The Culture of Blame

Fear of being blamed promotes criticism

“Don’t you criticize me!”

“I won’t stand for it.”

There.

I’ve stood my ground. I’ve defended my territory. I’ve stood up for myself.

I’ve created a solid boundary.

Well, not so fast.

If — as I was — you’ve been subjected to heaps of regular and customary criticism, in anticipation of being lambasted, even excoriated you may secretly quail in your heart, not to mention quake in your boots.

Why?

Well, criticism hurts.

Make no bones about it.

“Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me!”

The tried-and-true schoolyard aphorism expresses the very opposite of emotional truth. Being ostracized, isolated, assailed, and belittled not only hurts, critical voices stay inside echoing loudly for decades after they’ve been delivered.

For the most part, bones heal.

Emotional wounds, less so.

Name calling — blame and criticism — only has little impact IF the culture in which I’m being raised predominantly breeds inclusion, acceptance, gentle receptivity, and comprehensive understanding. If I’m lucky enough to grow in this kind of emotionally supportive environment, I’ve generated voices inside me which suggest I’m okay — even great. Whatever transpires and however I’m treated, because I know I’m received by my family with support and solidarity, I receive myself the same way.

Criticism, then, does not ‘become’ me.

I rely on my trusted Love bonds — which even when I’m under threat, do not become jeopardized. I know attacks stand as unusual, aberrant — even outrageous. Critical voices directed at me do not consume me.

“Flowers are Red”, an exquisite, little known song by Harry Chapin describes the consequences of criticism, telling the story of an imaginative child who after being repeatedly scolded for taking a uniquely creative approach, anticipates criticism forevermore — and so, shuts down. Imagination used in service of ‘pleasing others’ so as to conform, fit in, and avoid rebuke stands as imagination misspent. Photo by Senjuti Kundu on Unsplash.

I define myself through Love and functional support, rather than blame and dysfunctional criticism.

Because I’m filled with Loving mirroring, because I’ve been reflected as wonderful, because I’ve been recognized and understood — I don’t wander through life searching for validation or cues that I’m okay or people to provide the caring support I’ve never received.

I know I’m valuable. I’m connected. I don’t believe I have little worth, or that my sense of belonging stands in constant danger.

I live with a characteristic sense of safety, understanding how internally to support myself. I don’t live in fear that the next comment or reaction will devastate me.

As a result, attacks from others less important than my family — my receptive, welcoming, understanding, non-critical family — slide off my back.

However, if the opposite is true, if I’ve habitually been received with harshness, scorn, displeasure, disapproval, I have little reserve of good feeling to shore me up. If I’ve been frowned upon, found fault with, looked upon as flawed — with my flaws responded to as harbingers of my lack of value and my being un-deserving of receptive embrace — I don’t have inner voices to allay the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, nor the jibes and barbs of human discourse, nor especially, the disrespectful violations or cruel condemnations others might throw in my direction or heap upon me.

Because I’ve been responded to with divisive criticism, rather than inclusive curiosity (inclusive curiosity generates a sense that I’m worthy of contribution, attention, and connection — that I’m important, not to mention cherished, valuable, treasured), I’ve not been afforded the chance to develop.

I haven’t been blessed with the chance to learn how to process rejection or integrate rebuff. I don’t know how to deal with less than positive feedback.

I know I don’t like it.

Yet, I expect it.

And while I may have a lifetime of anticipating feeling unsafe and being put down, I don’t have almost any experience in knowing how to offset this kind of continual condemnation — certainly not how to ‘be with it’ in ways which afford me succor, support, and sustenance.

Oops! Now What? How do I deal with torrents of criticism? Even sporadic criticism can leave a mark. Photo by Jelleke Vanooteghem on Unsplash.

Nor, when feeling disrespected and put down, how to respond with authentic and overarching self-support. Nor, when subjected to blaming interactions which foment less than stellar reflections, how to Love myself.

Relentless criticism appears to lie around every corner. I fear my next interaction. And the one after that.

Underneath, I have secret feelings not only that I deserve to be criticized, but that criticism of me stands as valid.

Having no tool kit to rely on when blame comes my way makes me yet more afraid of being taken to task. I focus on getting through without ‘being attacked’, or on ensuring I’m armed and ready to transfer blame at the drop of a hat.

It becomes a vicious cycle.

The less I can deal with being criticized, the more hypervigilant I become.

The more endangered I feel by blame, the more I brace against it.

