The Untold Side Of Being A Single Dad
Not all superheroes wear capes
Single Father
noun
1. a father who brings up a child or children alone, without a partner.
In my case, it was three boys, ages 12, 9 and 6. Parenting in itself has proven to be very demanding and tricky, especially when a single parent is doing it on their own.
I have moved from Dubai, UAE to Lille, France with my boys to start a new life here, and this is me reflecting on some thoughts that I face almost daily as a single dad.
What Social life?
Being in a new country where we don’t know anyone yet, my social life now is literally on social media and my new best friend is Zoom! I’m actually one of the people thankful that we were in confinement! I know this sounds bad, but it is a fact. I was able to reconnect with my friends back home now that they had time, I was having multiple long Zoom calls a day, we had quiz nights, game nights and all this helped keep me sane! Outside of that, my social life is zero and as a single parent, you will need to be prepared for that. I’m not even talking about love relationships, those are not even on the table.
Judgment, judgment and then some more
I face judgment all the time, people love to judge and will never cease to do it. Sometimes they are direct either with a question or a comment and sometimes it’s just a hint or even a look that I see on their faces. They will question my parenting, judge my divorce and often try to throw blame all over the place.
It’s never me, it’s always my ex.
She still gets the credit for everything I do, people who don’t know us or our story will say things like “Three boys! Your wife is a tough one!” Well…No! I’m the tough one, I am raising them on my own and yes, I actually want those encouraging words to keep me going, I’m in this alone. Kids will show up to school on time, breakfast in their bellies, dressed properly, nails cut, smelling good and with homework done. No, this doesn’t just happen on its own, it took a tough parent to get it done, day after day, and that tough parent right now is just me.
The glory still goes to single moms
And don’t get me started on Mother’s Day Vs Father’s Day! Single moms and single dads are in the same side of the battle, I have the utmost respect to both, but Single Moms are immediately given the superhero status, single dads have to prove that they deserve it. As an example, when I registered my kids in schools here in France, I was asked to fill the details of the mother. I had to explain that she is in a different country and immediately I was faced with a series of questions, to answer some of them I felt like I was defending myself from accusations of taking the kids away from their mom. Do mothers face the same line of questioning? No, they are hailed as supermoms and superheroes immediately while single dads have to fight to prove they are. It actually hurts.
I’m tired, battled and hiding it doesn’t help
Parenting is a full-time job that drains you, everything is “your” responsibility, and nothing will just “fix itself”. I’m a chef, a housemaid, an entertainer the dispute manager. All this while also having to raise them, teach them ethics and help them go through life. You have to be a great father every single day, you don’t get the luxury of saying “feck it! I’ll do it tomorrow.”
Despite all this, I have to always stand tall and maintain my composure. These kids are in my shadows and they feel when I’m low and I can’t let them feel that it is because of them.
“You need to spend time crawling alone through shadows to truly appreciate what it is to stand in the sun.” — Shaun Hick
While the journey is tough, becoming a dad is still the best thing that has ever happened to me: When one of the boys wakes up in the middle of the night, still half asleep and throws himself in my lap, hugs me hard and says “Dad, I love you for everything,” all the pain is washed away. I have an unbreakable bond with those three and I will not trade it for anything else in the world.
What I’m going to say now doesn’t only apply to single dads, but single moms as well and every human being, everyone has his own battles that you don’t know of, everyone handles situations differently and finally, there is always a story that’s untold that would explain the thing you judged, be kind, you really don’t know how you affect others. Just be kind.
Nabil
