Why Do We Conform and Try to Fit In?

Our old brains lure us to fit in with others, but we don’t live in the stone age anymore.

Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

“I remember always being baffled by other children. I would be at a birthday party and watch the other kids giggling and making faces, and I would try to do that, too, but I wouldn’t understand why. I would sit there with the tight elastic thread of the birthday hat parting the pudge of my underchin, with the grainy frosting of the cake bluing my teeth, and I would try to figure out why it was fun.” — Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl

Have you ever laughed just because your friends were laughing?

When I first moved to the US, I didn’t fully understand American jokes and had to laugh when others were (I spoke English since I was six, so the language wasn’t the issue).

Looking back, I realize I could’ve just asked. However, I didn’t want to stand out and be the loner. I regret all the time and effort I spent to be like others.

But it wasn’t all my fault. It was just human nature.

Trying to Fit In Is a Human Nature

Out of the three lines on the right of the figure below (line A, B, and C), which line has the same length as line X on the left?

Did you choose line A? What if I told you three of your friends and family chose line B. What would go through your mind?

Figure 1: Solomon Asch Vision Test Example. Graphic by Won Jung.

Merriam-Webster defines conform as

Conform: “to be similar or identical. Also, to be in agreement or harmony.”

In the 1950s, psychologist Solomon Asch performed a vision test, like above, to study if his students would conform to the mass. He provided an image like above (Figure 1) and asked questions. However, he made three other participants intentionally give incorrect responses and saw how the naïve student participant reacted.

In his research, 75% of the participants went along with the rest of the group at least once, despite the correctness of the answer. Also, participants conformed to the incorrect group answer approximately one-third of the time (Cherry, 2020).

Participants seemed to change their answers more often with a higher number of participants, a higher difficulty of the tasks, and a higher social status of the other participants. However, people conformed less when they responded privately (Cherry 2020).

So, why did they change their answers?

Some participants said they didn’t want to risk facing ridicule. Also, participants might believe other people are smarter or better informed. Some of them might have been motivated to avoid conflict.

We can hypothesize numerous reasons, but research shows our brain is making us doubt ourselves and conform.

Trying to Fit In Is Hardwired in Our Brain

If your grandmother gave you $100 to split between you and your brother, what would you do? Would you split evenly even if your brother has no idea how much you received?

Dr. Manfred Spitzer and Dr. Ernest Fehr (2007) studied how people split the given money with others in different conditions .

In their research, twenty-four men were paired up and given 100 virtual coins per pair. Player A had the power to split the coins between the pair and player B received whatever player A offered (Spitzer et al., 2007).

Figure 2: Result of Spitzer and Fehr conformity study. Graphic by Won Jung.

In a control condition, player A gave about 10 coins to B and kept 90 coins for him- or herself. However, when player B was able to penalize player A for being unfair, player A gave about 40 units to player B (Spitzer et al., 2007).

The fMRI images showed player A’s brain area involved in the evaluation of punishment threats (lateral orbitofrontal cortex and right dorsolateral prefrontal cortex) were highly activated when deciding for punishment conditions compared to the control condition (Spitzer et al., 2007). Also, when a computer was substituted for player B, player A’s brain had significantly less activation (Spitzer et al., 2007).

In another research, psychologists, Christopher D. Frith and Daniel Campbell-Meiklejohn, studied whether the human brain would be activated differently when we conform.

Their study showed participants with higher volume in the lateral orbitofrontal cortex (brain area sensitive to signs of social conflict or disagreement) were more likely to conform than their peers. Also, participants’ Ventral Striatum (associated with reward) was activated when they conformed (Campbell-Meiklejohn et al., 2012).

Dr. Christopher D. Frith (2010) said,

“Our results show that social conformation is, at least in part, hardwired in the structure of the brain.”

In a different research, Jamil Zaki, a psychology professor at Stanford, showed participants images of nutritious and unhealthy foods while they were going through an fMRI scan (Zaki & Mitchell, 2011). They were asked to rate how much they liked those foods. Then, researchers showed the average ratings made by the participants’ peers. Finally, the participants rerated the food items.

The second rating shifted towards the average ratings. The fMRI scans showed participants with higher activity in the nucleus accumbens (part of ventral striatum that is critical for reward response) shifted their rating closer to the average (Zaki & Mitchell, 2011).

So, certain brain areas get highly activated when we conform, specifically the lateral orbitofrontal cortex and ventral striatum.

Figure 3: Brain structure of orbitofrontal cortex and ventral striatum. Graphic by Petergstrom from Wikimedia Commons.

The lateral orbitofrontal cortex (lOFC) is poorly understood, but it is commonly associated with impulse control, decision making, and response inhibition. It is also hypothesized that OFC is involved in modulating bodily changes associated with emotion.

Like the lOFC, research showed activation in the ventral striatum. The ventral striatum has been extensively studied for its role in rewarding experiences.

Based on the above research, the brain area mediates reward and impulse activates. With the complexity of neuroscience, we cannot definitively say why those regions activate and what they mean. However, a specific brain area does activate when we conform.