Yet, bracing against blame serves me poorly. Bracing against criticism reinforces my continual expectation that I’ll be scolded. Bracing against blame and criticism also encourages me to perceive blame and criticism when blame and criticism may neither be present, nor forthcoming.

In a fascinating way, sensitivity and aversion to being criticized motivate super quick judgements. These flash reactions not only cause me to turn off, turn away, and shut down, they also point me toward condemning others for disparaging me. When I blame you for disrespecting me and impugning my worth, I may feel completely justified in blaming you — even, to the point of lashing out.

Hearing inner critical voices before they make themselves known may not only discourage me from participating, but may also cause me to diminish myself and anticipate being disrespected, not to mention predispose me to growl and bark. Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash.

As mentioned above, I may not yet possess the internal building blocks to anticipate receptive welcome (except in my defensive fantasies), or to think about myself in any other way than to expect to be criticized. And I may be so used to subtle derision, I may not yet be able to tolerate anything else. I acclimate to what’s familiar. And I equate accustomed response with Love.

In other words, I’ve developed a conglomeration of counterintuitive beliefs. I may orient around avoiding other people’s criticism — attempting to prevent what I have no way of preventing.

Still, underneath it all, I know I can’t control other people.

Besides, I feel I deserve nothing else. My futile protests reveal my perceived helplessness. If I authentically expected better treatment, my energy would convey so. People would get the message. As it is, in response to my own anticipation, I’m almost encouraging others to regard me through a lens of insignificance — ‘anti virtue signaling,’ as it were — identifying myself for criticism and calling attention to myself in the only reliable way I currently know.

More importantly, until I embrace my own inclination for feeling ‘put down’ and perceiving people as almost constantly critical, I have no way out.

Anticipated criticism imprisons us in a cycle of scolding and rebuke, provoking continually defensive response. Shakespeare receives credit for this pithy axiom, which I’ve slightly altered. In fact, it seems this sentiment was penned by Michael Meade, a Jungian analyst, in his book, Awakening the Soul. Even Michael originally attributes his words to Shakespeare. Yet, an exhaustive search by Trevor Simpson reveals no such sentence in Shakespeare’s oeuvre. Image by Author

So that I recreate a sense of solid belonging, I may also purposefully put myself in position to be criticized. Essentially, criticism stands as the most familiar and strangely comforting response pattern I know.

After all, my caregivers have relied on criticism as their habitual and routine ‘relating mechanism.’ / ‘bonding pattern.’

Because blame has been modeled and mirrored so pervasively, I use this unfortunate dynamic to relate with — even to Love — other people. Yet in an ironic twist, my critical stance toward others encourages others’ critical stances toward me.

I’m not the only one who relates and responds through mirroring.

Moreover, I may also desire disapproval. As my way of cultivating family loyalty and allegiance — of supporting the established behaviors and habitual patterns of my caregivers (whose wellbeing and authority I rely on) — I may generously offer myself as a target.

We’ve all heard the admonition that nobody can put us down but ourselves.

Cultivating resources to generate inner conviction and positive self regard stands not only as crucial for achieving dreams, but also serves as an important life intention. Image by Author

And while to some extent this is true, it’s much too simplistic a construct. Yes, if someone shouts,

“Hey, Asshole!”

…and I turn around, even before these words hit the airwaves I may be complicit in believing I’m a culprit. [㊨ ➛ See my article, “No Culprits Allowed. For, No Culprits Exist.”]

Yet, believing myself a culprit has many advantages. Predominant among these:

⫸ ✪Empowering me to buy into, believe in, and sustain faith in my family;

⫸ ✪Enabling me to dream of a time when I’m no longer so bad that caring dynamics may come my way;

⫸ ✪Believing my family system defines and stands for universal principles of Love;

⫸ ✪Reinforcing ‘our’ ways as wonderful ways because, well, they’re ‘ours.’

Finally, as a result of having been continually deflected, subtly belittled, even directly put down, I hold the belief that I have been particularly ‘wronged.’ I don’t view myself as ‘critical’ at all. I see myself as a champion in the fight against criticism.

When people recoil from me, or object to my ‘critical nature,’ I respond,

“Stop blaming me for your issue! You’re critical. I’m not.”

Many years ago, in the New Yorker Magazine, I noted a compelling cartoon. Two people sat at a lunch counter, one querying the other…

“Why are we critical people always being criticized?”

I trust now you may have deeper perspective as to the elements involved in formulating a discerning answer.

㊨ ➛ See my related article, “No Culprits Allowed. For, No Culprits Exist.”

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