WHAT IF…
Once, I was asked, “What’s something that I wish for before dying?” Or if I got to know that I was going to die in a few minutes, hours, or days, what would be my last wish?
I never knew what I really wanted in my life. For years, I have been running from one place to another to find something, and maybe that something is exactly what I wanted before dying. But there is something I often think of, and it’s to erase all of the memories that people have about me. I want to erase the part of their memory that includes me. I want to take everything with me. I don’t want to leave the book in the university library that sticky notes I had written long ago and forgotten by now. I don’t want someone to get access to the notes I have on my phone, especially the ones I have been hiding and are locked. I don’t want someone to open up the love letters u have been carrying in my bad for the girl I loved secretly. I don’t want to leave the suicide letters hiding under my bedsheet for someone to discover. I don’t want someone to read my diaries from the shelf that I forgot to burn.
Why would I wish this instead of living some more years or anything else? The first reason is that I am already tired of walking, and it’s not working for me anymore. I wouldn’t accept even a day extra to live, even if given the chance. The second reason is that I don’t want my words and thoughts to be misinterpreted. What if they are taking it out of context? And that’s not what I meant there. What if I couldn’t explain that not having friendships doesn’t have anything to do with some past tragic incidents and that I have had people who cared about me and I cared about them? The sky will be full of bickering, with me and God arguing to let me go to earth and tell that person what I actually meant. Maybe people or angels would have the amusement of seeing what kind of lunatic I am. But I want that. I want to take people’s memories that include me with myself.
