Still a “terrible and disorganized child” in the eyes of my Chinese Immigrant Parents
To listen or not to listen? I have a strained relationship with my mom…
>.< So the above image that I found online is a good depiction of me as a teenager… not super rebellious, okay… well, probably rebellious since I would talk back to my parents (and rolled my eyes, in which my parents responded with a… not so nice of a tone), but I still end up listening to them, since it was “their house = their rules”.
Well… currently, I’m living by myself in the graduate dorms and doing my best to stay focused and being a “good student” (as a friend of mine would say), minus the research and fencing aspects of my life, which I miss so much 😭. And being a good citizen by not leaving the confines of this cozy sized dorm. Although I should probably be studying… rather than writing this… but… this is something I wanted to get off my chest and also wanted a slight change to my schedule, because I don’t have time or mental capacity to go stir-crazy.😕
Every day seems to be a monotonous one now: I wake up at 6:30 or 7 (and be a slightly lazy panda, curled up on my bed, browsing my phone and reading articles on Medium or checking my email) for about thirty minutes, listen to the news or watch Youtube videos (especially ones with cute kittens) as I eat breakfast, study, cook (when I need to), eat dinner (while replying to some texts that friends send me (if any)) and shower, study some more, work on job apps and maybe or maybe not receive a FaceTime call from my dad, who’s currently in China because of work (and his mother)… well… he’s stuck there for… who knows how long…, then I sleep at around 11 or 12. And then rinse and repeat the next day…
My relationship with my parents though (which is what I’m aiming for in this… essay/rant? I still don’t know how to refer to this platform as… I think I’ll call this one a rant…), well, specifically my mom… it’s not going well. My mom (who lives in the state that is basically the center of the US) and I recently, just yesterday, had an argument. I understand that due to this isolation and also since we’re both alone, we may have some emotional stresses coming along. She brought up some of our past issues a few weeks ago. But I just brushed it off since she, as usual, plays the “I blame you for x, y, z…” and I told her sorry for my past mistakes. My mom, in response, says to me in Chinese “No… I’m just saying…”
I’ve definitely tried to sit down and talk to her about issues between us, but she always says “talk about what? We don’t have anything to talk about. You just need to succeed in school and then you’ll know why.” So I just nod and move on with my day.
Yesterday, she brought up the issue of me graduating “late”, and that I still can’t work a proper job… okay… I guess she might have a point on the job part (“but I’m working in a lab 妈”(pronounced as “mā” which means “mom” in Mandarin) and I’m applying to jobs in research … So I told her, due to these circumstances and also some of my experiments in the lab not working due to some issues that I couldn’t control, I will have to graduate late. I have to do a thesis defense, and if I don’t do that then I can’t graduate. Now with the pandemic on hand, I can’t even leave my dorm. So she says… well… I think you know what she says (Hint: it starts with an “s” and ends with a “y”, and you do this in order to get good grades). This has been an endless cycle between the two of us (as well as my dad since he always stands on my mom’s side) since I had started graduate school a year and a half ago. I understand where she’s coming from since her and my dad were immigrants who came to the US for a better life and sacrificed so much just to make it to today, and I really appreciate it. But at the same time, I sometimes wish she could look at things with a bit more of an open perspective, like my dad… She continues by bringing up some other issues that have to do with my studies. In the past, I wasn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the toolbox… (and I’m still not… but I’m trying!) So I said this “I really appreciate what you and dad have done for me! But, I make good grades. I study hard and am studying in a hard field. I teach and coach fencing. I’m looking for a job in research. I’m in the process of x, y, and z. What else do you want me to do? I can only do so much. Unless… I make a double of myself?” That was a joke that I said to her in Chinese and she didn’t take that too well… oops…
She responded with “I’m not trying to be mad at you. I’m only reminding you.”
“Of what? To study hard? To support myself? (I’m working on that currently.) To get into a top university?” (Okay… that never happened, and it probably never will… but… I know that I’m working with some of the brightest minds in my field and I also have fantastic mentors who are not only scientists but also inventors (and one of them has an MD Ph.D., has so much experience in life, and is still going strong and he’s brilliant! I sometimes feel like I could pick his brain for hours on end and listen to him ramble on and on about diseases, current clinical trials, and medical/scientific inventions.)). *sigh* I’m studying neuroscience mom. And that’s really hard!”
“I know that science and neuroscience is hard, but you still don’t understand?” 妈 said.
“妈. I don’t know what you want from me anymore. I’m doing my best and doing what I can. Humans aren’t perfect. I just don’t know what you’re trying to say to me.”
She just sighed and said along the lines of “I know that humans aren’t perfect, but you still never understand what I’m trying to say.” (Not sure how to translate the exact wording into English…). “I don’t care what you do. Go do whatever you want.”
So after she said those words. I said the words (that I regret…) “你有冤不会满足我做的事.” (“You’re never going to be satisfied with what I do.”) I just hung up. What she said was painful to me. But then again I hurt her verbally as well, but I don’t feel like apologizing. I’m just frustrated at this point. I’m tired of listening to her. I'm exhausted from trying to figure out if she’s proud of me or not… And I’m still confused. I’m doing my best. I know I’m still like a naive young adult, and still have a lot to learn.
I have a complex relationship with my mom. I’m not sure who to talk to about this. Some of my friends just say “Your mom’s crazy.” (But that’s not true…). A friend, who’s like a brother to me (who’s also Asian), said that most Asian parents are like this… But I don’t know… are they?
So, I guess… if anyone does stumble upon this essay/rant (and has decided to read through), I’d like some advice. I know that being a first-generation Asian American in the US is something that is perceived as pressure by some and that we need to “do our best” and “save face for our parents” since they’ve had hardships in the past, and there is the stereotypical saying “Don’t dishonor your family.”
😑 Right… I’m just a bit confused as to what to do. I’m not sure if I should apologize for being “not understanding”, or if I should just leave the issue as is and just see if one of us does decide to call the other. I understand that everyone has their own sets of issues and past problems. I’d like to know how I can navigate through this since I have a strained relationship with my mom and want to try to fix it, although… in many aspects, I can be stubborn.
