Twenty Hard-Earned Life Lessons
The most meaningful lessons do not come easily, or quickly.
In the last ten years of my life, I have obtained both an undergraduate and graduate degree, I have worked as a bookseller, a file clerk, a research assistant, an editor, and an English teacher, I have traveled out of the country, met and married the love of my life, fought my way out of poverty, and lived in six different places. Through all of this, I have drastically changed the way that I view the world — the way that I view family, work, and love.
Here are twenty of the most meaningful lessons I learned:
Lesson #1. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else.
Humans are social creatures. We need each other, but no matter how much you want to help someone, you can’t keep doing it if you don’t put yourself first. You need water, nutrition, and rest — basic necessities that are far too often neglected. Take the time to take care of yourself. Only then will you be able to help the people you love.
Lesson #2. Your success is not determined by the roads other people have taken.
If you measure yourself by the level of success of those close to you, then you will never be able to rise above it. Success and self-respect go hand-in-hand. You determine your own worth. And if you have goals, fight for them.
Lesson #3. You don’t have to keep saying sorry all the time.
You say you’re sorry when you don’t live up to someone else’s expectations, but the fact is that you don’t need to, and you shouldn’t. You didn’t choose this life, but you can make choices that will make you happy. It’s healthy to explore the world outside of the one you were born into. There are so many religions, cultures, traditions, and lifestyles out there. Expose yourself to them, and never apologize for not conforming.
Lesson #4. Trust your instincts.
Being familiar with a lesson doesn’t mean that you’ve learned it. You’ve heard of the importance of trusting your instincts before, but you may not realize how important it really is until you don’t, and you regret it. Listen the first time.
Lesson #5. If you let other people take advantage of you, they will never stop.
It’s okay to do someone a favor, but it’s not okay to let them manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do. Bosses, coworkers, siblings, parents, friends — there are some personalities out there that will always work against you. You can’t fix other people. But you can learn to say no, and that’s healthy.
Lesson #6. It’s important to set boundaries.
Long-lasting relationships are few and far between, but the problem with a relationship that lasts 10+ years is that sometimes people forget other people change. You aren’t the same person you were ten years ago. Your needs change as you grow, and that means the way you live your life changes, too. Regardless of the type of relationship, you need others to understand you and respect your boundaries as they are now today.
Lesson #7. No one will ever know you as well as you do.
You’ve probably heard of someone saying that their significant other or sibling or parent knows them better than they do, but this is an illusion. You are basically an organic computer, constantly absorbing information and recalculating, which means you are always growing and always changing. No one can keep up with that, which means you are the only person in this world that truly knows what you need. Make sure you pay attention.
Lesson #8. Meaningful relationships are built on a balanced scale.
My husband and I have a stronger and healthier relationship than most, if not all, of the couples I know. We listen to each other and we try to understand one another. We respect each other’s needs. And we tackle everything as a team. When I don’t feel well, he picks up the slack, and vice versa. A meaningful relationship is a balanced relationship, and that means gender stereotypes need to be thrown out the window.
Lesson #9. If you really want something, you can’t quit.
Ask yourself this: If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what is the one regret that you would have? Not something you’ve already done, but something you haven’t done? Well, that’s the one thing you can’t stop trying to do. You have a life goal. Plan ahead and work for it, even if it’s just a little each day.
Lesson #10. Sometimes what you’re afraid of can help you grow.
Public speaking is a common fear, but when I was growing up, even the thought of presenting made me feel sick. Despite this, I became a teacher, and it turns out that a combination of public speaking and performance turned me into someone other people can learn from and relate to. And when you push past that fear that’s holding you back? It’s freedom. Absolute, irreversible freedom.
Lesson #11. It’s okay to change your mind.
It’s not hypocritical — it’s essential. You aren’t supposed to think the same way you did ten, twenty, or thirty years ago, no matter how old you are now. Education, relationships, and experiences craft us into the people we are meant to be, but in reality, that transformation never stops. You will change until you die. Be proud of that change. It’s called growth.
Lesson #12. You can’t expect to change other people.
That doesn’t mean other people can’t grow and change with you. I’ve changed a lot since my husband and I met, and for the better. That being said, you can’t go into a relationship (of any kind) with the expectation that someone is going to change into the person you need. That’s not how it works. Start with a baseline, flaws and all, and find happiness.
Lesson #13. A quiet life is a good life.
Too many people thrive on drama. The world is filled with it, and it’s poison. I’m not talking about dramatic television shows or ooey-gooey soap operas. I’m talking about real life. Bad things happen, but instead of dwelling on them, surround yourself with people who make you feel good, so you can lift each other up.
Lesson #14. Pay attention, and you will learn something new every day.
To learn something is to gain independence. There is nothing in this world you can’t learn, and every new thing that you do learn will open a new door. Stay open-minded and pay attention to life’s lessons. Absorb everything you can.
Lesson #15. The environment you spend your time in is critical.
If you have a toxic work environment or home life, leave it. That negativity will change you, and not for the better. If you don’t like where you are, if you aren’t comfortable, if it doesn’t bring you peace, then it’s time for a fresh start. And don’t lie to yourself, saying you can’t do it for whatever reason. Excuses won’t improve your life.
Lesson #16. If you set the bar higher every time you reach it, you will climb higher than you ever imagined.
The first house I bought with my husband was nicer than any house I ever dreamed of living in. I grew up in a trailer, and my expectations for a forever home were quite low — but then I realized that I could control the bar, and I wanted to set it higher. So regardless of where you’re setting the bar or what for, remember: nothing can stop you but you. Each time you achieve a goal, make sure the next one is harder to achieve, but more rewarding.
Lesson #17. Goals are achievable, just not all at once.
If you see everything you want and go for it all at once and then fail, you’re more inclined to give up. Try taking smaller bites. Each goal is achievable. Some will take weeks, others months. Years. Be patient, focus your energy, and prioritize.
Lesson #18. Communication is the most valuable skill you will ever learn.
If you exist, you communicate. You talk to parents, friends, partners, coworkers, bosses, neighbors, and even strangers, grocery store clerks, bank managers. This world thrives on communication. Your dialogue will change according to the needs of your audience; therefore, the art of persuasion is vital. Persuasive techniques, both in verbal and written communication, can change your future. Learn the art form, and use it to your advantage.
Lesson #19. Don’t box yourself into society’s standards unless you want to live in the dark.
There is no such thing as “normal.” Society as a whole has formed values that will teach you and your children and your children’s children, but those values do change over time. Don’t feel like you need to box yourself into society’s idea of what your life should be. You only get one life. Live it the way you want to, the way you need to, and remember to always ask why. You might be surprised how often you disagree with the answer.
Lesson #20. A relationship that is not mutually beneficial is a toxic one.
No matter what kind of relationship — familial, romantic, professional — if it is one-sided, then it’s wrong. Communication is important, and it’s okay to discuss change, but sometimes that desire for change is one-sided. It’s not healthy. It will hurt you. And if you care about yourself and your future, then you need to terminate toxic relationships that could ruin your life — and the lives of the people you keep within your circle.
If you’ve made it this far, then perhaps there is one more lesson I have to share with you:
Bonus Lesson #20.5. It’s okay to ask for help.
This was the hardest lesson for me because I always felt survival meant independence, and I thought asking for help from a friend or doctor meant weakness. It isn’t. It’s strength.
Take the leap. You’ll only regret not doing it sooner.
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