Therefore, it is a normal response for us to try to fit in. However, it may not be the best choice for the 21-st century homo sapiens.

Evolution Is About Fitting In, Not Survival of the Fittest

Throughout the 3.5 billion years of life on earth, the ecosystem constantly changed and only the fittest survived.

“Evolution is not about survival of the fittest, but about fitting in.” — Ursula Goodenough

However, humans, unlike other creatures, can anticipate and manipulate the ecosystem.

That’s why we survived the ice age and dinosaurs didn’t. We also don’t have to migrate or dig a hole during the winter.

Instead, we had to fight against stronger carnivores. Therefore, humans had to form a group and do everything to stay in the group to survive.

Even religion was created to bring people together. The etymological root for the word “religion” is “to bind together.” In the past, religion created a culture, a law, and a system for people. Since humans can’t survive alone, we had to fit into a local system. There was no other choice.

But now, the whole world is at our fingertips thanks to technology.

Fitting In Is Overrated, Try to Belong

“They wrote in the old days that it is sweet and fitting to die for one’s country. But in modern war, there is nothing sweet nor fitting in your dying. You will die like a dog for no good reason.” — Ernest Hemingway

Unlike in the past, humans can connect with people on the opposite side of the world or live anywhere. Yet, we still try hard to fit into our local group.

It is natural to lose a part of ourselves when we act in an accepted way to fit in with others. That’s where most of my miseries in life came from.

So, how do we overcome conforming to the mass when our history and brains force us?

Brené Brown, a researcher, storyteller, and professor, suggests we should be belonging in, not fitting in.

“Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere you want to be, but they don’t care one way or another. Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.” — Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone.

So, how do we find our true belonging and not laugh just because others are laughing?

The Courage to Be Vulnerable Is Everything

“As it turns out, men and women who have the deepest sense of true belonging are people who also have the courage to stand alone when called to do that. They are willing to maintain their integrity and risk disconnection in order to stand up for what they believe in.” — Brené Brown

To truly belong where we want to be, we must be okay with being vulnerable and truly believe we are worthy of love and belonging. Also, we have to believe even our insecurities and faults are worthy of being loved.

So, having the courage to face our insecurities and being compassionate for ourselves are the first steps to finding our true belonging.

Courage comes from the word cour, meaning heart. To fully belong, we must tell our whole story with our whole hearts and have the courage to be imperfect.

Compassion is key in society. But even before we become compassionate for others, we must be compassionate for ourselves. We cannot be kind to others if we are not kind to ourselves.

“Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” — Brené Brown

Conclusion

Research suggests human brains are physically wired to conform.

In the past, we had to conform to survive. Without the internet and the airplanes, there was no other choice than to fit in with our neighbors.

However, with access to the entire world, we can find our true belonging anywhere in the world.

We just need to be courageous, compassionate, and active.

We must have the courage to accept our vulnerability and get uncomfortable. We need to realize even our weaknesses and faults are worthy of being loved.

“I came to terms with not fitting in a long time ago. I never really fitted in. I don’t want to fit in. And now people are buying into that.” — Alexander McQueen, English fashion designer.

References:

Brown Brené. Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. Random House, 2019.

Campbell-Meiklejohn, D. K., Bach, D. R., Roepstorff, A., Dolan, R. J., & Frith, C. D. (2010). How the opinion of others affects our valuation of objects. Current Biology, 20, 1165–1170. doi:10.1016/j.cub.2010.04.055

Campbell-Meiklejohn, D. K., Kanai, R., Bahrami, B., Bach, D. R., Dolan, R. J., Roepstorff, A., & Frith, C. D. (2012). Structure of orbitofrontal cortex predicts social influence. Current Biology, 22, R123–R124.

Campbell-Meiklejohn, D. K., Simonsen, A., Jensen, M., Wohlert, V., Gjerløff, T., Scheel-Kruger, J., … Roepstorff, A. (2012). Modulation of social influence by methylphenidate. Neuropsychopharmacology, 37, 1517–1525.

Cherry, Kendra. “Asch’S Seminal Experiments Showed the Power of Conformity.” Verywell Mind, 3 Apr. 2020, www.verywellmind.com/the-asch-conformity-experiments-2794996.

Conform. 2011. In Merriam-Webster.com. Retrieved June 8, 2021, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/conform

Goodenough, Ursula. Evolution Is Not About Survival of the Fittest But About Fitting In, Washington University, firstuualton.org/Sermon_files/altontalk.htm.

Nook, E. C., & Zaki, J. (2015). Social norms shift behavioral and neural responses to foods. Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience, 27, 1412–1426.

Spitzer, M., Fischbacher, U., Herrnberg, B., Grön, G., & Fehr, E. (2007). The neural signature of social norm compliance. Neuron, 56, 185–196. doi:10.1016/j.neuron.2007.09.011

Zaki, J., Schirmer, J., & Mitchell, J. P. (2011). Social influence modulates the neural computation of value. Psychological Science, 22, 894–900. doi:10.1177/0956797611411057