Treat yourself with the same kindness and care as you would your dog.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve had a deep affection for cats and dogs. My dream was to own a pet once I moved out of my family home. However, when I started living in a shared apartment or as a paying guest, I realized that my unpredictable job schedule and the absence of a work-from-home option made it impossible for me to provide the care a pet would need. Despite these constraints, I tried to contribute to animal welfare in my own small way by feeding street dogs whenever I could, although it wasn’t as frequent as I would have preferred.

During the period of the COVID-19 lockdown, people were largely restricted to their homes, only leaving for essential needs. On one particular day, I decided to step outside. As soon as I did, I found myself instantly encircled by a pack of street dogs. It was in this instant that I understood the unspoken obligation I had towards these creatures. I felt a duty to provide them with food twice daily.

Photo by the author

Things have now returned to normal. The dogs are not overly reliant on me, but I still try to check on them once a day.

All dogs are not the same. Each dog behaves differently

• Some dogs exhibit joy upon seeing you, behaving much like a beloved household pet.

• Some dogs remain composed and patiently await their food.

• Some dogs prefer to eat only when they are part of their pack.

• Some dogs can be naughty. Not only do not they eat, but they also prevent other dogs from eating.

• Some dogs are over-obsessed with food and always ready for a snack

• Some dogs bark at cars and scooters for no apparent reason, and I get scolded for the dogs’ behavior through no fault of my own
• Some dogs eat your food but do not let you pet them, and the list goes on.

No matter how different the dogs are, they make my life colorful.

If you do not have a fondness for dogs or have not spent a significant amount of time around them, you can substitute ‘dog’ with ‘newborn child’ from your family or friends in the following text. This will give you a more personal perspective and help you relate better to the content.

Dogs are not perfect, as they can often behave in ways that are confusing or even frustrating. Their actions can sometimes lead to trouble and may even cause us to lose patience. Yet we work hard to maintain a healthy and happy lifestyle for them. The question then arises, would life be simpler without them? The answer is undoubtedly, yes. However, if we were to consider whether life would be more joyful and fulfilling without them, the answer is a resounding no.

Our minds function like a untrained dog.

Even though we repeatedly guide ourselves to adopt certain behaviors — like rising early, avoiding distractions, and taking brave steps — we often find our minds reverting to old, familiar patterns. This can lead to frustration and self-criticism, as we feel we’re not making the progress we want. In such times, we tend to be harsh on ourselves, fearing that being kind to ourselves would result in complacency or weakness.

Is self-kindness a sign of weakness or failure?

This leads to the not-so-famous but important concept called “Self Compassion”.

Self-compassion has been defined as a self-attitude that involves treating oneself with warmth and understanding in difficult times and recognizing that making mistakes is part of being human (Neff, 2003).” (Breines& Chen, 2012)

In simple terms, imagine how you would treat a dog, child, or friend suffering or struggling with a difficult situation or issue. Now, imagine you are going through a similar difficult situation or issue. This time, use the exact same care and support towards yourself that you showed to your friend. This is self-compassion.

According to Kristin Neff, Ph.D. who is a pioneer in the study of self-compassion, self-compassion involves three components

1. Self-kindness: Self-kindness is the core of the self-compassion. Rather than dwelling on our failures or inadequacies, practicing self-kindness encourages us to take active steps towards:

- Alleviating our own suffering
- Comforting ourselves during difficult times
- Providing solace to ourselves amidst hardship

This improves our overall being

2. Common humanity: Recognizing that we are all human, it is important to remember that none of us are perfect. Each one of us has a unique set of flaws and challenges that we face. When we stumble or encounter unforeseen obstacles, it’s essential to remember that this is a part of the human experience. We should not allow ourselves to be consumed by deep suffering, but rather, we should extend compassion and understanding to ourselves. Without common humanity, self-compassion is just self-pity

3. Mindfulness: Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to the present moment on purpose and without judgment. It’s about noticing what’s happening around you and within you, like your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations, without trying to change them. It’s like taking a step back and just observing, which can help you feel more calm and focused. Without practicing mindfulness, we cannot fully recognize or understand our own suffering. Consequently, we may respond to this suffering impulsively or inadequately, without having adequately prepared ourselves to deal with it effectively.

