This is us.
Joe Goldberg realizes after his attempted suicide that he is who and what he is(an obsessive killer who does it in the name of love and protection of his loved ones)and that he needs to accept this if he should continue to live life and with himself.
Joe was a stalker! Like…he cunningly watched and studied his romantic partners before they eventually became his victims. He knew each of them more than they cared to know him. Why? because if he happened to love you, he would fixate on you entirely and nothing or no one else.Which made him more and more of a menace to himself and the people around him.
Similar to Joe’s nature, that’s how various versions of ourselves stalk and haunt us. Like so_version A of us may have been used to doing some things (probably bad and shameful ones) that version B(our current selves)may be trying to forget about or deny didn’t happen. But because they are both US, we end up having internal mental battles. Which just like Joe’s case, brings up suicidal thoughts and attempts. That dark part simply wants to be acknowledged, remembered, loved, and still be included in this “new” us version.
We mostly find or will probably find ourselves in such delicate situations when having existential crises and/or when in therapy sessions. This is because we are then required to look deeply within ourselves and mostly our past to begin solving whatever problems and challenges we currently have.
A great example is to think of your childhood self and current self. Two completely different versions of us. Right? now think about how many times you go back and forth between them. And in what kind of scenarios?Mostly negative or traumatic ones? Ever wondered why?
Well, as I pointed out earlier, our old versions don’t want to be forgotten! because they are very much alive(and fragile) even though we act like they aren’t.This begs the universal question…do people ever change? or do they just pretend to? huh! One thing is true though…we are who we are.
I think we knowingly(or not)get selective amnesia and mistake it for having changed and becoming new people all of a sudden. When all it is is just mind games.Because the mind knows how to protect itself and adjust accordingly. But that doesn’t mean we have changed. It’s just a slight cognitive glitch.
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I used to be fat. Throughout high school and more so the first two years after that. I’ve since lost weight though, and I’m now in a better place. With a normal and healthy BMI.
Even so, every so often, I still regard and feel as I did in high school, fat! That version of me simply won’t go away. She still haunts me. Remember me? remember…me? look arem you, you are me, this is us, we…are us! I vividly hear this voice from within me. Weirdly enough when I’m looking at myself in the mirror. I aggitatively close my eyes or move away from it. Imagine that. Absurd, but true.
Familiarity always wins. Novelty only works for a while then oops, back to factory default setting again, what’s familiar. How we saw and interpreted our experiences in our formative years is rooted so deeply in us that the idea of changing is close to impossible. Unless all our memories get hypnotized ( which is impossible)or we for some reason trip and hit our heads so hard on a rock that we completely forget who we are.
Joe tries running away from himself too. But what does he realise as he painfully feels life leave his submerged body in the deep waters? He still wants to continue living and living fully. By acknowledging his unfortunate reality of being a murderer who can’t help it. He accepts himself.
Now…you and I may not be murderers(I hope this isn’t debatable), but we sure are something. Something we are ashamed of.Something we keep secret for ourselves. Never to be revealed to a soul. But at the end of the day, we are who we are. This…is US!
