Striving For Your Best Self or Embracing Who You Are?
The wrong question and the right answer
Where is the line between striving for your best self and embracing who you are? Or, how can you be self-accepting without becoming complacent?
These intriguing questions were the subject of a stimulating conversation between author and vulnerability researcher Brene Brown and my favorite podcaster Tim Ferris. They each responded to the where is the line question as follows:
Ferris: I try to make room for both.
Brown: I will determine the line. Not you or anyone else.
While both answers shine with wisdom, neither seems to directly address the crux of the question: where the line is.
This is no accident because the framing of the question is flawed.
The framing of the question implies that there’s an inherent conflict between striving for your best self (self-betterment) and embracing who you are (self-acceptance).
This perceived conflict is fundamentally due to the many negative connotations that are subconsciously attached to the concept of self-acceptance.
To many, self-acceptance carries the strong emotional valence of giving up, a sense of passivity and helplessness where you just drift with the flow without either the capacity or the willingness to effect change.
Under this misguided view, the question of “self-betterment” and “self-acceptance” quickly becomes various versions of the match-ups below:
“Progress” versus “Status quo”
“Growth” versus “No growth”
“Better self” versus “Same self”
By now, self-acceptance has largely turned into a force against self-betterment, which can’t be further away from the truth.
Self-acceptance is the very foundation on which sustainable self-betterment can be achieved.
To illustrate my point, we will examine what’s behind one of the greatest tennis champions, and in particular the dynamic between self-betterment and self-acceptance.
At the time of this writing, Novak Djokovic, the reigning Wimbledon and Australian Open champion with a record-equalling 22 major titles, is ranked world №1 in men’s singles and has held the top position for a record 380 weeks and still counting.
Like him or not, it is safe to say that he is a great example of “striving for your best self” and actually becoming his best self in the sport of tennis.
But what’s sustaining that constant striving for better?
In this in-depth interview by Graham Bensinger in 2020, Djokovic opened up and shared some profound insights into what made him who he is.
Djokovic: (War in Serbia) “has helped me to shape me into the person and tennis player that I am today, to have more hunger to work, train, build myself so I can show to the world that kid from war-torn country can be the best in a global sport.”
“There is no justification for war…It is an ultimate cruelty…but at the same time, I don’t think it’s good for anybody to be stuck in hatred, anger, rage…I worked on myself and those emotions to forgive. How can you be fueled by anything more than love and love is forgiveness.”
Love is forgiveness and forgiveness is fundamentally a form of self-acceptance.
When asked how he handles those nerve-racking clutch moments in tennis:
Djokovic: “I think everyone goes through that thought process (what-ifs, fears and so forth) in those moments, and I don’t think it’s particularly bad. I was thinking it’s bad so I was trying to ignore it or trying to shut it down. The major transformation in a positive way for me started when I was starting to acknowledge it, and accept it as part of me.”
“I’m at my best when I understand that the power comes from within… vulnerability is a beautiful thing to show…”, he added.
No wonder Djokovic is where he is today.
He certainly has figured out some deep truths about tennis and life, one of which is the power of self-acceptance from within.
Granted that breathing techniques, meditation, and other practices help focus the mind to be in the present, but it seems his mental clarity and toughness are firmly rooted in self-acceptance, which is effectively a deeper form of mindfulness.
The moment you start to accept yourself is the very moment you start to break your mental attachment to whatever you cannot accept.
Self-acceptance is not a force against your effort for self-improvement, it is the process to free yourself from various forms of self-rejection, the root cause of many common mental struggles including anxiety and fear.
In other words, self-acceptance is NOT about giving up striving for your best self, it is instead about giving up fighting yourself and finding inner peace.
When you feel at peace with yourself, you know you have accepted yourself. And that’s when you become fully present in whatever you are doing without mental distractions, a flow state that tends to produce the best result.
Now, back to the original question: where is the line between striving for your best self and embracing who you are?
There is no such line because there is no conflict between the two. In fact, embracing who you are is probably the only way through which your full potential can be reached.
I leave you with this quote from author and speaker Roy T. Bennett:
“Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward. If you want to fly, you have to give up what weighs you down.”
