The Key To A Happy Relationship Is Mastering Your Negative Thoughts

Learn to listen to them to avoid disaster

Photo by Josh Willink from Pexels

The other day I’ve seen a movie starring Johnny Depp. In it, he plays an English literature professor Richard who’s just been told he has 6 months to live.

We follow him as he copes with his impending death, disregarding social norms, ignoring people’s feelings, and playing pretty much captain Jack in a tweed suit.

In one scene, he talks with his teenage lesbian daughter. It’s what she asks Richard — and his answer — that forms our following discussion:

Daughter: “Why are you and the mom still together?”

Richard: *wry chuckle* “Yeah… I think as you get older, you find yourself needing someone to hold accountable for life not turning out exactly as you imagined…”

Daughter: “Jesus.”

Yeah, “Jesus” right about covers it.

Hearing Richard’s answer made me ponder. Despite being utterly and completely happy with my girlfriend (she’s probably reading this article), the thought has sometimes occurred to me that I would’ve been further in life — personal development-wise, finance-wise, friendship-wise — had I not been in the relationship.

This thought was fleeting, like the flap of a hummingbird, but it was there, lodged in my skull. And it reemerged with astonishing regularity when I experienced failure, rejection, or existential depression.

In that negative state, my mind latched onto that thought for comfort; it concocted its own version of “there there, it’s not your fault” by putting the blame on my girlfriend:

• Failure: Of course, I failed that test. With such a high maintenance girlfriend, it’s no wonder.
• Rejection: A different girlfriend would surely not reject my sexual advances…
• Existential depression: Life doesn’t make any fucking sense. But maybe it’s because I’m not with the right person…

I never consciously put any credence to these thoughts. I love my girlfriend and hope we’ll spend our lives together (she’s still behind my shoulder). But what Richard said resurfaced the negative thoughts that I sometimes have, the thoughts that I deemed as normal and innocuous. But what if, decades in the future, I hold my girlfriend responsible for my failures because I let these negative thoughts proliferate in my headspace? Where we live in a bitter marriage full of resentment and disrespect?

I let the idea percolate in my mind.

Here’s what I came up with.

The mind is quick to judge. The judgment usually follows a homeostatic pattern: your mind strives for balance. When something disrupts the balance, the mind will look for ways to it back.

Let’s attempt a workout analogy:

1. External stressor (20kg dumbbell) acts on your body.
2. Your body reacts by building muscle mass.
3. You no longer have a problem lifting 20kg dumbbells.

The disruption of physical balance (workout) is restored (gaining muscle).

Now for the mind:

1. External stressor (failure, rejection, or depressive mood) acts on your mind.
2. The mind reacts by assigning blame and absolving itself of responsibility. Thoughts crop up which, over time, coalesce into patterns of thought and beliefs — a mental muscle mass of sorts.
3. You no longer have a problem dealing with negative experiences — you have someone else to blame.

The disruption of mental balance (failure) is restored (blaming someone else).

The problem isn’t when you do it once or twice. The problem is when you form beliefs around blaming your girlfriend.

Why is it a problem? Because beliefs are the lens through which you interpret the world and act in it.

For example, higher self-efficacy — a belief you’re able to do whatever you set out to do — translates into health-promoting behaviors such as eating well and exercising.

Or take altruism. If you believe to be a good person, you’ll behave pro-socially.

But it’s not all well and jolly; On the opposite side of the spectrum, we have alcoholism. If you believe you won’t make it through the recovery, you’re more likely to relapse.

In aggregate, beliefs affect your behavior through self-fulfilling prophecy — whatever you believe tends to happen, because you’ll adapt your behavior to make it so. And beliefs are made of repeating thoughts that coalesce and calcify over time.

In the past, I let the thoughts slide. But maybe I too was inadvertently building a belief system centered on blame, a belief system that helps me overcome negative emotions now, but that might, in the long run, undermine my relationship.

