The Dark Side of Gratitude (That No One Talks About)
The trap of obligation
Gratitude becomes your prison.
Now, before you jump onto the arguments against it. Ask yourself:
How often have you rejected your real feelings to feel grateful for what you have?
How often have you justified bad behaviour with the ‘nice’ qualities of a friend/partner?
How often do you brush off workplace struggles reminding yourself that at least you have a job?
More than you can count, right?
Don’t get me wrong. While there are many blessings in life to be grateful for, they must not be used as a bandaid.
Without caution, your gratitude-seeking behaviour forces you to compromise your needs and boundaries. And you end up settling for an unfulfilling life.
As Professor Alex Wood mentions:
Gratitude must be regarded with caution when we are in objectively bad situations, especially when in abusive relationships.
Those who argue about gratitude as a magic pill to unlock joy forget to mention:
- It’s easy to misuse gratitude and become trapped in a situation.
- The emotional damage is huge.
- The fixation with counting your blessings blinds you to reality.
For years, I was stuck in unhealthy relationships and situations. Throughout, I told myself to feel grateful because others have it worse.
Guess, where it landed me?
The rock bottom with a tonne of self-doubt and severed self-esteem.
So, today, I’ll tell you about the dark side of gratitude that no one talks about.
Makes you stay in toxic situations
Under the mask of being thankful, gratitude hides the reality of the circumstances.
Sometimes, I feel obligated to see the better aspects of life even when I am miserable. It is exhausting. Fighting against my real emotions makes me resentful. I don’t even realise that the anger is coming from justifying an uncomfortable situation.
You may relate to similar experiences in your journey.
Despite facing constant stress, mistreatment, or even harassment, you hesitate to leave. It’s as if you are making an excuse for everything. A dysfunctional workplace. A toxic friendship. Or an unacceptable behaviour of a family member.
Instead of empowering you, gratitude convinces you to overlook these deal-breakers. You resign yourself to enduring the toxicity day after day.
And the advice sucks. Find the good in every situation, and you’ll notice it isn’t as bad.
Are you sick of this advice? I am.
Feels like you’re making a big deal out of nothing
There are days when I doubt if I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Whenever I have to stand up for my boundaries or communicate my needs, my inner critic asks me not to make a fuss about minor inconveniences.
The trouble is gratitude undermines the importance of valid concerns. It blurs the line between genuine appreciation and complacent acceptance. So, you ignore the red flags while focusing on the bright side.
The danger lies in the normalisation of discomfort.
I’ve learned it’s best to listen to your gut feeling.
Make a big deal about things that matter to you. Understand that gratitude should never come at the cost of your well-being and self-respect. It must empower you to speak for your rights, even in tough situations. It’s why I left my last workplace.
It gets used against you
In the wrong hands, gratitude gets used to manipulate you.
When employed with coercion, it becomes a tool to exert power and influence. Especially in interpersonal relationships, people use it to send you on a guilt trip.
A friend may pose it as a moral obligation — “Do you remember how much I have done for you?”.
Or a parent tells you, — “I raised you, provided for you. And this is how you repay me?”
It even takes the form of emotional blackmail. “If you cared about me, you’d do this for me.” And you find yourself trapped, feeling powerless and invalidated.
What I’ve learned
Just because you feel grateful for the support someone has given you, you don’t owe them blind obedience.
People shouldn’t use it as a leash to control you. Genuine support and kindness come without strings attached.
The solution to this problem is setting clear boundaries. Assert your individuality in relationships. Even under the pressure of guilt-tripping, speak up for your needs.
Gratitude is about reciprocity and not obligation.
Feels like something’s wrong with you
The dark side of forcing gratitude is low self-worth.
You second-guess your experiences, convinced that you should be grateful for what you have. When you don’t feel thankful even after forcing it, you start believing that something’s wrong with you.
But, the reality is: there is nothing wrong with you for speaking your truth.
Voice your discontent. It doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate others. It means you respect yourself to ask for what you need.
Challenge the mindset that expressing dissatisfaction is selfish. Reclaim your agency by acknowledging that your instincts and feelings are valid.
Self-expression and authenticity empower you to live a happier and more fulfilling life.
No one wants to hear this
Practising gratitude without the guilt of talking about your concerns is tough.
It isn’t impossible, but it’s tough.
It takes strength to challenge the pressure to be silent. And it won’t happen overnight.
And that’s okay.
Starting to respect your genuine feelings will make it happen.
Just because it takes time and courage to strike a balance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Your happiness and well-being are worth fighting for.
So, take that first step, and free yourself from the trap of gratitude. And remember to be kind to yourself along the way. It’s a journey, take it one courage at a time.
Final thought
While gratitude boosts appreciation for life, it should never come at the expense of your authenticity.
Compromising your needs under stress is not sustainable in the long run. It is your responsibility to respect your true emotions. Better to confront your feelings head-on right now rather than masking it.
So, dare to challenge the pressure to be thankful always. Figure out situations in your life that need change. And then, make efforts to change them.
You’ve got this!
