Diary of a natural-born feminist
Some Women Search for Love & Some for a Deal
Does it pay off to be calculating?
Dear ladies and others,
some people seem to know from an early age onwards what they want and how to get it. A finished life plan with clear milestones. House, tree, children, job. Others have to kiss many frogs to know what they really want (if they will ever know) …..
“Did you know that Richard is in prison?” says Susanne, a friend since childhood, when she calls me on Sunday evening. I’m sitting and that’s good. Within a few seconds, my feelings change from regret, malicious joy to pity. “He speculated with his car dealership and stole 10 million EUR. Mum read it in the local newspaper. He must have bought too many Maseratis. Now Caroline, unfortunately, can’t buy Chanel bags anymore.”
Richard and Caroline.
A long story. Richard was my first love. A nice boy from a good family with damn high ambitions. At the age of 10, he already wore a suit at his father's request, a businessman. When I met him at a club at the age of 16 it must have been destiny because we were like fire and ice.
Since my big sister surprisingly took me along and my punk clothes didn’t fit the occasion, I wore her conservative trouser suit. So I entered the noble club totally dressed up and fitted wonderfully in with the crowd of higher sons and daughters.
Opposites attract and Richard and I became a couple.
I was bursting with energy and he stayed unexcited. I wanted to conquer the world and he wanted to become terribly rich in his hometown. He from time to time wanted to put our relationship on hold and then gave me a bouquet of roses or a bonsai to apologize.
He said “Be gentle to this bonsai. It is a symbol of our love.” The bonsai did not survive for long. His friends and my friends couldn’t get along with each other, we were too different, and still, it was love. Until the day he cheated on me with Caroline.
I met Caroline when she approached us at university.
I, Richard, and a couple of friends were sitting in the entry hall. The typical students were rushing by. The handsome guy with the pink Polo shirt, the Rolex, and the noisy tailor-made shoes. The tall Eastern European model with fake lips who studied for whatever reason. The short blonde with pearl earrings always sitting in the first row. Half of the people had the plan to complete their studies, the other half was in search of something else. Caroline and her then-boyfriend Damien who happened to be the new best friend of Richard approached us and I hated her right from the beginning. She wore a black leather costume and big creoles in her ears. She was pretty and I was jealous. My style was more grunge while this girl at the age of 19 already looked like a jet-set woman. She looked like the perfect match for an investment banker. Like a perfectly trained future wife for an upper-class member. And she was ready to find her best deal. She sat down next to me.
It snowed outside and Damien, the son of a famous lawyer, said “We just came back from skiing at the Arlberg.” Caroline added „The weather was horrible. It rained all the time. I almost ruined my Dolce & Gabbana moon boots.”
She did not say more but showed us her perfect smile. Perfect white teeth in the most kissable mouth with fleshy lips wearing a bright red lipstick that I would have never dared to wear at that age.
In general, she did not talk a lot but she always smiled lovely. Nothing was loud about her. Not the French-manicured fingernails, not her accurately cut blonde bob or her soft silk blouses. Only the density of designer logos indicated that she somehow screamed for attention.
She was pure perfection and seduction.
Being raised in a rich family she spent her summers by the pool in Greece at her family’s summer residence and her winter holidays relaxing in lovely skiing resorts. I was raised in a small apartment, for the first time left the country at the age of 18, and had no clue how to ski. We could not have had less in common.
Caroline and Damien separated. Damien disappeared and Caroline remained in our circle of friends which was quite strange when you think about it years later. After the separation, we saw her crying and witnessed her weight gain and then her weight loss. We felt sorry for her while she made sure we all learned about Damien’s infidelity. Caroline and I were like black and white but we became kind of friends. Or we were forced to since Richard and Caroline got closer and closer. We all knew that Caroline wasn’t the brightest one. Richard was so kind to help her with her studies but I never really perceived her as a threat to my relationship. I simply thought she would be too dumb for him. They spent days alone in the library of the university. I should have known better. And I should have been alarmed when we both went to the gym and I discovered that she had a perfect body and was wearing La Perla underwear while I was wearing the usual lousy Hennes & Mauritz panties. I consequently went to a lingerie store and bought my first La Perla bra from a disgusting old man who measured my tiny breasts. What kind of man owns a lingerie store? But that’s another topic.
