SHE SPEWED
Stop Discounting My Femininity
Gender is a performance
It is only of late as I step into being a 22 year old young woman that I’ve realized I have spent most of my life defending my femininity to people of both genders. My choice of martial diction is not an attempt at melodrama. My femininity has sustained injury through backhanded compliments and passing comments which have culminated in my internalization of gender norms I am still trying to unlearn.
Gender is a social and cultural construction. Gender norms are normative conceptions of behavioural attitudes and actions which inform our understanding of what it means to be male or female. Case in point, crying is an act associated with the emotionality of women. Men on the other hand, are told to “man up” and stiffen their upper lip.
While gender stereotypes are progressively being challenged and dismantled, the gendering of the simple act of crying speaks to how gender is essentially a performance. Engaging in gendered practices is a mode of action that allows for self-identification and expression. The choice between putting on pants or a skirt? It’s not as trivial as you would think. Dressing is one way in which we “do gender” to communicate to ourselves and others our gender identity. From the way we speak to the way we sit, our gender identity is continually being reinforced through social interactions.
It just so happens, however, that my peers have critically rated the performance of my gender as subpar. My being is apparently uncharacteristic of a stereotypical female and I’ve found myself in the position of having to defend my femininity against people who discount it. But you know what? I’m done trying to mould myself in the image of what feminine looks like.
Before I digress, let me first set the scene.
Performing Femininity
As a younger sister, I rolled with the boys growing up. Riding bikes, playing with insects, running amok around the estate exploring every nook and cranny – I guess I was a tomboy (although as a youngin I was incognizant to preconceived notions of gender). As a young adult, I’m competitive and opinionated. I “dude” and “bro” all my friends. I have a potty mouth. Sneakers and jeans are my go to out of preference for comfort and functionality but I do on the occasion bust out a skirt or dress. And if sexual orientation matters, I’m as straight as my hair. I identify myself as female. Nothing more, nothing less.
Yet, my femininity has continually been cross-questioned. From guys expressing surprise at my strength, carelessly commenting how I’m strong like a dude to girl friends reacting to my wearing of a skirt and makeup as aberrant behaviour, these interactions were revealing to me that I was failing to perform my gender and convince them of my femininity. My characteristics were inconsistent with conventional standards. Feminine women don’t swear. They don’t speak their mind, challenge the opinions of men and aren’t aggressive in competition. They are well mannered, subdued, deferential and expected to be a beauty with no brawns.
For the longest time, I internalized these gender norms being subliminally communicated to me through backhanded compliments and passing comments. Every time my femininity was discounted and dismissed, I felt like I was being snubbed. I felt wrong and that I needed to change my mannerisms to do a better job at being a female. I tried to tone down, be less assertive and forceful, switch up my style and avoided telling people I lifted weights in the gym just because it was a thing guys did. It actually saddens me to think how I had allowed myself to be convinced I was doing my gender all wrong, when in reality, it was people who were wrong in their perception of me.
Only as I enter my twenties have I began to ignore my gender critics. There is nothing archetypical about femininity. It is defined by the individual and modelled in her specific image. I can’t say for certain how I have reached this point of self-empowerment but if I had to hazard a guess, the increased salience of gender stereotypes and reading up on the discourse surrounding gender issues have definitely helped me understand how deeply entrenched it is in our society. It is so profoundly programmed in us that I hold no animosity towards the people who have discounted my femininity because I believe they have done so unconsciously. In order to discard our preconceived notions of gender and rewrite the gender script, we need to actively unlearn the gender norms which are being culturally and socially propagated.
