Toxic Masculinity
The swing of the pendulum.
A good friend of mine — my ex-mentor and ex-manager, a middle-aged white male — once told me that his 20+ year old son was trying to get into the police force but couldn’t. Police had many quotas — for females, ethnic minorities, diverse minorities and many other minority groups. Anyone who didn’t fall into those categories — that is a young healthy strong white male — had to win very tough competition to fill the remaining places.
My friend’s voice was sad and resentful at the same time. It was obvious that he was trying to come to terms with the fact that exactly the people who would constitute the main police workforce not so long ago (young healthy white males) now found themselves in a somewhat disadvantaged position.
No, I didn’t get into a heated debate with my friend about minority groups that had been disadvantaged for so long, including women who were hardly a minority but had been disadvantaged anyway (and still are in many countries), which, in my view, made it even more unfair. The law of the pendulum swinging back and forth with the same force.
Estimates published by WHO indicate that globally about 1 in 3 (30%) of women worldwide have been subjected to either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence in their lifetime. Most of this violence is intimate partner violence. Domestic Violence Statistics — The Hotline
No, the moment wasn’t right to have that conversation. Plus, it wouldn’t have changed anything, and I don’t like having a debate and pointing fingers just for the sake of it.
However, that conversation stuck with me for years and I’ve been resurrecting it in my memory.
I actually feel for men who are now re-thinking their social roles in modern societies.
What’s the husband’s role in a marriage if he’s no longer the main breadwinner?
How should an aggressively ambitious male position himself at work where everyone talks about emotional intelligence and win-win negotiations?
Everyone talks about toxic masculinity but what is it in reality?
I can almost feel the confusion. How is someone expected to step outside of their existing behavior pattern and see the unhealthy patterns? And how is healthy versus unhealthy defined?
We only become aware that a certain behavior pattern is unhealthy if we face negative consequences that often bring strong emotional pain. Even then, if we are strong-headed and naturally resilient, we tend to ignore our own negative emotional reactions, thinking that it would be fine, just give it time. Catch-22.
To make things more complicated, modern societies haven’t yet come up with an agreed criteria of what ‘toxic masculinity’ means in practice; the criteria is being invented on the go right now as people talk about it. This is very similar to the concept of ‘narcissism’ that is actively discussed on social media with many opposing and confusing views that make us believe that every second human being on this planet is in fact a narcissist.
90% of suicides are male, and toxic masculinity is seen as a major factor.
81% of men feel pressurized to show no weakness.
69% of men feel the need to handle problems on their own.
58% of parents are worried about toxic masculinity affecting their sons.
Only 33% of men feel that men should be emotionally strong.
When I think about the concept of ‘toxic masculinity’ there are obvious aspects that immediately spring to mind, such as resorting to physical violence instead of resolving conflict by negotiation. Taking out problems and stress on those who are weaker and more vulnerable. Violence and threats of violence. Controlling others by force, both physical and more subtle force, including various types of aggressive manipulation.
(Not that women don’t resort to manipulation, but it’s more subtle. Not that women can’t become violent, but more often than not these are single outstanding cases.)
From 1994 to 2010, approximately 4 in 5 victims of intimate partner violence were female. Domestic Violence Statistics — The Hotline
But I think that ‘toxic masculinity’ is more than just using force in some shape or form.
To me, toxic masculinity is about losing perspective on which battles are worth fighting and using force against the people who support and love you. It’s about putting pressure and showing dominance where a kind open conversation could do the trick. It’s about misusing and overusing force. It’s about using heavy guns to shoot sparrows.
As a female, I observed the so-called ‘toxic masculinity’ behavior play out several times in life — summarized in the five points below. Thankfully, in my 49 years that didn’t happen often. Reading other women’s stories, I now realize that I’ve been truly lucky to be living in some sort of a safe bubble most of my life.
So, what does ‘toxic masculinity’ mean for me, leaving aside the use of brutal force?
- Fearing open conversations about relationship problems. Using manipulative techniques to avoid the conversation.
- Refusing to admit they were wrong. Using pressure, manipulation, ‘cold shoulder’ technique to avoid responsibility.
- Putting the blame on others. Playing the victim, e.g. pretending or believing the situation is outside of their control.
- Resisting change, including the reluctance to question their ego.
- Turning any situation into a battlefield. Winning at all costs even in personal relationships, not recognizing that relationships are fragile.
One might say that many women resort to exactly the same toxic techniques.
Very true, many women indeed do so, including myself. In one of my recent discussions on Quora I’ve been bombarded with resentful comments about manipulative women. In my view, the main big difference is power imbalance, be it physical, social, financial, emotional or even mental power.
On a couple of occasions when my family was going through a relationship crisis, I attempted to throw temper tantrums, use avoidance strategies and shut down conversations. Then my husband would get me (and later the kids) in the room, sit us at the dining table and say, ‘No one leaves this room until we have an honest grown-up conversation about the problem and make a plan to resolve it’.
Not that he ever stopped us physically from leaving, but he could do so, because he was obviously physically stronger. He knew it, and I knew it, too. That obvious fact coupled with the unpleasant realization that he was actually right to insist on having a grown-up conversation, added to his authority and position of power.
There was no way that in a similar situation, if the tables were turned, I would be able to stop him from leaving the room if he wanted to. And that’s the power imbalance many forget about. That’s the power imbalance that makes it worth talking about ‘toxic masculinity’.
