The Problem with Telling Your Kids They’re Really Smart
A testimonial from a former so-called ‘bright’ student and ‘special’ kid.
Like many first-generation immigrants I had the idea of success engrained in my mind from a very young age. My two Nigerian parents had left behind what they knew to give us better opportunities. My father was the stereotypical ‘African’ father, who placed a lot of pressure on us from a young age to succeed. As the first-born daughter, this pressure was magnified.
My father and I’s relationship is truly something special, because he really thought I was special. My earliest memories of him and I, include us reading articles, watching videos and have in-depth intellectual conversation.
My dad had a habit of going to get Tim Hortons coffee every morning, and coming back home to begin his ‘quality content consumption spree’. One day he had invited me to his palace (the computer desk) to introduce me to the world-renowned — Mark Zuckerberg. We discussed his entire story — the most important detail being that he attended Harvard, and that I should too, but also the fact that whether I became a doctor or not, he wanted to raise a trailblazer — he wanted an academic celebrity.
"She’s a bright student”…
Growing up, my grades were never terrible but I truly disliked going to school. I had wavered around A’s and B’s my entire elementary school career. But, there was something about school that gave me intense boredom. Due to this, I placed little effort into my assignments, but to my surprise I would always be ‘above average’ and maintain good marks. Teachers, standardized testing, and family members continued to support my theory.
When I was in the fourth grade, my teacher began screening me secretly, she was assessing me to see if I was an “exceptional student”. I placed well, even though I wasn’t gifted, I was still pretty up there. My ego had shot through the roof.
“No child should have that much praise, the worst was yet to come.”
I would come home and research on my Samsung Tablet A “How to Skip A Grade”, and “How to Drop out of School”. The only problem with this, is that this mindset I had adopted over the years was kind of toxic.
An Elementary School Dropout
Remember the Mark Zuckerberg article I told you about — well I had learned that Facebook’s CEO dropped out of Harvard. At that point I had realized all the big names I knew dropped out of school too. However, I soon recognized as a black, female being smart was not enough. My talents would be underminded the minute I entered the job force — I needed to be special.
When I entered middle school everything changed, I had developed the fear that maybe I wasn’t so special. I began to work harder, and I realized that the more effort I put the better my results would be. Still, I went from being above average to just a smart kid. So, how was I going to go back to being special.
Learning How to Leave My Mark
At this time, I had discovered writing. In November 2016, Donald Trump had just been elected into office and my emotion had led me to write apiece called “Appraising a Great Deal of Complexity: How and Why Donald Trump Won”. After making some finishing touches, I rushed to send my dad an email with my work attached.
He called me and expressed how proud of me, he was.
For a while I equated writing with getting my dad’s approval, but the more I stuck alongside my hobby. The more I began to love doing it, with or without praise. This is the part of the reason why I’ve began to love this platform. Now I’m just an average teenager, but I place my worthy in my passion projects, my volunteer work, my character and my relationships.
The Moral of The Story
Prasing your children won’t make them jerks. But, the most important thing is to not quantify your kids self-worth. You child being special will mean that they are able to identify their passions, and work hard to decide what success means to them. Help them find resources and opportunities to grow in thier learning outside of a school environment.
