The Myth of Deserving
Do we really deserve anything?
When my daughter finally started sleeping through the night, I started chilling with Netflix and eating something indulgent almost every night.
After being on my toes all day, nighttime was “my time”. It was peaceful and quiet and I told myself — I deserved to eat junk and chill every night because I had worked so hard during the day.
Somebody gets a promotion and people will say — Congratulations, you deserve it!
You worked out? Head over to get some ice cream — You deserve it!
You work hard and save a lot of money to finally buy that fancy car — because you deserve it!
Deserving gives us permission for indulgence and a rationale for the privilege. It just helps us feel better about the choices we are making.
To deserve is to be worthy of something. So if you worked hard, you deserve success/happiness/growth and all the other good stuff?
How did we get this notion of “deserve” into our heads?
I think it comes from things we have been told, things we believe in, and spread along the way. Things like — “good things happen to good people” and “as you sow, so shall you reap”.
These are just some of the many tactics we use to inspire hard work and productivity, morality, and generosity — the traits that society needs us to adopt to be successful.
To be clear, I am not saying these are 100% wrong and that hard work has no value.
But these things lead us to believe that if we work hard — we deserve success; the next holiday; or the deep tissue massage after a long week.
And what about those who did not get a promotion — are we saying they did not deserve it? What about those who work equally hard as you, but don’t have enough money to buy a car — do they not deserve it?
Equally intriguing are people on the other side of this “deserve” equation (including myself). People who think they can’t buy good things for themselves because they don’t deserve it.
They probably have a notion that they have not worked hard enough to deserve that something. Who has even built this yardstick of how much is enough?
Are we using the deserving philosophy as a cover to hide our narcissism? Are we using ‘deserve’ as something to cheerlead us? Something to justify our wants and desires?
And what if something bad happens?
What if someone is really struggling to make ends meet? Or do not get the promotion they have been eyeing for years? What did they do to deserve that? Are they bad/lazy people who have done something wrong?
What if someone has a road accident? Or a terminal illness? How can anyone deserve stuff like that? What does the ‘deserve’ philosophy say then?
Of course, nobody deserves that. But we have often seen people question — what they have done to deserve that situation in their life.
Because most religions tell us that people have to pay for their deeds, if not of this lifetime, of previous lifetimes. So if somebody faces a difficult situation in life, is it because they somehow deserve it?
Deserving can become a way to get off the hook of compassion. of turning a blind eye toward those who are suffering. It can become an explanation for things not going our way.
If we stop believing in the myth of ‘deserving’ — we might have to accept that we are just fulfilling our wants and desires and indulging ourselves in the name of ‘deserving’.
Sometimes we just want to fly. To experience a luxurious life. To have big houses and fancy cars — and in order to not appear selfish and self-serving, we tell ourselves — we deserve this.
Maybe, it is time to see things without the lens of deserve.
So if next time, you want to have an ice cream after your workout, have it because it’s nice ice cream — and not because you deserve it.
Or get a massage, because you want one — not because you have worked hard through the week.
Or buy the house, travel, and enjoy your life — because you want to do it. Not because you deserve it.
