The Stress Of Having A Mistress

I don’t understand why husbands do it

Vuyo Ngcakani
Jan 8 · 3 min read
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Photo by Pablo Heimplatz on Unsplash

“Why don’t you come by my place after work?”

This invitation was offered to me by a lady I hadn’t seen in a while. She wanted me to come by so we could catch up. I’m sure it was an innocent request but I declined. I just didn’t like the idea of being alone with her in her home.

I’ve been married for 25 years and the opportunity to cheat on my wife has presented itself a few times. From parties to away conferences, when spouses are not around, partners can get reckless, throw caution to the wind, and fall to temptation.

I’ve been tempted. But thankfully haven’t succumbed. It’s not because I didn’t want to. I’m not that good.

There are 3 main reasons committing adultery is not something I see myself doing and I pray I never do.

Fear of the wrath of God.

Let’s face it. God saw it fit to list adultery amongst the ten commandments as an act to avoid. When I consider that the wrath of God was placed on his Son, Jesus, for all my sins including adultery, and I imagine what Jesus went through on His way to Golgotha's hill, I don’t want to disappoint Him. I want to live up to the way He now sees me, holy, blameless, and above reproach. (Col 1: 22). I want Him to be proud of me and sleeping with someone other than my wife would grieve Him for sure.

Fear of the wrath of my wife.

My wife gave up her career to raise our 3 kids. There is a special place in heaven built just for her. It is because I met her that I accepted Jesus. I don’t want to lose her and I most certainly would if I were to stray. At least I believe that.

The hurt and pain inflicted on her and the children would be like no other, the sense of betrayal unmatched. She may forgive me but regaining her trust would be understandably difficult. I do not want to find out. What we have built together is good and I want to keep it.

I also love her dearly which should be enough, shouldn’t it?

Fear of the stain on my reputation.

This one is a little bit self-centred. It’s about saving myself from embarrassment. I don’t want people I know looking at me with knowing glances, accusing looks, and no doubt gossiping about me behind my back. I know because I’ve done it. I’m not proud of it and I don’t want it levied against me.

Those are the three main reasons that I stay on the path. I’m sure if you asked any husband why he doesn’t stray, you would come up with similar reasons amongst others.

Now it’s one thing to have a one-night-stand. You got caught up in the moment and fell to temptation.

But keeping a mistress is a continuous affair. The infidelity is ongoing and can result in money being spent, vacations being taken, gifts being bought, and obviously, secrets being kept all to benefit the other women and potentially harm the wife.


In this article in, Marilyn Wedge Ph. D, states that it’s not always about sex and physical attractiveness, though those are factors.

She also cites that men become emotionally isolated in their marriages. Wives focus on the kids to the exclusion of the husband so he goes looking elsewhere for validation.

This article in states that some men may cheat because they are unsatisfied. But, as a rule, men don’t cheat because they are unhappy. Men cheat because they think they can get away with it and, perhaps more importantly, because they’re willing to let themselves get away with it.

For me, the stress would be unbearable. There’s no way that I would be able to get away with it. Again, it would be the fear of getting caught and the fallout that keeps me honest.

My wife and I talk. My libido is higher than hers but we communicate and that’s good enough for me. I have a good woman and I’m not going to lose her and the connection we have now for a dalliance.

It’s not worth it.


We curate outstanding articles from diverse domains and…

Vuyo Ngcakani

Written by

writer, husband for 25 years, father of 3, grandfather of 1


We curate and disseminate outstanding articles from diverse domains and disciplines to create fusion and synergy.

Vuyo Ngcakani

Written by

writer, husband for 25 years, father of 3, grandfather of 1


We curate and disseminate outstanding articles from diverse domains and disciplines to create fusion and synergy.

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