Rethinking “Negative” Emotions
The Power of Curiosity
One of the most frequent roadblocks I see in people is a fear of truly facing their emotions. Your emotions aren’t your enemy; they’re your allies. Being afraid of them is one of the ways we unknowingly hold ourselves back from a richer, more fulfilling life.
Your Emotions Are Like Your Body’s Text Messages
Imagine this: You’re playing basketball, and suddenly you feel a sharp pain in your ankle. Ouch! That pain is your body’s way of saying, “Hey, something’s wrong here! You need to stop and take care of me.” You wouldn’t keep playing and ignore the pain, right? You’d probably sit down, check your ankle, and maybe even get some ice. The pain is a signal that your body needs attention. If you had a headache and had to figure out what you need, your action might be to get some rest, drink some water, take some medication or see a doctor.
Well, your emotions work the same way. Emotions are messengers, your body’s own built-in communication system, designed to give you invaluable insights into your deepest needs. When you feel lonely, anxious, or sad, it’s like your heart is sending you a text message. It’s saying, “Hey, I need something! Pay attention!” Just like you wouldn’t ignore a hurting ankle, you shouldn’t ignore these feelings. They’re signals that something inside you needs to be looked at and taken care of.
The Basic Emotional Needs
There are some basic emotional needs that are universal to all of us. These are the building blocks of our emotional well-being and include needs like love, connection, security, autonomy, and purpose. When these needs are met, we experience emotions that we often label as “positive,” such as joy, contentment, and peace. When they’re not met, we feel what we usually call “negative” emotions like sadness, anger, or fear.
We often label emotions as “negative” or “positive,” but what if we shift our perspective a bit? What if, instead of calling them “negative,” we refer to them as “uncomfortable” emotions? You see, labeling an emotion as negative gives it a sort of power over us, as if it’s something bad that we need to push away or avoid. But these uncomfortable emotions are not bad; they’re just messengers with a different type of message.
Instead of pushing these uncomfortable emotions away, what if we get curious about them? Curiosity allows us to engage with the emotion, to unpack the message it carries. It’s like saying, “Okay, I’m feeling really anxious right now. That’s uncomfortable, but it’s not bad. What is this anxiety trying to tell me? Do I need more security or stability right now?” By approaching your emotions with curiosity, you turn them into opportunities for deeper self-understanding and growth.
The Emotional Messenger System
Imagine your emotions as messengers, each carrying a special letter addressed to you. These letters aren’t written in words but in feelings. When you experience an emotion, it’s as if one of these messengers has arrived at your doorstep, letter in hand, saying, “This is important. You need to read this.”
Now, you can choose to ignore the messenger, but doing so means missing out on vital information about yourself. On the other hand, if you take the time to “read the letter” by understanding the emotion, you unlock clues to what your inner self truly needs.
The Anatomy of an Emotional Message
Each emotional messenger carries specific information about your needs. For instance, if you’re feeling anxious, the message might be about your need for safety and security. If you’re feeling lonely, the message could be pointing to your need for connection and belonging.
The Importance of Listening
When these emotional messengers arrive, they demand your attention. Ignoring them is like refusing to pick up a call from someone who’s trying to tell you something crucial. The more you ignore these messengers, the louder they’ll knock on your door. They might even start yelling to get your attention, manifesting as heightened emotional states or even physical symptoms.
How to Engage with Your Messengers
1. Acknowledge: The first step is to acknowledge the emotion. Say to yourself, “I’m feeling [insert emotion].”
2. Pause and Reflect: Take a moment to sit with the emotion. What is it trying to tell you? Which need is calling out for your attention?
3. Act: Once you’ve identified the need, think of one small step you can take to address it. It could be as simple as calling a friend if you’re lonely or taking a few deep breaths if you’re anxious.
4. Thank the Messenger: After you’ve taken action, take a moment to thank your emotional messenger. This act of gratitude not only brings closure to the experience but also fosters a healthier relationship with your emotions.
5. Keep a Journal: This can help you track your emotions and look for patterns that can help you answer the questions about what your need is in the moment and perhaps what action you need to take.
Your emotions are not random or meaningless. They are messengers, each bearing important news about your inner world. Send me a message if you would like a list of feelings and needs to help you identify them.
If you’re seeking more balance in life, it’s not too late to participate in Exhausted to Energized and Empowered, my 5-week group coaching course. Check it out here.
Founder and CEO of STAR City Life Coaching, LLC. Mary is a writer, speaker, coach, and licensed trauma therapist with over 30 years of experience supporting women.
“I support women who are done with overthinking, overgiving, overworking, and overachieving at the expense of their health, relationships, and success.”
