To Those Who Feel Love Is Painful
I’m 29 years old and have achieved some sort of maturity, self-sufficiency, and independence during the last decades. The desire for love and deep attachment also has been a perpetual question for me for a decade.
In this article I will share my thoughts about what are love and relationships, and how to improve our condition.
Earlier in my Life
During my teenage and early adult life, I heard a lot of things about “finding a ‘good person to marry” seeking our “other half,” “better half”, waiting for “true love”, and “marriage makes people complete”. In fairy tales, the prince and princess overcome numerous obstacles to be together.
The atmosphere told me that getting into a relationship is good, being popular is good, having friends is great, and being in marriage is necessary. On the contrary, being single, and alone, solitude can be unhealthy.
I tried to date people in my early twenties but did not work that well, where it feels like something is not quite right, I was also in a changing phase of my life.
Internally I could not take it very deeply; was acting as someone else; giving up some of my characteristics; or maintaining some relationships really hard and unnatural.
It feels not right.
At the moment, since I was living in a closed community (think about college or even high school), I always believed that it was my incompetency that I could not hold the relationship, and that I could not follow the values that most people saying and doing. For a couple of years, I truly believe this was my problem, a big shortcoming of mine.
But is that the truth?
When I think back, even the relationship is not love, instead —
I want more validation from others: boys, other girls, or even my family who want me to marry early, and the societal values that overvalue the importance of marriage and love.
When I became cooler in mind, I started to realize —
Why do other people’s opinions about our private lives matter? Why not validate ourselves instead of seeking validation?
It is simple: We need to LOVE ourselves.
This is like my first a-ha moment: be chill and we are not going to miss love, Instead —
We are Moving Towards Real Love
My previous understanding of love/relationship arises from a sense of inner lack, incompleteness, insecurity, and immaturity.
Here’s the catch — the emptier and more insecurity in the heart, the stronger the desires, validation, emotional cravings, and vanity become.
At the previous time, I really wished to meet someone to fulfill my desires, treat me well, make me look well in the crowd, and fill the void. If I held this opinion, it would be easier for me to be in a relationship, but further to true happiness —
Because of this inner weakness, I seek to find someone to fill it as a form of external validation. It’s as if we’re all seeking to complete ourselves from the outside, something uncontrollable.
It is not about finding a right or wrong person, it is that —
As long as we continue to long for true love and place hopes in another person, who should not be controllable by us; this can lead to unsafety and unhappiness perpetually.
A Better Love
Many years ago, I heared there’s a saying that goes, ‘A wise man does not fall in love easily, but a fool is trapped by his feelings. (or to say, A wise man does not step into the river of indulgence)” which I felt very arrogant at the beginning but now I hold a different opinion.
The so-called wise are those who are self-complete and self-consistent. They have an innate sense of fulfillment, so don’t have a tendency to take from others; instead, they are solid and inclined to give. They practice the idea of benefiting oneself and benefiting others, loving oneself and loving others, and helping oneself and helping others. It is very important when a person truly learns to love themselves and matures that can they love others better.
That’s why I say, we are chill about getting love, but are going towards real LOVE!
The so-called “fool” is that people fall into emotions/relationships prematurely (I wanna say it is not about age). In the beginning, they give out things they have, give up their styles, to get what they want, but once their desires are fulfilled, they start feeling insecure unstable, and demand more. That causes people to drain each other fall into conflict, and sometimes spend a long time resenting. What we commonly call love, in many cases, is just a cover for mutual harm.
As we previously said, in fairy tales, the prince and princess may overcome numerous obstacles to be together, but fortunately, the fairy tale usually ends there, without talking about how much wisdom we need to remain in a happy marriage.
In Conclusion
Some believe that love can be a reflection of our inadequacies, such as the “better half” thing. People with unfulfilled hearts expect another person to compensate for their shortcomings. But this is not necessary, and there’s no one in the world prepared for you to steadily fill your void; neither we should control others. True wisdom lies in not expecting from the outside but in self-fulfillment. Better love is a journey of self-discovery, understanding, and growing together.
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