Toxic Family Members Disrespecting You, Again?
Here’s What to Do…
For most, family relationships can be a source of love, support, and joy. However, for some, they can also be challenging, stressful, and harmful.
Though my life, I’ve had to engage with toxic family members, we all have.
At times I’ve even lived under the same roof as them.
They can behave in ways that are dysfunctional and can even cause harm to themselves or others through spite, to say the least.
If you’ve had to deal with the same thing, you slowly start to realise that there are ways to deal with it. To combat it.
If the war isn’t in the physical world, it’s usually in your head.
You can start to question someone’s actions about why they would do certain things or even question yourself.
However, not everyone was like this and through sharing experiences, you start to realise there are ways to combat it.
You start to find ways to pivot and adapt, not only mentally guard yourself against the mind games but also help others close to you who are in the same boat.
In the following paragraphs, I’ll share with you the 4 main tips and tricks I managed to pick up on the way to help against this constant battle we all face at some point in our lives.
Disclaimer: I will be counting extended family under this same bracket. The same rules apply.
Constantly dealing with toxic family members can be emotionally taxing and draining.
I’ve found that if you don’t take care of yourself physically and mentally, it could very well consume you and you could end up becoming the very thing you are trying to avoid.
Here are some of the traits your toxic family members may exhibit:
· Manipulation.
· Disloyalty.
· Disrespect of boundaries.
· Lie.
· Avoid responsibility.
· Guilt tripping.
· Abuse (this could be physical or mental).
While it may all look bad and too familiar, you will have fellow allies and comrades in the field, others in the same boat, also looking for a way to combat this.
Through conversation, you’ll work out why some family members become toxic (the same applies to friends too but they are easier to exclude from your life).
Why it happens:
From what I understand, the reason why toxic family members become ‘toxic’ is for attention.
Believe it or not, this is a very extreme form of attention-seeking.
Whether they are jealous, feel some sense of regret for their own lives or feel as if there is some rivalry within the clan, they do it for attention.
In ‘The War of Art’, Steven Pressfield describes this as ‘Resistance’.
Resistance is the force you experience when trying to achieve anything of substance. He describes it as the voice within that tells you to procrastinate, to doubt yourself, to fear failure, and to sabotage your dreams.
Some people (such as toxic family members and friends), experience resistance in their lives and find it easier to go around being toxic than to be a good person and pursue what they actually want to achieve in life.
You can either get attention by doing something good (achieving a goal) or doing something bad (being toxic).
So, how do we combat it?
The Plan…
1. Set Boundaries.
Setting boundaries is the first step in combating toxicity.
Boundaries are the limits you set for yourself and others in terms of what you expect, accept, and tolerate. They help protect your physical, emotional, and mental well-being from being violated by others.
- There are several ways in which you can set boundaries such as:
- Limiting contact (e.g., phone calls, visits, messages).
- Declining invitations to events or activities.
- Saying no to requests or demands that are unreasonable.
- Asking individuals to stop certain behaviours that are disrespectful (e.g., name-calling, gossiping, criticizing).
- Ending conversations and interactions that become abusive or hostile.
And the benefits of these are:
- Reducing stress.
- Avoidance of manipulation.
- Preservation of time and energy.
- A positive state of mind.
- Expressing yourself clearly and respectfully.
But what do we do if they don’t respect boundaries?
Well, this is a tricky one, as different family members hold different roles. You could very well be a child reading this dealing with toxic parents.
For any children out there, it may not be that easy to minimise contact when you live in their house.
There are two options I’d recommend for this.
Option 1 — Walk Away.
This option is more of a quick fix, however, people seriously underestimate the power of silence and leaving a situation, but this is the most powerful thing you can do.
Toxic people are looking for a reaction & attention. Give them the exact opposite, walk away.
Walking away will give you the best peace of mind and end the interaction immediately.
Instead of getting annoyed at them, do it in private. The last thing one should be looking to do is show weakness to the enemy or they will do their best to exploit it.
Stepping away may be difficult and could potentially rile up the opposition, making the situation more uncomfortable and you may be urged to confront them.
Resisting such temptation and simply walking away will save you time, energy, and mental well-being as you will be removing yourself from the situation.
I have walked away from countless interactions and while you may leave wishing you would have said x, y, or z, it’ll make you more mentally strong because of it.
