This Is (Part Of) My Story
Introducing myself to ILLUMINATION
When I was a child I was so shy, people often got surprised if I spoke.
I grew up to become your typical awkward teenager. I had severe acne throughout my teenage years, was terribly skinny, and very insecure, even though I was undeniably smart.
One of my biggest concerns, when I was in high school and even during my college years, was my nose.
I had a huge nose with a deviated septum and an extremely rounded tip that stole my face’s whole show. Or so I thought. I always believed that when people looked at my face, they weren’t looking at me, they were looking at my nose.
To make matters worst, I’ve always suffered from allergies. So, this nose wasn’t only huge; it was also loud and mostly red.
My class was small and I got along with everybody, but I never was the favorite friend of anybody. If they had to pick a friend for anything, mine wasn’t the first name to pop in their heads.
I graduated at the top of my class and got accepted into my dream University, which is located in a different city. It was a dream. I was moving.
For reasons I didn’t understand back then, I couldn’t wait to live by myself. I later understood I couldn’t stand the tension between my parents and the extremely high levels of anxiety we all experienced when my dad decided to have one of his drunk Friday nights.
He’s amazing. My dad. And he’s not a drunk by any means. But he likes to party often. And he also likes to disappear when he does. My mother, who had a difficult childhood due to my alcoholic and abusive grandfather, just couldn’t stand it.
I don’t blame them for getting divorced later. I used to blame them for getting married in the first place considering they’re as different as chalk and cheese. But I’m over that now and I don’t blame any of them for that anymore.
In college, I found the place where I belong. Everybody around me in college liked the same music I do, laughed at the same jokes I laughed at, enjoyed the same things I did.
My acne scars and my huge nose remained at the top of my insecurities, though. I was always scared of speaking out loud in class because I thought everybody would turn around and see my nasty nose. I was also scared of saying something stupid or asking the wrong questions.
Plus, since I was living in a different city now, people took notice of my accent pretty quickly. They used to make fun of me and since I was so insecure, I got offended pretty easily.
I lived by myself throughout all my years in college. I always felt absolutely happy and free when I was home by myself.
My high school and college years are behind me now. There’s little trace of who I used to be when I was younger. I can barely recognize that girl anymore.
Now, I’m not afraid to speak my mind and I’m not afraid to put myself out there. I’m not afraid of uncertainty. I still have a fear of abandonment, but I’m working on it.
I’m no longer scared of making mistakes.
I got a nose job four years ago. I’ve also gotten laser treatment for my acne scars and they’re looking much better. Now I take care of my hair. I look a lot better than I used to.
Regarding my accent, I still have it. It’s especially noticeable when I’m angry. But I’ve embraced it.
I want Medium to be my safe space, that’s why I write under a pseudonym. I like writing because I find it therapeutic and because it puts me in a state of flow.
I’m so grateful to be a part of ILLUMINATION. I still can’t believe I’m part of a publication. I’m looking forward to learning from all the brilliant writers I can find here.
Thank you for reading.
