The Subconscious Nudge
A short story on taking that leap of faith, and trusting the process
You can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. — Steve Jobs
The last few days have turned my life 360 degrees around, and that too surprisingly very fast.
I wanted to pursue Ophthalmology since the third year of medical school. I had to struggle for two years, studying like crazy, the entrance exam being really tough, when all my Engineer friends were already abroad, earning fat bucks. Of course, I was aware of this seemingly trivial yet very significant drawback when I chose to become a Doctor. I had told my parents earnestly, that it’s okay even if I start earning late, my passion for my field supersedes this drawback.
Only that— it didn’t.
I was still engulfed by exams when everyone else was already financially independent, making me extremely impatient. I kept telling myself that, “you will reach the top of this huge summit, soon.”
And finally, I cracked the exam, got a good rank, and now have been allotted my dream field — Ophthalmology, in one of the premium institutes of India — Aravind Eye Hospital in a small city called Pondicherry on the southeastern coast of India. This is a huge change for me, as this place is around 1300 km from my hometown which is near the western coast of India, near Mumbai. Also, India being a diverse nation, there are many different local languages in various regions. The official local language in Pondicherry is Tamil, of which I don’t know of. Being a doctor, I have to deal with patients speaking the local language. But of course, all this is secondary to the amount of amazing cases I’d get to see and learn so much. Aravind Eye is like the Temple of Ophthalmology.
Food, language, distance is all manageable as long as you have the drive, zeal, and the fire burning!
I worked really hard, even after I got married, spending 10–11 hours in the Library, reading and revising; usually, the last person to leave the Library— contrary to what so many people had opined; that being married, it won’t be possible to study and dedicate the long hours that are required. But fortunately enough my husband and in-laws were extremely supportive; ALWAYS by my side to cheer me up — given my capricious and tender moods, as it used to be really depressing within the four blank walls of Library.
The worry, apprehension, anxiety of whether I’ll make it to the other side made me fail in my first attempt at the entrance exam back in 2019. After the result, I literally didn’t get up from my bed for a week, my parents being extremely worried. I slowly picked myself up, bit by bit — watching videos of success stories and decided to fight it out by working on my weak subjects, changing my strategy, and most importantly — work on myself which was empowered by my mother. She was a fighter, having completed her Ph.D. thesis when she was pregnant with me.
I started meditating a lot, detaching myself from the result — which was the key. Being too much attached creates desperation, which in turn creates anxiety. I focused on giving my best, my 100%, and leave the rest to the Universe, fate, destiny, whatever. At the same time, I always used to visualize my victory speech, especially in my lowest times. It kept the momentum high.
I got married in June 2019; taking a complete break and enjoying all the wedding festivities, resuming my studies from the third day after the wedding day. Seeing my dedication, everyone was really very supportive. And the fact that my husband was an Anesthetist, having been gone through the same entrance exam fight three years ago, when he chose his Residency in Anesthesiology — he knew exactly what I was going through; and had my back all the time. I finally gave my exam the second time in January 2020 enabling me to pursue Ophthalmology.
Covid-19 situation delayed the entire admission process — but I found my love for writing in this period. Had I cracked the exam in the first go, probably I wouldn’t have discovered this creative side of me.
Connecting the dots now, like what Steve Jobs said, it all turned out in a way that ensures my growth. Trusting the process with patience is extremely important, and a strong belief in oneself.
When you’re in the flow, things just fall in place like a jigsaw puzzle. I got the support when needed, even now when I got allotted in an institute 1300 km away, when there are so many travel restrictions, my husband never tried to impose that I stay within the state, or closer to him. He knew how much this is important to me.
I got to know that I’ve been allotted this institute on 2nd July 2020, and was told to report before 15th July, after which I would be quarantined for 14 days since I’m traveling from another state. The sudden hurry and rush to pack off to a different city didn’t give me time to write anything. This has been the longest break from writing — almost 15 days, and my hands were literally itching to start typing again. I also couldn’t find time to read through others’ posts as well, and I really missed that.
It made me realize how much writing on Medium had become a daily routine. All this is in just two months.
Residency is going to be tough, hectic, making me keep my nose buried in the hospital. But I’ve promised myself that I take out time for myself, and for writing, if not daily, as much frequently as possible; for writing keeps me at peace, evolving my thinking, and immersing the brain in creativity — like meditation amidst a busy schedule!
I arrived in Pondicherry yesterday and am being quarantined now for 14 days in my room inside the hospital campus. I probably won’t be able to meet my husband and family for at least four or five months, until the Covid-19 situation in India settles. No one is allowed inside this small city, me being a doctor being allotted in their hospital, were an exception.
I can’t even go and explore this quaint new city which offers most amazing beaches, and Auroville — an experimental township where no religion is followed, everyone from various parts of the world, lives in peace and harmony.
I’m stretching myself from all sides, going totally out of my comfort zone; but to quote my mentor Dr. Sumer Sethi, a Radiologist and owner of coaching institute for medical entrance, “The decision to follow the subconscious nudge is called the leap of faith.”
And that’s what I’m doing — following my subconscious nudge.