One day at the university cafeteria she stared at me with a sad expression on her face. One could tell that something seriously frightened her. She bit her lips and played with her golden earrings with little diamonds.
“I messed up my last exam and I’m so afraid how dad will react. It is the third time I failed and I might get kicked out of the class.” She started to cry. I hugged her and she calmed down a bit. It was clear to me from the very beginning that she did not enjoy her studies so I asked: “Why are you studying law?” She replied, “Well, you know that my father is a lawyer and my mum thinks I need a proper education.”
In summer that year we were all invited to her family’s place. Of course, it was located at a lake with a private beach. I was curious to get to know her mother who was the driving force behind Caroline’s perfect appearance. We sat outside and her mother brought me a blanket as I was freezing. Apart from that she ignored me and was incredibly interested in the male part of our group of friends.
She took her daughter’s hand and said with a gentle voice “At University you really meet the most interesting men.” I noticed that Caroline stared at Richard when she confirmed her mother’s statement “Absolutely true!” and for the first time, I understood why she went to university. With her big blue eyes and her jumper with the Chanel logo, she looked completely innocent and her naive calculating nature fascinated me.
When Richard asked me if I wanted to move into his apartment I said that I was actually thinking about moving to the States. He wanted to settle down, I wanted to fly. In the end, the massive amount of designer logos convinced the man who wanted to climb higher than high and we separated.
A year after hooking up with Caroline he surprisingly called me and we met at a coffee shop.
“Caroline and I got engaged,” he said. He looked deep into my eyes and seemed to wait for my reaction. I was playing with my phone thinking about my new job in the music industry and all the stars I would meet. Still, I felt a sting in my heart. I congratulated him while I was thinking “I’m difficult and she is not.”
Perhaps this was the last attempt by him to understand whether we could have a future. I let him go with his Maseratis and moved to the US. I spent the next years googling him from time to time while having meaningless relationships. He soon had two children, became more and more successful. And I asked myself whether it was a mistake to leave him. He might have been the right one. For a long time, I was restless and felt under pressure. I longed for a bright future with a husband, maybe a baby, and a band. It was especially hard on New Year’s Eve and birthdays and I asked myself what I already should have achieved in my life.
My dreams were big, my reality was small.
Could I have taken a shortcut on this journey? I don't think so…
How much experience should and must one gain and shouldn’t we have listened to our parents right away? How calculating can and should one be? In the past, the parents determined who you would marry. And at work, an assessment center helps to find the right candidate. Would this be a better approach? In my case not.
“I needed almost a decade to understand what I really want and need. In the end, I found my husband to whom I’m happily married for years now, I got 2 kids and have a career. I was rushing into life naively, I was falling on my nose several times but I learned all I needed to learn about myself.”
A few months later my mom calls me saying that she heard from a friend that Caroline and Richard got divorced. Caroline probably did not find it too sexy to visit her husband in jail. A year later I learn that she got married again. A well-known rich entrepreneur. I wish her better luck this time.
Because calculating logo girls might outrun the dazed & confused but also might end up with a miscalculation.
And remember the tall Eastern European model from my university I mentioned in the beginning? She happened to marry a right-wing politician. Their photo pops up in celebrity magazines regularly and he keeps saying that he was so proud of his smart and beautiful wife holding a Ph.D. in philosophy. She is then smiling with her fake lips and talks about her exciting life as a full-time mom and soon-to-be blogger. I don’t think she has ever had a job in her life.
Xxx, Venus Rebel
