When Life Becomes a Cyclical Monotony
It becomes a piece of code stuck in an infinite loop
I’m back here, churning out words after 1.5 months of being busy, because writing is the only thing that gives me a rush. I was busy not because I wanted to but because I didn’t have an option. Today I woke up and decided to dedicate today’s Independence Day leave to my boring IT job. Not that I wanted to, but my anxiety about not being a master of any trade impels me to do so. I never wanted to be a master of coding, though. After a month or so, I opened Instagram to spend my precious hours scrolling on it. While scrolling, I came across yet another influencer reel. Not that I’m a big fan of these things, but I sometimes get low on dopamine levels, and these short reels are enough to shoot it up.
I’m starting to realise that my life has become a vicious cycle of monotony. Every day, I eat sleep code and repeat. There are no ups and downs in my life. I don’t want downs, and I can’t get ups. Phew! No love, no surprises, and no change. I don’t know if it’s just me or if most of them out there feel the same. Every new day is an exact replica of yesterday. My life is a never-ending Deja vu of boredom, and boredom kills you mentally.
My life has become more straight than a dead person’s heartbeat. I guess I’m dead inside.
I am devoid of peace and love. I feel empty despite having everything. I’m living in solitary confinement of my own mental shackles. I don’t hang out with friends, get high on alcohol, and dance all night anymore. I don’t meet new people, and explore new places. Something is holding me back. Its anxiety and self-doubt. The more I doubt myself, the more I withdraw into my boring life and become less open to change. And this loop continues.
The only creativity left in me is my writing, which is why I keep coming back to it. As I have mentioned earlier, words give me a rush. They are a dose of dopamine for my anxiety-stricken life. They rejuvenate my withered heart. Medium is the platform that gives voice to my choking life. Here, I can meet storytellers and new friends like Doro Volkova, who influence me to share more without the fear of getting judged. I can relate to them.
I just try to pour my heart out with words, because that’s the only thing that sets me free. I try to colour my black and white life. For now, I am just waiting for a day when I will fly away from this cage of self-doubt.
