The huge wall I built around me!
How I Self-Sabotaged by Limiting Myself.
I happened to read this article by Alem Mathers and got inspired by his revelation about the importance of telling the truth and not hiding behind a facade, highlighting how genuine self-expression can lead to deeper connections and meaningful impact.
This resonated with me deeply, as I recently have come to realize that the walls we build around ourselves often stem from our own judgments and how we perceive criticism.
I started to build a wall of “critical society” at a very young age, and I kept raising it higher at each phase of my life. Whenever someone commented on me or my actions, I immediately adjusted to meet their expectations. Most of the time, I stressed hard to do so without processing their feedback. I allowed these critics to shape my behavior, character, and self-perception, essentially letting society dictate my life.
What you are about to read is the result of a reverse application of a realization I had much later in life.
The result? I realized that society did not build the wall around me; it was me, just me, who was constantly and persistently building it. I built it not because of external circumstances but due to internalized negative beliefs that undermined my self-confidence and hindered my personal growth. I self-sabotaged by constructing this wall, building it out of fears, insecurities, and misinterpretations of social feedback. This ultimately limited my potential.
We all have opinions about everything we see, hear, smell, touch, and taste. This is innate because, as humans, we learn, experience, and understand the world through our senses. But how do these judgments shape our interactions and self-perceptions?
The human mind is inherently designed to form opinions and judgments based on:
(i) Cognitive biases, which are patterns that guide and influence our perceptions, also shape our interactions.
(ii) Learning and adaptation, which are essential for navigating our environment.This process allows us to interpret and respond to the constant flow of information we encounter.
Forming opinions and communicating it is neither perfect nor imperfect; it’s just nature!
The missing link in my communication
I never hesitated to be clear and explicit about my thoughts, and that was not the real issue. What I failed to do was empathize and be compassionate before sharing my opinion.
I was being explicit without considering the feelings and perspectives of others. I often focused on being right rather than being kind. I overlooked the importance of connecting with people on a human level.
I learned that being open-minded and compassionate allowed for a more meaningful exchange of ideas and experiences. By taking the time to understand others’ emotions and motivations, I could express my thoughts in a way that resonated more deeply and positively impacted those around me.
Empathy and compassion are key factors of high emotional intelligence. So, how can they transform our communication and relationships? They enable us to connect with others on a deeper level and effectively communicate and collaborate by recognizing and respecting their perspectives.
(i) Empathy transforms communication from transactional exchanges to meaningful interactions
(ii) It creates understanding so the individuals feel valued and understood
(iii) It enhances relationships by leading to more productive and harmonious connections
From Criticism to Constructive Feedback
This shift in mindset transformed my interactions, leading to more genuine connections and collaborative relationships.
I learned to hold my opinions until I fully understood the situation and began approaching conversations with empathy and compassion. Instead of pointing out mistakes, I began communicating by sharing my experiences and learnings in a relevant context.
For example, instead of saying, “You should not have spent money on this marketing campaign. It’s a waste of money,” I would say, “I experienced a failure with one of my marketing campaigns because I didn’t do enough market analysis before investing in it. You should consider it.”
Constructive feedback, when combined with learning and experience, serves as a powerful tool for personal and professional development. It involves more than just offering criticism; it requires a thoughtful approach that considers the recipient’s feelings and motivations.
By focusing on behavior rather than character and providing actionable insights, we empower others to grow and succeed. Framing feedback within a growth context inspires positive change and fosters development.
From Judgmental to Nonjudgmental mindset
More importantly, I’ve learned not to judge things around me as simply right or wrong, or good or bad. Instead of making snap judgements, I reflect on the context and nuances. This approach helped me gain a more comprehensive perspective. It allowed me embrace the diversity of experiences and viewpoints.
I started to consider whether something is acceptable / agreeable or non-acceptable / non-agreeable by explaining my reasons based on experience. This perspective shift helped me communicate effectively, encouraging open dialogue and mutual respect. It enriched my interactions, helping me build stronger relationships and find common ground in challenging situations.
Nonviolent Communication encourages us to stop using judgmental language and to focus on understanding and empathy instead. By paying attention to people’s needs instead of labeling them, we create genuine connections and solve problems more effectively. Using judgmental words can block understanding and lead to conflicts and division. When we take a nonjudgmental approach, we become more open-minded and create an atmosphere of respect and teamwork.
The wall just disappeared
Through this journey of self-reflection, I transformed from being judgmental to nonjudgmental, allowing me to reverse my perspective and see how I viewed the society around me. I realized I had built the wall around myself through my own perceptions, judgments, and fears.
By adopting a mindset focused on empathy, understanding, and nonjudgmental communication, I was able to process criticism constructively. Instead of seeing criticism as a threat, I learned to view it as an opportunity for growth and connection.
The moment I started doing this, that huge wall I built around me just vanished!
I now navigate life with the awareness that true strength lies in vulnerability. As I embraced empathy and open-mindedness, I discovered the power of genuine self-expression and the importance of engaging with the world from a place of compassion. It lead me to have deeper connections and more meaningful relationships. I started to fully embrace the richness of human experience.
Hey, btw,
If by any chance found my writing useful in any way, consider buying me a coffee.