If you’ve recognized yourself in the above paragraphs, welcome to the club.

So, what can we do?

Seeing as I write this post prospectively, not retrospectively, I cannot give you “lessons learned”. What I can give you are two sensible options. And one not so sensible option that Richard — and many other people — choose.

Now bear in mind, I’m no relationship coach. This is just my thinking.

1. You change whatever you’re doing immediately and don’t let the thoughts grow into resentment.
2. Clean break. If you think there are some fundamental differences, it’s probably better to swallow the fear, anxiety, and uncertainty that go hand in hand with a breakup, and tear the bandaid off now rather than 30 years later, wishing you had done so sooner.
3. You notice your thoughts and actions and continue the relationship anyway, Richard-style.

Let’s dissect each.

Option 1 — Go Down The Rabbit Hole

The first option assumes you want to continue the relationship. If that’s the case, there’s work to do. You must confront your thoughts and ask yourself why are they plaguing you.

If I go down that rabbit hole I often notice the thoughts aren’t related to my girlfriend at all. They are just personified by her. They are thoughts of rejection, failure, and existential dread that my mind attributed to my girlfriend because she’s a concrete person I can get angry at and put blame on, not an abstract thought. In other words, I project.

Disclaimer: what you might find on the way can surprise you. Like peeling an onion, with each layer come more and more tears. All the blame you off-loaded onto your partner will be laid bare for you to see. And it’s not something all people can bear (hence the projection).

What helps me to quantify my thoughts is journaling. One especially helpful technique is 5 why’s. You start with the problem: ‘why am I blaming my girlfriend right now?’ and continue all the way down to the root of the issue.

In the end, you should have something that’s more nuanced than “because she’s stupid” (I love you, honey!).

Option 2 — Ripping-Off The Bandaid

If you’ve been plagued by the negative thoughts for a long time, it’s probably time to face the facts. Something is not working out. And if you aren’t willing to work it out (see above), the next best option is a clean break.

Clean break means a lot of pain now, sure, but it also means a chance to meet someone who fits the person-shaped hole next to you better. It also means that your relationship won’t devolve into a puddle of shit over time.

I honestly can’t fathom all the complexities of your relationship so I won’t delve into the “how-to” part (also because I don’t want to). What’s enough for me is that you consider the option.

Option 3 — The Richard

Sandwiched between option 1 and 2 is the third option — doing neither. I might have gotten the linearity of the numbers wrong, but you catch my point.

The reason many people opt for it isn’t usually the lack of awareness — we’re good at noticing when things are off. Rather, it’s the fear of the unknown and of uncertainty; It’s all the trouble associated with breaking up; It’s the innate preference for inertia rather than action that holds many people in dead-end relationships.

The ‘Richard’ option is there for those who can’t really commit to anything. And it makes everyone worse off.

To avoid pulling ‘the Richard’ you must do the uncomfortable — break the Status Quo of your relationship. This means either going down the rabbit hole (option 1) or a clean break (option 2).

Remember, signs of omission are just as, or maybe even more pernicious than those of commission.

At the end of the movie, Richard talks with his wife. Through his impending death, they realize their differences are smaller than their commonalities and shared experiences. It’s a Hollywood happy ending with a tear running down their cheeks as they longingly stare into each other's eyes.

But that’s only because one of them, Richard, stepped off their high horse and humbled himself. He owned up to his bullshit. He analyzed his thoughts and beliefs and came to the conclusion that he was full of shit. That allowed his wife to do the same.

I believe we’ve dissected Richard’s life enough. It’s time you turn to yours.

All You Need to Know

1. Be aware of what thoughts you let percolate in your mind. They might turn into beliefs that will shape your reality.
2. Either go down the rabbit hole and identify why you might be blaming your partner. The technique of 5 why’s will help you to do that. Or consider a clean break.
3. Don’t choose option 3 because it’s the easiest now. Your future self will hate you for not being decisive enough.

Thank you for reading.