The Four Elements Of True Love
“True love is not a hide and seek game; in true love, both lovers seek each other.”
― Michael Bassey Johnson
Love has become such a loaded and overused word that it has lost almost all of its meaning. Unfortunately, overutilization has clubbed the word into dank submission.
All too often, people will use love in terms of want and attachment: “I love that new car” or “I would love it if my dog stopped defecating on the mailbox.”
Love is certainly not something that we need to search for because true love is cultivated from within. It is fully available to us in the here and the now.
According to the famous Zen Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, there are four components to true love. Maitri (loving-kindness), karuna (compassion), mudita (empathetic joy), and upeksa (equanimity).
In Buddhism, these four elements are collectively known as the Brahma Viharas or “the immeasurables.”
Although true love will work wonders in romantic relationships I urge you not to limit it. True love is eternally limitless and should be applied to all of your relationships.
The first element of true love is maitri. It means loving-kindness. Maitri has the power to offer happiness. If you can generate a feeling of happiness in another person as well as yourself, that is loving-kindness.
Maitri is also translated from Sanskrit to mean “benevolence” and “friendliness.” Maitri was popularised by Buddhist teacher, author, and nun, Pema Chodron. In her book How to Meditate: A Practical Guide to Making Friends with Your Mind, she describes maitri as “unconditional friendliness,” not only towards others but towards oneself.
This element of true love is always free of self-interest, attachment, and expectation.
You should be maintaining your freedom while respecting the beloved’s freedom. It is also boundless and can be extended to all living things.
Mindful understanding is key to maitri. When you spend time with the beloved, and gradually understand his or her difficulties and aspirations, you will also gain a deeper insight into how to make him or her happy.
The second element of true love is karuna or compassion. This is the ability to understand and remove another’s suffering.
From the deepest desires of our hearts, we sincerely wish for the freedom of suffering for all the living things around us. It is also important to note that compassion is not a one-way street.
Ralph Waldo Emmerson rightly explained it like this: “It is one of the beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.”
It may come as a surprise to some, but practicing compassion is one of the most hedonistic things you can do. There is nothing more satisfying than earnestly trying to help another life, with no thought of personal gain.
Karuna will lead to insights into the reasons for which others suffer and ultimately it will manifest itself in acts of charity.
“The third element of true love is mudita, joy. True love always brings joy to ourselves and to the one we love. If our love does not bring joy to both of us, it is not true love.”
-Thich Nhat Hanh
Mudita is an empathetic joy that results from knowing that others are happy. This can happen even when you are not the cause of another’s happiness. This is our ability to delight in the good fortune of others.
Often, the analogy of a proud parent watching a successful child is used to exemplify this element of true love.
Mudita opens the heart and dissolves the negative emotions of jealously and self-centeredness.
Selfish tendencies are deeply ingrained in modern society, which is why mudita is seen as the most difficult of the four Brahma Viharas to practice.
Interestingly enough, mudita has no counterpart word in English.
Invariably, mudita is always available in every circumstance, and we and the world should express joy in others’ successes rather than the lower feeling of jealously and taking pleasure in others’ misfortunes.
The fourth element of true love is upeksa or equanimity. This is a state of psychological stability, evenness of mind, and nondiscrimination.
Inclusiveness will naturally result from equanimity. The even-mindedness that results from the impartial treatment of others will cause the happiness and pain of the beloved to be your own.
If you are experiencing true love, you cannot say “that’s your problem,” because your problems are my problems and your happiness is my happiness.
Acceptance is the key to upeksa. When we accept and are tolerant of everything which happens to us, it becomes impossible to label these happenings as “good” or “bad.”
True love does not discriminate between such things and thrives on non-attachment.
“The object of your practice should first of all be yourself. Your love for the other, your ability to love another person, depends on your ability to love yourself.”
-Thich Nhat Hanh
It is my sincere wish that love will regain its meaning through your application of these four elements. God bless you, namaste.
