Stop running as if you have endless time
We rarely think about what everything is for.
To get up, to get ready, to cook, to drop off and pick up the kids, to tackle tasks, to grocery shop over and over, to keep up, to be tired, to collapse in exhaustion…
… in anticipation of an hour of peace in the quiet of night that will be spent, at best, on a new series.
“That’s how everyone lives,” — my mum will say. I don’t want to.
I need a meaning, I can’t work just for the money, promoting slot machines or contributing to cigarette factory sales. Wish to have a constructive meaning.
But looking back, I realize that hardly moved towards it, even though I was always busy.
I’m 5. I’m obsessed with white socks, I’m constantly drawing, modeling, and mumbling stories to myself. The highlight of my week is when dad arrives. I always wait for him with a watch in hand. He’s about to come in and we’re going for a drive. We don’t have to go for a ride, we don’t have to go on a merry-go-round, we don’t have to have candyfloss. I just want to jump back into his arms. Until next week making myself busy before the day he comes.
I’m 12. I’m a perfect student, top of class. I move from lessons to tutors and back home to complete my tasks. I’d come in and sit at desk without taking off my uniform or eating lunch. Correcting grades until tears, so that everywhere there was the highest score. A perfect certificate and attendance, again and again until a new grade is complete.
I’m 17. I left my parents, acting as performed at school. But in a more sophisticated way: need not only to study but also to cook, manage money, starting to declare myself. I’m keep on working until have a new line or referee in my resume.
I’m 23. I’m part of a large company, exactly in the position named to my diploma supervisor, do a lot and grow. Get more tasks, more projects, and more nice figures and results. I travel much between my sites and always have my toothbrush just in case. I work to have my time to travel and travel to return to work.
I’m 28. I’m so tired that decided to dedicate a year to the baby. How naive. As now have even more tasks, more running, and almost no spare time. I wake up and want the day to quickly pass until wake up again. But something’s changed inside: have no wish to do all available or required and not ASAP, learning to refuse.
I’m 30. I’m starting my first company, launching a great ed-tech startup with client. We’re on a wave of drive and freedom. But I got into my running trap again as that was not my dream or goal.
I’m 34. Burned out. Quit hiring and all my projects, closed everything I could, stopped contacting with my friends. Started writing family stories collecting in a book, blogging and podcasting.
I worked so hard, I did a lot, I tried a lot. And all my projects were successful in their own way, but there was no me. I didn’t find what energized me, just the opposite, made my body sick.
I did so as I was busy
We think that action is something cool itself. Being busy, being in demand — this feeling so satisfying. Putting out content, fleshing out webinars, writing 100500 chat posts to engage as many people as you can — that’s being productive. But it’s ≠ efficient.
Doing a lot often means driving yourself into a deficit
I’m not saying it’s possible to reach desires just by standing around. But sometimes you need to stop to check in with your course. Where’s your 20% that’s going to get you 80%?
I didn’t find what is mine as didn’t think the true core thing — the pleasure of the process.
If you like what you are doing — do it. And that’s the only reason why you keep doing it. Because it will probably turn out that the purpose is the process, not the result.
If you want to write scripts for Netflix, don’t take copywriting orders or even look at SEO texts. Instead, write scripts, cut out the unnecessary.
Do little, do one thing, but do it for yourself, out of a state of abundance and for your pleasure.
The kids are asleep, I sit in bedroom, wrapped in plaid and tapping out these words, while tears falling on my keyboard and fingers.
I thank my path for thoughts, for choices, for realizations, for where I am here and now.
