The List of Trustworthy People
How many do you have?
How many of you have someone that you can rely on completely in your life?
Once I asked one of my ex bf if he could tell me 3 people’s names that he could trust with his life at any time. He gave me three names. I know 2 of them. I met and talked to them. I didn’t feel like they were that close to being on the list, but they were.
Maybe they were, but I couldn’t evaluate that because I don’t know them personally just met once or twice. Or maybe I wasn’t even at the bottom of the list made me feel like I was better than them and I should have been on the list. Am I that untrustworthy?
If he asked me my list of 3 people I would have put him on the first one and tbh I didn’t even have other 2 people.
He would have been the only one who I would have trusted with my life, soul, body, money, everything. I don’t know why I used the future tense. Because I already did. If I didn’t then I wouldn’t have been in the relationship with him, days after days, Months after months….
I cared for him. intensively. But it wasn’t enough to be on the list of being relied on. Maybe that’s why we are no longer together. Although I broke up with him that’s not because I wasn’t on the list. It was a whole different story.
If I am really honest then I must say it was kind of a relief to not be on the list because that’s a whole different level of responsibility.
You can trust someone and they can break it. You get hurt then you move on, Or not. But at least you can blame them in your entire life for not being there for you. For putting you in that situation even though they didn’t put you in the situation at least they didn’t take any action to save you which you thought they would.
Blaming someone is the easiest thing to do.
But if you are the special one who someone relies on like that then you have to be 24/7 alert and ready to save them from their situation. It’s a big, very big responsibility. It’s easy to be on the list but not easy to stay on the list for a very very long time.
Human life is not short, actually it’s longer than we think it is. Ask someone about it who is not happy and extremely miserable and depressed in their life. So it’s hard to be there all the time at any given moment with all you have. And if you can’t do that, could you forgive yourself? I couldn’t.
I would rather be disappointed in someone than be the one who people are disappointed in.
Now after all these years, I still have no one who has a list of 3 people and I am one of them. And I don’t have anyone on my list either.
But it seems the older you get that list decreases. I am sure if you asked me how many people I have on the list when I was younger say 10/15 /18 years old, I would have said at least 10 people’s names who I really trusted. On that list, there was my mother, father, sister, all my friends, some good neighbors, relatives, cousin, our housekeeper, my pets, teachers, the stranger I met on the street so on…
But now it’s zero! And I am not even 30 yet! Does this mean I have been betrayed by so many people that I don’t trust anyone anymore with even one cent? That’s alarming! Or I am the one to be blamed for growing trust issues throughout the years for no apparent reason?
