Survival 101
We Need to Stop Eating Like Fancy Bastards
When did we become such a bunch of pretentious pricks?
I’m sure there was a time when the peasants looked at the rich pricks stuffing spatchcocks into rabbits into pheasants into geese into cows and thought,
‘Look at those fucking pretentious wankers. I'm so glad I’m not a rich arsehole.’
We can’t say that anymore. What happened to us?
We used to be the workers — the ones keeping it real. We used to point at the super-rich and tell them what a bunch of tossers they were.
We can’t do that anymore because we are all wankers.
You earn 50k a year, but eat in a Michelin star restaurant, stuffing your face with caviar while your waiter announces the motherfucking duck souffle with carrot ash and a snozzberry reduction in Alan Rickman’s voice. And you think to yourself,
I’ve truly made it in life.
It’s no wonder the world is fucked.
But we have a problem. Actually, we got a few problems.
Do you know what a factory farm is? And, do you see the scale of these motherfucking hellholes these days? I doubt it.
Forget that.
Do you know that the world's biggest rainforest, the Amazon, is being shredded? These fuckers are replacing this pristine, ancient forest with cattle farms and soybean plantations.
What’s that, you say? Damn those vegetarians with their tofu.
Actually, no, they feed the soybeans to cows for even more motherfucking beef.
But forget all of that.
Even if you don’t care about that, there’s a change coming that will affect all of us.
The time of lavish living is almost up, and at some point very soon, your duck souffle is gonna seem like a distant memory.
I don’t mean to sound like old boy Umair Haque here, but sometimes the depressing Mofo is right.
Things like food and water are gonna become scarce. What is available is gonna be directed toward the super-rich, and everyone under a certain level is gonna fall down a few pegs on the fancy food chain.
And we are gonna be fucked then. Why?
Because most of us know as much about growing lettuce as we do about Minecraft or Web 3.0.
That’s a serious problem
The supply chain issues in the world aren’t going away.
They are getting worse and, if I were you, I would be learning the value of black beans and brown rice and how to grow herbs and lettuce and carrots and keep a constant supply of seeds.
When we think about being forced to grow our own food, it seems like some dystopian reality. That is how out of touch we ‘normal people’ have become. It’s embarrassing.
We need to wake up from this shameful capitalist dream and realize that, throughout history, humans have always grown our own food. Buying from the supermarket is a modern invention. How did we become so reliant for our survival on a system that could collapse or be taken away at any moment?
This whole train of thought was triggered by a few things, one of which was this article by Asha Alaric.
Read it. It’s an excellent place to start.
We need to step back in time and take a stand against the fancy food system that has enslaved us like drooling toffs desperate for caviar and avocado and chicken liver moose and sea urchin roe.
We don’t need any of it. In fact, it’s probably fucking us up.
We need rice and beans and greens.
But ya don’t have to do it out of fear
After reading Asha’s article, I went into the garden and stuck my motherfucking hands in the soil.
In Australia, that’s a hell of a risk, but I did it anyway cause I wanted to reach back in history to a time when ordinary people were capable fuckers — a time when we could grow our food without blinking.
We just took care of shit.
We didn’t need big supermarket chains with corporate boards and marketing teams. These bastards use dangerous chemicals and methods of exploitation to make food so damn cheap that we think organic food is expensive.
Wake up dickheads.
Organic food isn’t expensive
It’s the same price it’s always been. Still, having someone pull out the weeds costs money.
But modern farming using chemical sprays and machinery and cheap labor and exploitation has driven commercial food so low in price that suddenly, organic, real food seems expensive.
We need to stop supporting these big motherfucking corporations. And I know you think I'm going all revolutionary and anti-corporate, and yeah, I am, and I’ll tell you why,
Our world is fucked because of corporations.
- Pharmaceutical corporations block medical innovations
- Food corporations block food innovations (such as lab-grown meat).
- Power corporations block energy innovation.
Do you really think emissions targets are getting pushed way into the future for logistical reasons?
Corporations don’t want us to be better off as a species because innovation means better conditions for humans for less or no money. Freedom for humans means the end of corporations.
There is no need for corporations in a world where we innovate to make our lives better.
Don’t you ever wonder what life on earth would be like if money didn’t exist?
Corporations get away with blocking our evolution because they own the government. They own the government because ‘government’ is just another name for a bunch of greedy wankers who like to line their own pockets.
As a race, humans are almost finished. We are reaching the end of the line because of corporations. But, can they be stopped?
Yes, because they run on fuel. And do you know what that fuel is?
Consumer power.
If you buy from them, you fuel them. Yes, we live in a society where it’s becoming harder and harder not to. But we have to make an effort. We have to find our spirits once again as ordinary people who live off the land.
Go forth then, get yer hands back in the soil.
Grow a motherfucking cucumber for yer family instead of buying a plastic-wrapped one.
And tonight — just for once, eat rice and beans and greens.
Then try it again tomorrow.
Just get used to it a little bit. Then the change isn’t gonna hurt as much.
Cos it’s coming, and when it does, you better be ready.
Frank ‘Umair’ Bird
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