Routing back to the main question, Does self-compassion make you soft and weak? The research says the opposite.

1. Improves Mental Health: Studies have shown that self-compassion is linked to lower levels of anxiety and depression. It helps individuals cope with adverse events with greater ease (Neff, K.D., & Germer, C.K., 2013).

2. Increases Happiness: Self-compassion is associated with higher levels of happiness and optimism. It allows individuals to experience positive emotions even in difficult times (Neff, K.D., Rude, S.S., & Kirkpatrick, K.L., 2007).

3. Enhances Self-Worth: Self-compassion can lead to a healthier sense of self-worth, as it encourages individuals to accept their flaws and failures without self-judgment (Neff, K.D., 2003).

4. Provide Better Coping Skills: Self-compassion can improve resilience and coping skills, helping individuals to recover more quickly from setbacks and challenges (Leary, M.R., Tate, E.B., Adams, C.E., Allen, A.B., & Hancock, J., 2007).

5. Reduce Stress: Self-compassion has been found to reduce stress and its associated negative effects on the body and mind (Neff, K.D., & Germer, C.K., 2013).

6. Improve Relationships: Self-compassion can lead to healthier relationships, as individuals who are kind to themselves are often kinder and more understanding towards others (Neff, K.D., & Pommier, E., 2013).

7. Greater Life Satisfaction: Self-compassion is associated with greater life satisfaction, as it allows individuals to appreciate their lives despite imperfections (Neff, K.D., 2003).

8. Enhance Motivation: Self-compassion can boost motivation by encouraging individuals to learn from their mistakes rather than punishing themselves for them (Neff, K.D., Hsieh, Y.P., & Dejitterat, K., 2005).

9. Improve Physical Health: Some research suggests that self-compassion can also have positive effects on physical health, including better sleep and a stronger immune response (Sirois, F.M., Molnar, D.S., & Hirsch, J.K., 2015).

10. Increased Emotional Intelligence: Self-compassion can help individuals better understand and manage their emotions, a key aspect of emotional intelligence (Neff, K.D., & Vonk, R., 2009).

If you are skeptical about self-compassion. Answer this question. If your best friend is experiencing pain, would it be more helpful to comfort them with compassion or to scold them, implying they are stupid or weak?

If you think you are a good person, you should not only be kind to your loved ones but also to yourself. A good person with less suffering will certainly make the world a better place. So, act wisely.

Check out the self-compassion website for more information

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References:
- Neff, K.D., & Germer, C.K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28–44.
- Neff, K.D., Rude, S.S., & Kirkpatrick, K.L. (2007). An examination of self-compassion in relation to positive psychological functioning and personality traits. Journal of Research in Personality, 41(4), 908–916.
- Neff, K.D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
- Leary, M.R., Tate, E.B., Adams, C.E., Allen, A.B., & Hancock, J. (2007). Self-compassion and reactions to unpleasant self-relevant events: The implications of treating oneself kindly. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92(5), 887–904.
- Neff, K.D., & Pommier, E. (2013). The relationship between self-compassion and other-focused concern among college undergraduates, community adults, and practicing meditators. Self and Identity, 12(2), 160–176.
- Neff, K.D., Hsieh, Y.P., & Dejitterat, K. (2005). Self-compassion, achievement goals, and coping with academic failure. Self and Identity, 4(3), 263–287.
- Sirois, F.M., Molnar, D.S., & Hirsch, J.K. (2015). Self-compassion, stress, and coping in the context of chronic illness. Self and Identity, 14(3), 334–347.
- Neff, K.D., & Vonk, R. (2009). Self‐compassion versus global self‐esteem: two different ways of relating to oneself. Journal of Personality, 77(1), 23–50.