Free of the system that created my insecurities. That told me that I could not be me. I found my way by turning my back on all that I thought I knew, in order to re-empower myself with all that I actually am.
Oh ill health, how I thank ye now. How I now breathe in the bosom of your destruction. How thankful I now am that you ravaged my body and broke my will. That you engulfed me in fear and pulled me into a sea of negativity and depression. For without you, I would never have had the courage to turn my back on all that I was, in order to become all that I truly am.
I look back with love at those painful days. I now see that society’s bitter pill allowed me to shed the darkness from my soul and step into the light of all that I came here to be. That the lessons that my journey taught me allow me to walk with courage and truth in my heart.
I now see how strong I am, how beautiful I am and how worthy I am. I now know that the only person that I need to please is myself and that through doing so, I gently shine my light of love out onto a world that so desperately needs to see that light.
I now bathe in the light of my own love as I use the power within me to be all that I came here to be, for all that I came here to be is magnificent.
