The New Religion: Trumpianity
Old tweets are our Holy Scriptures
Do you know our Lord and Savior, Donald Trump?
I used to be Christian, until I actually read part of the New Testament. Jesus? Turns out he was a Jewish socialist, basically.
I know, I had no idea, either. I signed up to teach a Sunday School class and started looking through the Bible for stuff about guns. I was wondering what kinds of guns Jesus used to deal with the Romans. I was thinking probably an AK-47, but I wouldn’t have been surprised if he went with an AR-15, either.
You’re not going to believe this, but Jesus didn’t seem to carry at all. Not open carry, not concealed carry. He never even mentioned guns!
Jesus Christ! And they call that gunless guy a Christian?
I couldn’t find him condemning abortion either. Although I’d never read it, I just assumed the Sermon on the Mount was all about abortion. Turns out, it’s not.
And then I found out Jesus was a tax-and-spend Democrat! He had no problem with welfare and taxes!
He said to render to Caesar what was Caesar’s, without even mentioning that Caesar always tried to render too much. Widows and orphans? Instead of telling them to get a job, Jesus said we should support those mooches.
I was shocked to my core, I tell you.
But then I realized … I’m really a follower of Trumpianity. It satisfies my spiritual hunger for the sanctification of guns, embryos, money and porn stars.
Now, I’m an enthusiastic convert. I traded my little fish bumper sticker for a MAGA one. I started wearing my red hat everywhere so my brothers in Trump and I could recognize each other.
I read Trump’s old tweets (they’re all here) every morning as a devotional, and then at night before bed, I recite my prayer:
Our Trump, who art in Mar-A-Lago, hallowed be thy name.
Thy presidency come, thy will be done.
In blue states as it is in red states.
Give us this day our daily steak with…