Waking Thoughts. A Journey of a depressed soul. #1
A quick disclaimer: This is a work in progress and depicts the real Everyday thoughts of a real person. This isn’t going to be some curated “tik-tok” view that people like to pretend is real. This may not always be very pretty, if fact it may get uncomfortable and ugly at times if you don’t like the idea of pain and depression. I am starting a journey of self-discovery and soul healing, i hope that leads to a better future but we will not know until we take the journey.
I can hear birds chirping away and a little light touches my face. I open my eyes and immediately think “Goddamn…I’m still here.” I have been really out of it lately, depressed. Life has felt like a minefield lately and I have an uncanny ability to find every single land mine I could possibly step on, and then step on them. If this were some real minefield instead of some imaginative, illustrative nightmare, I’d be dead a thousand times over. Dead for real instead of just feeling dead inside, but I can’t even tell which one is really worse anymore. I know…I know, I tell myself with that with one there is no chance for change and the other is a lot of work, that I don’t have a clue how to start properly but has some hope for change. So, there is some hope, even if it’s infinitesimal and fleeting it still exist. I just have to find it, grow it, and grow from it. All easier said than done but I should at least give it one more very earnest try or at least that is what I tell myself as I lift my head from the pillow. I need to find a little joy and try to build from there. I loved reading and writing at one time before, in fact, I was passionate about scholarly learning and self-advancement, but this depression seems to have stolen that from me. I decide to try to find this lost joy again and maybe some hope for a better future with it. I can’t afford college courses, hell I can’t afford rent, but how much does it cost to read or write? Well, that is somewhere to start. It can be somewhere to try to find a small piece of joy to replace this increasing depression, a place to replace this self-doubt with self-confidence or it could be just another mine in this littered field. With that last thought I pick up my depressed and heavy soul off the bed to search once again for a little hope and joy to soothe the hurt and depression.
