The Koi

A poem on pushing someone away by letting them know you want them to stay

S.P Sacker


Koi fish in a pond
Photo by Alejandro Aro on Unsplash

I held him because I wanted to know that he was with me
At that moment,
In that second,
In that instant.
I wanted to feel that he was there- and not just some figment of my imagination-
Not just some shining figure of fool's gold conjured by an isolated soul.

I wanted to know that he was really there-
That there was really a person with whom I felt okay around-
That there was really someone who didn’t
Hate me,
Loathe me,
Detest me.
I thought there was really someone who didn’t;

What a fool.

I held him because I wanted to show him that I didn’t want to lose him;

And then I lost him.

He slipped away like a glistening koi,
As though all I had been holding was a fishbowl,
And I had been looking in at it so intently
That I thought it might actually see me.
I thought he could see me.
Now I sit, holding the empty fishbowl
And ponder my reflection;

I am just as empty.

I can’t help but feel betrayed by the fish I fed my soul.

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