When I decided to be a stay home Mom, even before I got married
“Everyone wants to belong or be a part of something bigger, but it’s important to follow your heart and be true to yourself in the process.”- Emily Giffin.
Let me take you 30 years back, in the era of the 90s, when I was in college. I was a vibrant, chirpy, socializing young lass, thankfully still the same, at least by heart. I was in one of the prestigious colleges of Pune, Fergusson College. You must be wondering, it’s so weird that at a time when one thinks of enjoying carefree life and a career, I was thinking about my future kids. But trust me, it was nothing like that. I was a happy-go-lucky youth full of dreams and aspirations.
Amongst the circle of many friends, I had one very close friend. We hung around often, and she regularly visited my house. Wondering… what was so unusual about it as all friends do the same. Well, the answer is both a yes and a no.
Friends come to your house, but not everyone spends endless hours, at your home, with no desire to return to theirs. Initially, I didn’t feel odd about it, but soon it became annoying. It became her daily routine to hang around at my place, admiring every corner of it and repeatedly telling me how she loved being at my house. I used to waive it off as a compliment, but soon, this got on my nerves when she tried to be over-friendly with my mother and sat with her for hours or helped her with house chores.
Now, my mom is a sweet, homely woman, but a wise one. She returned all my friend’s affection, but, at the same time caution, me that there was something peculiar about my friend. Things started getting more uncomfortable when she started bringing gifts for her and was overly affectionate. I was green with “J” when she began to hug her. Her behavior puzzled and angered me more as she started acting irrationally, interfering with my relationship with my mother.
Finally, the lightning struck when one day, I and mom got into a heated moment… Every daughter has one! However, I got the shock of my life when my friend yelled at me and asked me to stop. She shoved me away and hugged my mother. That was the final nail to my already vexed mind. I asked her to immediately leave as she was no one to tell me how I should be with my mother.
The next day in the college she asked me to come to the canteen. Reluctantly, I did. It was that 10 min conversation with her that, changed the entire course of my future life.
She spoke, Ankur, you know that my parents are working. So, what’s wrong with it? I interrupted. Nothing is wrong. Only that many times, I feel I have parents, but I don’t have parents. She said sadly. What do you mean by this? I asked, perplexed. It means, she said, I have parents who love me, but they have no time for me. I have all comforts, but our house is a materialistic structure, not a Home.
A home like what you’ve Ankur, she said. You have a loving and caring mother who gives you time to talk to you and is always present when you need her. But my mom is always busy with her work or traveling most of the time. The only conversation I remember, since I was six years is -how are your studies going, have you eaten, or do you want something? That’s it. Whenever I try speaking my heart out, the conversation ends in a few minutes, as she is too busy to listen or not at home. So, I started looking out for companionship with strangers. I do silly things to get everyone’s attention. And, whoever gives me affection like your mother, I get too possessive about them.
I was astounded by her sad outburst. The relevance of a parent’s quality time for a child lit up for the first time in my mind, which I took for granted with my parents and did not value it. When I went home that day, the first thing I did was give a teddy hug to my folks for always being with me, especially my mother. From that day onwards, I never feel irritated with my mom’s overly affection and pieces of advice.
After that episode, we continued to be friends and I witnessed my friend suffering in failed relationships and broken friendships as her quest for someone to listen & understand never ended. The scars of a childhood shadowed her entire adulthood.
We remained friends till I finished my M.B.A. Gradually, with time lost connectivity. But those 10 minutes of conversation in the canteen were one of the lit-up moments for me as subconsciously, I had decided that my kids shall never go through such pain, and I will always be with them.
Years later, that thought process resurfaced when I had my firstborn. I was in a dilemma about whether to join back to my work, as that incident at my college started haunting me again.
One such day, I went to my neighborhood creche. It was evening and saw the crying kids all over the floor. My neighbor was sitting coolly, ignoring them. However, precisely half an hour later, she got up and took one of the kids in her lap, washed her face, combed, made her wear clean clothes, and gave a biscuit in her hand. The kid nibbled the biscuit hungrily. The next moment the child’s parents came to pick. My neighbor showered the child with kisses and handed it to her mom. The poor baby clung to her mother tightly.
The Mom was beaming seeing her kid dressed up, happily nibbling the biscuit and clinging to her. I felt like telling her it was not happiness but hunger and fear. But I just stuck to my chair. I went to that creche again many times and witnessed the same scenario. It was in those moments all the shrouded clouds cleared off from my mind, and I decided, 100%, to be a stay home Mom. Sometimes life is about risking everything for a dream no one can see but you. A secure, happy childhood for my child, my heart cried out.
Here I’m not judging and demeaning the efforts of the working parents. I admire a few of my friends who balance work and home beautifully. But when I reinspect myself, realized that I am not that kind of a Multitasker. Sometimes you have to limit yourself to ensure to break the limits on another front. I did the same. I limited that moment to ensure a future for the family, a dream very close to my heart.
Whether I ever repented my decision, exiting from my high-profile job as a trainer. NO. Did I put a limitation on myself? Never.
For me, limitation comes when you stop dreaming. I do not recall a single moment when I did that. Yes, the journey to achieve them kept varying and sometimes got delayed, but there was never a dead-end. Now my kids are out of the nest, I’m all set to start a new phase of my life with a new set of dreams to achieve.
I believe in keeping my ear next to my heart to listen to its first whisper on any matter. These are my source of Lit up moments and Wisdom to keep going in life.
Follow your heart, and be true to yourself in the process.
Do share your lit-up moment that changed the course of your life.
