The Climb
Rising out of Ashes
Is my foundation so fragile, that something something so insignificant as a storm is able to rattle me?
I am walking down a lonely road as I write this, and with great courage, I had chosen this road not taken. Against all secure options, I chose the uncertainty of my own volition because I had faith in myself. But everything around me is coming crashing down, falling into tiny pieces of hopelessness, there is nothing but chaos all around. But still, there’s a sense of newfound calmness inside my heart now, which I’ve arrived at, out of nowhere.
Maybe it is because I am done worrying, panicking, hurting, struggling, looking over my shoulder, and getting all worked up and insomnia no longer bothers me. I just want to be unthinking and just do my thing and quit fondling my ego.
Everyone tells me to give my best and leave the rest to fate, how can I? Everyone is doing that, doing their best, how do I know if I am going to be enough? I don’t think I will ever…like ever reach my best, it is never enough, there’s always…always something I could have done better or more. You can never truly give your best or your all, you can just give what you give. What if you give the very best you can and it is still not enough? What can you do when you’re good, but it is not good enough?
It hurts the string of your heart to see the sheer hard work and dedication you’ve put in over the years yielding nothing quantifiable or measurable by this forsaken world, you just want to have that crown. Don’t misconstrue me, it certainly all adds up; nothing ever goes to waste but you can’t win every battle, sometimes you’ve got to lose.
When you’re good and used to getting your way, you want to win all the battles along with the war, but you need to learn to accept defeat to truly embrace a win.
Why is such a small defeat bothering me so much that I am writing all of this because of it, can I not stomach one small setback? When did I give so much power to others to define my limits? Where is the persistence? If something so small of no significance is able to get under my skin, what next, eh? There’s a whole new world to be discovered out there.
I don’t know how or why, but I feel innately calm and my belief in myself is stronger than ever, maybe this is what I needed. At this point, come what may and I am ready for it. Why a stark change in your thought process, you ask me? Just a good realisation, that took its fair share of time.
Again, maybe this is me getting overly optimistic to persuade myself that it’s okay whatever or however it is, it is what it is. Even so, I like the place where I am in my life right now (not that I am gonna stay here), I feel like I am above everything.
As if I am in a ditch with no means to escape but I still know I am gonna come right back to the top. How, you ask me? Is just believing in yourself enough? I don’t know, but one thing I do know for sure, I know I will figure it out. If not get out of the ditch, I will make the ditch better than the ground out there. That sense of hope, where you have nothing to pin it to, not realistic at all, borderline ludicrous is what I have now and it is so empowering.
Hemingway rightly said A man can be destroyed but never defeated and I can today feel what he meant by it. It is all you in the end, just you and your mind.
I think this is what feeling detached feels like, to be truly detached you first need to be truly attached to something. I am free, of all consequences of my actions, I am no longer governed by results but just the actions. Do your duty, but do not concern yourself with the results. I knew this, and so does every five-year-old in India but to deduce it yourself is a different ball game altogether.
You have a right to perform your prescribed duties, but you are not entitled to the fruits of your actions. Never consider yourself to be the cause of the results of your activities, nor be attached to inaction.
- Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 2, Verse 47
A good friend of mine told me that you need to go through this phase; get rejected, dejected, fall on your face, fail and fail again, be miserable, and be desperate, it builds character. So yeah, I guess my character is building.
Whatever it may be, I am very grateful for all that’s happening, I am so glad. What is even the point of life if you do not have to strive for what you want, that is a life not lived at all.
That being said, whatever will be, will be.
Maktub.
