What Waiters Think While Serving You

All the things waiters can’t say if they want to keep their job.

Photo by Alexas_Fotos — pixabay

Ihave quite some experience as a waiter now, and I have worked in various restaurants of different standards. But I can tell you one thing, there are things about your guests and what you want to tell them and it doesn’t matter if that is in a fine-dining Italian restaurant or a rural country diner.

My list of things I think all the time, but never tell

There are many things that I as a waiter think and am not allowed to say or that piss me off but I can’t show it. Here are my top 12 thoughts:

• “Don’t annoy me with that, order something you like or leave.”
  There is a reason why the dish is on the menu the way it is. The chef doesn’t throw random things in a pot. No, the chef pairs products for a reason. Dietary requests are okay, although they are annoying, it isn’t your fault and we want to make your experience as pleasant as possible. But if you just don’t like half of the products in a dish don’t order it with changes that annoy the waiter and the kitchen, order a dish you really like.
  What we say: “Of course we can do that, no problem at all.”
• “No, you did not just snap at me, someone’s getting extra waiting time.”
  There is probably no way to annoy us more than snapping to get our attention. If you can’t wait until we are checking on your table the next time, then there are definitely more respectful ways to get our attention. Excuse me Miss/Sir/young man/…, or our name if we introduce ourselves to you, are the best ways. Never touch us while we are carrying stuff or approach us while we are speaking with other guests and never use sexist or inappropriate terms, even if you think it’s funny, because it isn’t.
  What we say: “I’ll be with you in a second.”
• “Of course, I talk like an idiot, but how else would you understand”
  We explain many things and of course, we try to use simple words or explain our professional vocabulary and if you don’t like the answer you get or the way we explain things, then shut up and google it.
  What we say: “You are welcome, feel free to ask any further questions if something else is unclear to you.”
• “I have no idea”
  We get many questions, some are legitimate but some are complete nonsense and to some questions, we simply don’t know the answer. But we always stay professional and answer in a polite and friendly manner. But it depends on the guest and how the question is asked, if we try to find the answer by asking the kitchen, the manager, or a colleague, or if we just want to keep on going as fast as possible. Sometimes we may lie to you about what a great choice that is or about how much we love that wine, even if we have never tried any of those.
  What we say: “I can ask our … about that matter:” (leave an answer that satisfies the guest but answers nothing at all)
• “I don’t care! Would you please shut up.”
  We really like to interact with guests, otherwise, we wouldn’t work in the hospitality industry but sometimes we just speak to you for the tip. Moreover, at busy times I just haven’t got time to have a chat with you. So don’t demand our attention for too long, you have to understand that you are not the only guest and we have work to do.
  What we say: “What a great story.” “Thank you for the delightful chat.”
• “The customer is always right, no you are wrong.”
  Of course, we do everything that is possible for us to fulfill your wishes but with some choices, we simply can’t agree. The most common thing you are wrong about is if you order a full-bodied, strong, and aged red wine with a light and steamed white fish on spring vegetables. It is clear that this person has no knowledge about food or wine at all.
  What we say: “I wouldn’t recommend that wine with that meal but if that is what you want, I’m happy to fulfill that wish.”
• “Are you blind we are about to close.”
  Nobody looks up the opening hours of a restaurant every time before entering. But if you see an almost or completely empty restaurant with staff cleaning and putting things away, it is very unlikely that you will get anything. Our shift has been way too long to deal with you not understanding why you can’t get a quick small beer.
  What we say: “I’m very sorry but we are about to close but I can check with the manager if there is something I can offer you.”
• “Another Birthday?!?”
  Don’t get me wrong, we are very happy for you and that you have chosen our restaurant to celebrate. But don’t get upset because we don’t sing Happy Birthday or we don’t offer you a free cake or drink. Not every restaurant does these things and the waitress or waiter is the last person to blame.
  What we say: “Happy birthday, I hope everything is to your satisfaction on your special day.”
• “Get the hell out of my way”
  It is part of our job to carry hot and heavy plates and trays under immense time pressure. Though we are happy that you chose to eat with us try not to stand on the aisle and when you are waiting for a table, wait at the entry or the host(ess) counter, someone will inform you when your table is ready.
  What we say: “Excuse me!!!”
• “Why did you put the plates on top of each other you idiot”
  We know you are just trying to help us, but actually, you don’t. Most of the time these plate towers are very unstable, which makes it difficult to carry them. Furthermore, it is hard to pick them up because they are heavy and it is very difficult to carry them in the way we would normally carry that many plates and cutlery. All that leads to us having to go more often and wasting time we barely have.
  What we say: “Was everything alright… Oh, Thank you.”
• “Oh, go home and cry, you big baby.”
  Sometimes it happens that the kitchen or we make mistakes. But we always handle these situations very professionally. All sorts of things can go wrong, that is what makes us human but here is an example that happened to me recently: I have already apologized a few times because she got the wrong dish and she already spoke to the management, but she cancels her order the moment she would have gotten the right dish (3 minutes after we accidentally brought her the wrong one) just because she doesn’t want it anymore. In addition to that overreaction, she acts furious and childish. I don’t want to deal with such toxic behavior.
  What we say: “I’m again terribly sorry about this mistake and I totally understand you, I will send you the manager and she/he will talk to you about this matter.”
• “Now get up I’m about to beat your ass!!!”
  Sometimes on a busy Saturday night there comes a point when we just can’t keep hearing your complaints about nothing or you making inappropriate comments or downgrading and humiliating us “just for fun”. We are human beings with feelings, just treat us like that!
  What we say: “Ha ha ha” “That was a good one.” “I will see what I can do about that.”

Some of those thoughts pop into my head more often than others and some are more annoying than others. But none of those are pleasant experiences in a day of work.
Let me know what you think about those things. If you have worked as a waitress or waiter let me know what you would add to this list, I know there are many more.

But let me say one final thing. Even though guests can be a real pain in the neck sometimes. There are way more nice encounters and conversations we really enjoy than bad ones and we are happy about that.

“ A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.” — Dave Barry