Avoid all toxic interactions. Certain people will try to provoke you, bait you, or drag you into arguments and drama. Don’t fall for it, remain calm and detached.
The ultimate goal should be to not become like them.
Option 2 — Independence.
The second, but longer to obtain route that I’d recommend is to look for independence.
The less you have to rely on people who are being toxic the better it’ll be as you’ll have less need to put up with nonsense that is hindering your life.
This could be in the form of getting your own house, job, or even social circle. Yes, it may take time, however, it is something to work towards.
Once you have full independence will find that this can go one of two ways.
The first is that the toxic becomes less toxic, this is because subconsciously know you don’t have to put up with it now.
The second way this could go is, they could become even more toxic. This is usually thought jealousy and envy.
2. Limit Contact.
Sometimes, setting boundaries may not be enough to cope with toxic family members. You may need to limit or reduce the amount of contact you have with them, especially if they:
· Violate your boundaries.
· Cause you distress.
· Interfere with your goals.
· Hurt your relationships.
In these instances, limiting contact with toxic family members is the next step. This will help you:
· Prevent harm and distress.
· Focus on your needs.
· Protect your well-being.
· Build your self-esteem.
· Increase confidence.
· Actively pursue your dreams.
Limiting contact with someone does NOT mean you must cut all communication with them.
At the end of the day, they’re still family. You still care about them.
You can still maintain a civil relationship with them, but just keep them at arm’s length.
When I decided to reduce the amount of contact I had with toxic family members (especially extended family), it completely changed my social life.
I could just get on.
I no longer had to stress about what the interaction was going to be like the next time we spoke.
How you do this is entirely up to you, you get to decide how much contact you’re comfortable with.
If you need to avoid certain situations where you know they will be present, do so. If you need to block calls or texts, go that far.
Take steps to protect yourself.
3. Find Others. Seek Help.
While dealing with toxic people as a whole can be mentally draining and exhausting, it’s not something you have to do alone.
I understand that you may feel like no one understands what you are going through and there is nowhere you can go to for help, but more people than you think can relate.
For me, my mother is a really good example. She has always been a great source of support & advice.
Where possible, seek help from others who can advise you on actions you can take. People who can support you may be:
· Other family members going through the same situation or experiencing the same treatment as you.
· Trustworthy friends who’ll listen to you.
· Or maybe even a therapist or counsellor who can help you.
I’ve never had a situation where it got so intense I had to seek support from a therapist or a counsellor so I can’t say 100% if this method helps, however, if this is something you feel you’ll benefit from then give it a go. There’s no harm in trying.
Whatever support network you find you, they will be able to support you emotionally, mentally, and practically about what you can all do to deal with the situation.
TIP: Don’t forget to help them too. It’s still up to you to guide and be a support for others. They’re counting on you…
“It may not be your job, but it’s your responsibility.”
4. Acknowledge The Reality.
Have you ever heard the quote:
“You can take a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink” — A Wise Man.
I’d recommend the step of talking to the culprits; however, you can’t change how people are unless they are willing to change.
Sometimes, talking to toxic family members may not make any difference. They may deny, minimize the situation, try to justify their actions, accuse you of being too sensitive or blame you for the problem.
It can even make things worse because now you’ve highlighted what annoys you.
With that said, the final step I’d recommend is to accept the way they are and acknowledge the reality that this is how they are.
Don’t get caught up in the fantasy that they will change or become the family member you want them to be.
If that happens, great, but if not, don’t waste your life mulling it over.
You need to accept that they are who they are and that you can’t fix them.
This may seem counterproductive; I understand that you want to save the relationship, but moving on with your life is the best thing for you. You can only hope that by them seeing you do well, they will want to change and progress with you.
“Be the change you wish to see.”
Conclusion:
Dealing with toxic family members isn’t going to be easy, but it’s definitely possible.
Wanting to be treated with respect and value doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re well with your rights to protect yourself from those who don’t see you as an equal.
Remember to stay connected with those who value and support you.
Give these methods a go and let me know if they work for you.
Have you been in a similar or worse situation? Or do you have any other methods that you could recommend?
Comment and let readers know. You never know when you’re helping someone else.
Thank you for taking the time to read my article. If you found it helpful and think someone else could too, please share it📣📣.
A writer mainly on self-development. I occasionally write on personal experiences, interest and other topics too. If you are interested in self-development, then please read some of my other articles (linked below). Enjoy.
