Unpack Your Brain
How to combat self-defeating thought patterns for success
I held a coaching session recently with a client. After a few sessions, a regular pattern of his belief system emerged. He was telling me that his grand life plans for success were now completely thwarted. He had long been contemplating leaving his job to start a new business when Covid hit. Now he felt frustrated about not being able to move forward with his plans. He was droning on about how his family was not financially supporting him and his friends didn’t understand what he was going through.
Client: “Aren’t they supposed to help? To be on my side?”
Me: “Tell me what you mean by help?”
Client: “Help! Like give me money so I can quit my job, so I can work on my business. Like tell me I’m right to feel this way. And stop telling me what they all think I should do!”
Me: “Why do you have the expectation that other people should rescue you?”
Dead silence.
Me: “And tell me, what’s the one significant thing you’ve done yourself about the situation?”
Dead silence.
I prayed the silence was productive. I hoped it triggered something that made him realise:
We need to be our own search and rescue squad. It is foolish to place that much responsibility completely on anybody else.
Over and over, there are 5 self-defeating thought patterns that all result in us perpetuating the “I can’t” thinking. And we need to unpack our brain and smash these destructive thought patterns to move forward, grow and attain success.
1. Let go of your tragic backstory
Whatever hardship you’ve endured, whether it be unfavourable upbringing, childhood trauma or unthinkable circumstances you suffered, you are not alone. No one doubts the legitimacy of your backstory. No one is saying it has not impacted your life or the way you see the world. If everyone dug down deep enough or far back enough, they would all find something to be aggrieved about. If not, they would manufacture and justify it in their heads!
I’m not trying to trivialise the impact of the backstory, ask you to forget it or convince you it is easy to get over. What I will say is that this is a typical first hurdle people must jump over if they want to develop and grow.
The more we hang on to our tragic backstory, the more it defines us. The more it defines us, the more limits it places on our possibilities and success. Don’t turn your backstory into the crutch that stops you from putting on your running shoes.
2. Chip away at the chip on your shoulder
There is no doubt some people have it tougher than others. There are definitely systemic, institutionalised prejudices and disadvantages that shape our thinking and behaviour. The reality is, just about every disadvantaged minority is hard done by. But if we always walk around thinking we are hard done by and acting as though we are hard done by, what we end up developing is a never-ending grudge against everyone else.
Some people go around with the outlook “You’re only thinking this because I’m <insert minority here>” or “society won’t allow me success because I’m <insert disadvantaged group here>”. Some people go so far as thinking, “If you’re going to believe this about my people, then I’m going act exactly this way to prove you right.” Frankly, we are not doing any favours for the minority we represent with this first-strike false logic. To the prejudiced person, all we’ve accomplished is to reinforce their stereotyped belief. To people who may be sympathetic to our minority, we’ve alienated and made them question their belief.
We can’t change how other people think. We can help change and influence their negative stereotypes by presenting ourselves in the best possible light.
3. Discard the story you’re telling yourself that’s holding you back
Apart from the backstory of our childhood or other life events, we also have our individual mental stories we’ve formed either from ‘sage’ advice of our elders or even well-meaning strangers.
I remember going to a doctor for an annual check-up when I was 20. Young and fit, I thought nothing of the assorted routine asks of blood pressure, height and weight tests. I was passing everything with flying colours. Then the doctor asked me to take a deep breath and blow into some plastic contraption. As I finished, he asked me if I was a smoker. “No.” I replied. “Were you ever a smoker?” he followed up. “No!” I exclaimed, incensed at the suggestion for some reason. “Wow, interesting. Well, you have the lung capacity of an 80 year old!” He nonchalantly said to me and stopped the conversation.
That proclamation stayed with me. For the next 20 years, I saw myself as a physical weakling who shouldn’t push herself. That one sentence dramatically coloured how I saw myself and my physical capabilities.
I backed away from physical exercises. I did not to exert myself because the doctor told me I couldn’t! I have the lung capacity of an 80 year old!
Looking back, I had put a limit on myself because of that one sentence. Instead of working to improve the situation or working to disprove the claim, I stupidly just gave up and let it be my defining barrier.
4. Get off the entitlement bandwagon
This may be controversial, but it seems that more and more people have an outrageous sense of entitlement nowadays. My client was in this mental state. He felt completely entitled. Because of his sense of entitlement, he couldn’t see beyond himself. He fully expected his family to fund his living and rescue him when he had done nothing at all to earn it. When they couldn’t meet his unreasonable demands, he became completely consumed and immobilised by self-pity.
When we go around expecting things without having earned it, we short-change ourselves in 2 ways. One, we disempower ourselves to actually do something for ourselves because we lazily rely on others to rescue us. Two, we set ourselves up for the crushing disappointment and vicious self-pity when others don’t rescue us to our satisfaction.
For those always at the selfless giving end of the relationship, I have news for you. Nothing unearned is truly appreciated. So even if you are the rescue squad who comes and saves the day, don’t be surprised if the receiver is not genuinely grateful anyway because they are so consumed in their sense of entitlement.
5. Stop saying ‘This is just who I am’
How often have you heard people say, “This is just who I am.” This is short-hand for giving up, not trying and being unwilling to change. Yet, to say that we can’t change is to say that we can’t learn!
This is a cop-out. Our brains are marvellous learning machines. We are by nature imitators and experiential learners. We expand and grow through our learning. Our experiences allow us to “become ourselves” as Michelle Obama so eloquently put it.
It is not contentment when we fool ourselves into thinking we are comfortable in the rut of “this is who I am”. To me, it’s a sign we are too scared to take the plunge to embark on learning and change because we don’t know if we still have what it takes. Take the plunge because: to stay still, is to regress.
Takeaway
I once had a similar attitude to the man I was coaching. I know how self-defeating and disempowering these thought patterns can be and how damaging it can be when we completely over-rely on others to solve our problems. If you are walking around like the aggrieved party who’s lost the court case, you should have justly won, remember:
The world doesn’t owe you anything.
Unpack your brain and unshackle yourself from these 5 mental outlooks that are giving your brain those “I can’t” signals. Treat your supporter like they are a cheer squad, not your life raft.
To be clear, I’m not saying that we are all lone sailors in our journey through life. Rather, I want to emphasise the clear distinction between accountability and contribution. We are accountable for our lives — our supporters provide valued contribution.
It can be liberating to realise that we are in charge of our destiny.
We are each the lead singer of our song. Our supporters are like our back up vocalists and instrumental accompanists. They provide the harmony, the steady drum beats and the rhythmic chords that amplify our voice and help keep us in tune.
It’s only when we unpack our brain from this self-limiting thinking we can truly give ourselves the key to our car. When we realise who needs to be the driver of our own lives, we might just shift over to the driver’s seat, grab the wheel and steer our way to success.
